Not Good Not Good

I came in and sat down real fast.  I really needed to go to the bathroom.  We said hi and I told her I wanted to go walking next door but I really need to go to the bathroom so maybe not.  She kept standing and told me no, it’s not a good idea, not if I needed to go really bad.  I told her instead I want to go walking.  Out back?  Yes.  She was still standing and questioned if I have to go too badly to even do that and that I look uncomfortable.  No – I wanted to.  So I stood up.  We were about to leave and she asked me about my clothes.  Yes.  I stood there with my legs crossed while she got them out of the drawer and handed them to me in the bag. 
We left and when we got out in the hallway I started to hand her the bag back, told her to hold it and she said no.  She wanted me to – it would be like real life.  At this point I had to go so badly that I didn’t argue it.  At the back of my mind I thought I just may need it to cover in case I started going.  We walked down the stairs.  We talked about the new Adoption Agency in the building and I told her I heard a baby again.  Could they have babies there?  We both wondered.  But she said maybe they come for a visit. 
Before we got out of the building I started going to the bathroom.  I tried so hard to continue holding it.  A little came out a few times but I didn’t say anything.  I wanted to do this so badly even if it was just one time around.  We got outside and I have no clue what we talked about if anything.  We started to go around the circle and I just couldn’t do it.  She looked at me and asked, “What’s going on?”  I just said, “I can’t do this,” while I was just peeing uncontrollably.  So we turned around and went back, her walking ahead of me like always.  I think it’s a combination of her walking ahead maybe not to look and me lagging behind not wanting her to see anything.  I’m assuming it was the look on my face she caught but she didn’t say.  What that look was I don’t know.  Probably just that I couldn’t do this anymore.  Maybe she just knows it by now because I didn’t say anything.
We walked in and at first she said she’ll wait for me there on the steps while I go to the bathroom downstairs.  I just hesitated and kept that bag in front of me as much as I could.  I don’t think she looked and I’m glad because it wasn’t a pretty sight.  She remembered and went first to look to see if they had their door open.  I peeped from around the corner, still on the steps.  I saw her smile at them, say hi and I looked at her and whispered, nodding my head, “They’re there?”  She nodded back and came back to me.  She told me to just go down there anyway to go to the bathroom.  I nodded no. 
So she went towards the bigger area first – not knowing what to do I’m thinking – and then went down that hallway herself maybe thinking I’d follow.  I heard her talking to a lady in the hallway.  They were very friendly and it sounded like the other lady wanted to chat a minute.  My therapist told her she was just going to use the bathroom there.  I just waited on the steps kind of hiding out of sight.  They got done and the lady came up the stairs – a little started to see me.  We just said hi.  I held my bag in front of me as much as I could but I knew it didn’t cover every thing because my pants were so very wet all the way down one leg and partway down the other.  Then I heard my therapist open the bathroom door and I quickly went down the hall and scooted into the bathroom hoping the girl at the desk wouldn’t notice. 
My therapist was holding the door open for me and I went in, she left and waited for me down the hall near the steps and out of sight.  I changed, came back out, she smiled at me and me at her and we walked back up the stairs.  I told her that it’s getting more and more like real life.  She agreed.  Then again – all the way back upstairs and into her office – silence.  Absolute silence and I hate that!  I came in, sat down with my bag and she sat down, too.  I didn’t say but even my socks were really wet and I had to take them off and go barefoot in my shoes.  I really went a lot. 
I told her I just had to go too badly.  She asked me at what point it was outside that I knew I couldn’t do this anymore.  I told her not outside – inside.  She was surprised.  She told me again how when I came in I looked uncomfortable.  I told her how I wanted to do this so badly.  I know I can and I just wanted to.  I’m not sure the exact words she used but she seemed to be saying that I set myself up for things like this to happen and then it makes me feel badly when I can’t and have an accident.  She made me say that it wasn’t a wise choice to continue on when I needed to go so badly.  She asked me what I could have done instead.  I told her to turn around and come back.  I continued to tell her how I know I can do this and want to be able to do it.  The more I try I’ll get better at it and then be successful.  I’m not sure she agrees but I know what’s better for me than she does. 
I asked her who that lady was and she said the chiropractor down there.  I told her I’m sure she’s wondering what you were doing using the bathroom downstairs when you have one inside her office.  She said probably but then thought that maybe she didn’t know that or maybe she did when she thought again.  I told her how I kind of startled her there but didn’t call attention to anything so then I don’t I feel like any one is going to notice.  It wasn’t a full view anyway.  She nodded.
