Not Good Not Good

I don’t even want to write this.  I’m so hurt and so mad.  When I came in she commented how I didn't have anything with me.  I told her yes - it's freeing.  First I asked her if she’s heard back from insurance about the twice a week.  No.  Then I called my son – no answer.  She asked me what I wanted to do.  I told her I’ll tell her about last night.  It went fine but I need to talk out my thought processes.  When I said how I know she doesn’t like me to compare but I wish I could be like my son’s girlfriend (she didn’t go to the bathroom at all and she drank and I didn’t – I went 3 times) at the game, she said I have my problem and that’s what it is.  I said how I don’t want to think about it or worry how many times I go.  She said I can do that.  How?  Then she told me I don’t really want to.  Yes I do!  That’s when she got into the insurance company asking why I haven’t gone to a doctor.  I have – several times.  So she gave me the name of the doctors her pharmaceutical rep client gave her.    But then it just all got worse.  Like I don’t want to help myself.  I do!  Like I don’t want to go to the doctor.  I have!  She said I can’t complain about this problem anymore and she doesn’t think the exposures are helpful.  I didn’t say but it’s there and it bothers me and I am going to talk about it.  No – maybe not – I’m thinking maybe I shouldn’t talk about it anymore.  Maybe I should just shut up about everything.  And the exposures are very helpful and I don’t even want to go into why.  I’ve said that plenty.    Then I said we should talk about my friend’s letters and continue from last time.  She said they are very disturbing.  She was acting like a three year old and expecting me to not only be her friend but her mother.  I did these things to please her.  And how she did this and so did my Mom did.  And then related it to me.  Like I do this?  In some ways she told me.    Then she talked about boundaries.  We went back to the phone calls long ago.  She said she was dealing with her Dad dying and then her cancer.  I told her how I tried to find out a few times how she felt about them.  She didn’t tell me and I couldn’t tell.  She said I didn’t even ask in the beginning.  I did – I remember!  She said she let it go on too long hoping they’d get better and instead they got worse.  I told her that was because she didn’t tell me not to call.  She said she didn’t want to bring it up because she knew I’d make a big deal about it.    She said about when she did and how I got.  I again told her how you can’t just take that away so suddenly when it was so helpful to me and I had no idea.  Never did she say not to call until that one day.  And that was when she was diagnosed with her cancer and she didn’t even tell me what was going on.  Just that I might not be able to call one day.  She left me in the dark and that wasn’t fair.  She did say she didn’t do that in a good way - apologizing.    I said how now I hardly call.  It’s been a month except for last night.  Can I do that?  Again, she didn’t say no.  What am I supposed to think?  She commented that it’s to an answering machine and not a real person.  I call and that’s why I do because I don’t want to bother her.  I don’t want to bother people.  She said to call a friend.  I said about what I called about last night – I couldn’t.  She agreed.    She wants me to self sooth and I don’t know how.  I didn’t say but she got me into asking for things for myself.  I never did before because I always took care of everyone else.  Now I ask, to take care of myself, and she’s making me feel like I’m crossing over boundaries.  She got me to open up about things and now I feel like I should be keeping everything to myself.  Maybe I’ll explode.  Then she acted like there are other things now about boundaries.  Like what?  The only thing she said was about calling my son it there.  I do so she can help me when I need her to and so she can hear how he is.  It was really bad.  Lots of silences.  I was too mad and upset to talk.  Lots of looking around the room.   Once she related my dream to something – running away from my problem.  But I forgot to what she related it to.  Finally I repeated what I thought she was saying.  My Mom and friend did this to me and now I do it to others including her.  But how?  She really couldn’t answer.  I feel bad for who I am.  For what I do.  I feel like I’m doing everything wrong.  I didn’t get into this but I’m just a friendly person and am interested in others.  I like them to feel comfortable for them to talk to me.  Is that wrong?  I ask questions and focus on them.  Is that wrong?  I listen to them and their problems.  Is that wrong?  I think she thinks all of this is.  I am confused, angry and very hurt.  I told her with my kids I leave them alone.  I don’t bother them but I keep it open if I feel like they need me.  I don’t step over boundaries.  She said about my son that I choose to not say no.  It’s my choice but I don’t have to.  