She said about waiting an hour like the doctor said.  I told her I think I should not do that for a while.  I’ve been doing every 45 minutes.  It’s really nice, especially when I’m not drinking very much, because I don’t have to go or don’t have to go badly.  But I feel like it’s training my body to just do the ‘just in case’ and I’ll have to go at the 45 minutes all the time – especially if I’m going to go out and help my son.  I need to wait longer.  She said about gradually extending out by the week 15 minutes.  Yeah – I guess so.
So we start talking about something else.  I showed her the birthday card my son sent me.  She read it and noticed that inside it said “Mommy” like my daughter sometimes does.  Yes.  He often calls me Mama.  She thought the message thanking me for all I do and ‘love you lots’ was very nice.  I wondered if he was sucking up to me because it was mailed after he talked to me about coming out there.  She thought maybe but it sounded genuine. 
Then I told her about some of my worries.  How he wants to do things that I wouldn’t do.  He may question why he had me come out and help him in a very mean way.  She said he may and I may have to say something mean back.  How he like a house he found at the base of a mountain and he may have to sell his car and get a truck to get up there.  I’ll have a rental car. I may need to park it somewhere below.  She commented, in a not so nice way, about how I worry about everything!  It made me feel really bad because they are genuine concerns and I think she just think I’m just one big worry ball.  I’m not!
I also showed her the print out I had about the one I want to take is one of the World’s Craziest Drives.  She smiled when she read about it being called 122 miles of vertigo.  I asked her if she was ever on it – that part especially.  It had a real high narrow bridge.  She thought she might have been on it partially.  I said I bet she wasn’t alone.  No.  She said I could take the inner route.  Or take it for a while and then cut over.  I nodded.
I told her how one of his dogs has to go to the bathroom more than the other.  But he can drive and drive and just stop for his dogs to go and not him. Like 6-7 hours.  He says he only goes a few times a day.  I can’t be going every 45 minutes.  So we roll played about him wanting me to do things that I don’t want to and she was my son saying some of the things he might be saying and what I could be saying.  It was kind of helpful but still not the real thing and I think she just doesn’t understand.  Once she asked me what I planned to do about something.  I didn’t know.  She asked me if I really didn’t know.  Yes.  She wasn’t very nice about it. 
So we had some silences and looking around the room a lot.  I just felt so badly.  We even talked about me just not going.  Or me just not drinking.  She wasn’t very empathetic and told me those would be my choices.  And I even said about us going back to back weeks and then I won’t get to talk to her at all.  Maybe there will be a week in between.  I asked her if this is the wedding.  No, a graduation.  I commented that we still have the wedding time she’s gone.  Then she told me she’s going on lots of trips.  I said but not a week at a time.  She threw her hands up in the air, said yes and commented that that’s what people do to do live their lives and also said something to the fact that she deserves it.  She just doesn’t understand!  She doesn’t!  I didn’t say but I feel so uncared about and shoved off to the side!  I know she has a life too but I feel like I’m not even being thought about or considered or something.
When things were really uncomfortable with my silences (our silences – it takes two) she asked me what’s going on this week.  I told her about my daughter’s colonoscopy and how she’s like my Mom wanting things.  She asked me if I’m worried.  No – not so much.  We agreed how she needs to loose weight.  I told her about the dangerous procedure she may have to have done.  That wouldn’t be good.
She asked me if I’m going to my class later, or tonight, or if they are done.  I went today and they are on going.  I have a couple on Wednesday.  I called my OB and I have to go Thursday for another ultrasound.  She asked me what I’m going to do about that.  I didn’t know.  I thought.  Maybe go and drink there.  I have to take my grandson to school that morning.  I told her how last time the massage therapist heard the whole thing.  I had to keep it on speaker phone because I didn’t know when he was going to answer.  I wasn’t crazy about her hearing me say I couldn’t do it on a full bladder.  He just said to do my best – both times – last time and this coming time.  She just shrugged like oh well – she heard.  Again – not very nice.  Kind of cold!
More silences and I told her I want to go walking again.  She reminded me I don’t have a change of clothes left – do I still want to go.  I thought a second and told her I did.  We left.  Walking down the stairs I just told her I only want to go once around.  Again – no talking and I hate that!  We got to the main floor and just before going down the stairs that lead outside I told her I didn’t want to do that.  So we turned right around.  I told her I didn’t want to have to go down that hallway again (by those people with the door open).  On the way back upstairs I told her let’s go check and see if we hear babies by the new tenants.  So we walked down the hall – no crying babies and we went back into her office. 