She said like when she had cancer she could have chosen not to do anything, not to do chemotherapy.  Some people choose that.  But she didn’t.    Once she said she cares about me but she has to tell me these things.  I feel like I should never have brought the letters in.  Maybe I shouldn’t share things like this with her anymore.  I thought these (and other things I bring in) are helpful.  I had a feeling she would think that would be me doing those things.  But it’s not.  I don’t do what my friend and my Mom did.  I’m there for other people and they are not for me.  As far as the phone calls went I told her I finally found someone for me.  Someone who would listen to me and now that’s all gone.  My family and friends don’t and I listen to them.   Once she asked me about what gets in the way.  I said obstacles.  She said she heard obstinance.  No – obstacles and she wanted to know what.  We’ve talk about them – a lot, many times.  Why would she ask that?  Then she got into the besides the urinary ones.  But she knows everything.    When I needed to go to the bathroom I just went.  I saw the massage therapist by the water cooler and we said hi.  I came back and just sat.  She asked me if I’m angry at her telling me these things.  Yes.  She wanted to hear my side after I told her there’s always two sides.  I only talked very little.  How can I talk?  I’m not doing anything right.  I’m really upset about this.  Am I not supposed to share anything?  Earlier I said I had more to talk about but how could I?  She doesn’t want me to complain anymore about my problem.  Really about anything.  I’m not complaining – I’m just upset about it and want it to be differently.  I feel like I can’t even tell her things now.  I’m so upset.  I’m so angry.  I’m so hurt and feel misunderstood.  I want to just cry and cry.  Oh, great now she’ll think I’m being like my friend and invading privacy or boundaries like she talks about.  I don’t know how to fix these things.  I want people to care about me like I care about them and I don’t think they do.  Maybe they’re not supposed to.  Maybe I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life feeling all alone.  But others don’t.  They have people for them.  I’m there for them but who’s there for me?  No one.    She said to end when it was time.  We did and neither of us looked at each other or said goodbye or have a nice weekend or anything.  We normally do.  I’m mad.  I’m guessing she’s mad at me.  What did I do?  She’s the one that sprung this on me.  And that’s what she does.  She gives me no indication she’s not liking something, we go along and I think what we are doing is fine, and then she springs these things on me.  No warning and no indication we are not supposed to be doing these things or I’m not supposed to be talking about things.  Everything’s fine and then she drops a bomb shell on me.  Not good.  It makes me not trust her or people in general.  Why should I when I’ll just get hurt anyway?  I went to my massage therapist and I know I was very quiet.  I was about in tears.  In fact I took a kleenex after.  She only commented I could have used more today.  Yeah.  I just wanted to go home and cry.  I am not a good person.  I feel like I do everything wrong.  But I know that’s not true.  She tried to do this in a good way.  But her problem is she lets things go on too long and lets me think everything is Ok.  Then she springs things like this on me that is it not.  That’s not good.  And many of the things she says about me I don’t agree with at all.  Plus my massage therapist said her tummy was upset.  Great – another thing to worry about and not have my therapist to tell.  I hope she isn’t sick and I don’t get anything.  Who can I share things with?  She doesn’t want me to ‘complain’ about anything or talk about anything.    She asked me if I’ll be with people this weekend.  Yes.  But now do I want to?  No.  I want to stay home and feel sorry for myself.  No one cares.  I felt confidence in her that we were doing well together and we were on the right tract.  I thought she likes me.  Who likes me?  No one?  I thought I finally had someone who listened to me, who was there for me, who I felt safe to tell her things, who cared.  Now I don’t think so.  I feel like I can’t talk about anything anymore because it’s either complaining or crossing boundaries.    OK.  I don’t want to write anymore.  I don’t.  Maybe I’m misunderstanding this.  I don’t think so but if I am what a bad person I am for that, too.  I feel so all alone and I feel like I’m loosing what we had, just like I’ve lost so many people in my life.  What we’ve worked so hard to achieve and I thought everything was fine.  No indication that it wasn’t.  Like I said, I finally thought I had someone who listened to me, and she did, and now I don’t feel that anymore.  Not a good feeling at all!  OK … I better shut up because then I’ll be like my friend again and how disturbing she was.  I’m not her!  I just need to keep my mouth shut from now on.