I told her that was good.  We didn’t talk about it but I wanted to do that to make it successful even though I didn’t need to go to the bathroom.  I figured she knew I didn’t because I came in and sat down without going first.  I can’t remember what we talked about but I know at some point we talked more about my bladder training.  She said how I brought in and read about the two different types.  One what the doctor said to do which I’ve been doing and the other with after I have to go waiting for a certain amount of time and then increasing that.  She asked me where I would start.  I didn’t know and asked her.  She said 2 minutes.  I told her I thought 5.  They say to increase it by 5 minutes every week but I didn’t think so.  She said that would be too much for me.  To do it a minute at a time. 
We also talked about if I continue to do what I’m doing now, she said by the time I go I’ll be up to an hour and a half.  I told her how sometimes I couldn’t do the hour.  So we decided I may have to do it slower.  I don’t know.  I feel like I’m spinning on a merry-go-round about this and can’t get off and can’t get to safety.  I think this is where I said about not drinking and she said my choice.  But I do remember her saying to try each week to do this (I think when I need to go) in combination with increasing my drinking.  And in combination together with the other method.  Or maybe that one will make the other better or visa versa.  I don’t know and I’m tired of this.  Too much focus!
I needed to go to the bathroom and told her.  She glanced at the clock.  But I soon told her I wanted to go because I don’t have any more extra clothes here.  She nodded, I went and came back.  Later she did say that today I didn’t want to wait as long as I could (or that timed amount) but other times to.  Right. 
So when I came back I told her I’m feeling badly about myself.  Inadequate.  I can problem solve for other people just fine but not myself.  It makes me feel bad and makes me feel dependant and lonely.  I’ve never felt this before.  I don’t like it.  She went into talking about my kids and how they treat me.  I told her I don’t show any of this to them.  They don’t see my insecurities – only she does in here.  I’m so different with them.  I fight back, act like it doesn’t hurt but it does.  She said there’s something not right.  She never says and I don’t like that.  She said to watch how others do it.  I didn’t know anyone so she told me to watch TV and movies to see.  I told her they take me for granted and since I don’t act like anything they still do it. 
She talks about me doing this within.  I know that!  I just can’t seem to be able to do it.  She said about going back to when I was a child and what happened.  Yes, but now I’m adult.  But she said it’s the same feelings.  I guess.  I told her how I do it for others and they don’t do it for me.  It’s very lonely.  What I didn’t say is about her.  I feel very dependant on her.  Dependant on coming there, talking to her, feel so abandoned when she leaves, don’t want to call and leave messages but sometimes I feel that’s all I can do.  Then I feel badly about it but I feel better getting things out of my mind, my body.  Once I said about not wanting to cry when I felt like talking was hard.  I didn’t. 
And the worse part is she’s acting so strange lately.  So distant and making me feel like she doesn’t like me anymore.  Like I’m a pain.  Like whatever I try to do it’s not working and that maybe even I’m not making any headway.  Sometimes I feel like I do and sometimes not.  But it’s her distance from me like she’s not saying something.  Maybe even hiding what she’s feeling and not telling me.  I’m afraid she’s going to spring something bad on me and then I’ll really feel left all lonely hurt and all sorts of things!
So finally she said, “Well, I gotta go,” and then she commented about the massage therapist.  Yes, I had her next.  I left and she didn’t even say bye again.  She just looked down.  Something’s going on – I know it, I feel it and I sure don’t like it.  Being in the dark is really bad.  Having someone act like that is really bad, too.
I went into the massage therapist and she worked with me about feeling really tense especially in my neck.  It’s like a white tight rope.  She went through this visualization with me to help me visualize the rope letting loose and not so tight anymore.  It’s not the intensity of the massage – it’s the letting loose to relax those muscles.  Too much stress and tension to help alleviate that some. 
I was still feeling badly and later this afternoon I called my therapist and left her a voicemail.  I told her I didn’t even know what to say but I feel bad – one minute I want to cry and the next I’m so angry at myself.  Whatever I do, whatever I say I’m not doing it right.  Maybe she doesn’t understand.  I’m not just a worry ball.  I don’t just worry all the time and a lot are legitimate concerns.  The trip thing – I do want to go.  I do have a lot of issues about it.  I feel badly about myself about everything and it’s not the accident I had today – that’s OK.  I can do that.  I can go outside and walk around, I can go next door.  I want to keep doing that because I can.  When I have an accident – OK – but I didn’t know what I was saying.  Something’s going on.  I feel something with her & I and I’m real good about that.  I doesn’t feel right – there’s just something.  I don’t know what’s going on if she’s not telling me something or some new method.  I feel badly.  The ultrasound – again!  I hope the cyst is gone.  I said I was rambling, I shouldn’t be calling but I don’t know what else to do.  I hate this, I hate feeling like this and yes this is my life, too.  OK.  I want to cry, scream.  I hate myself.  Then I said bye.
I pressed to send it and it didn’t say ‘message sent’.  I got her voice mail again and hung up just after the beep so I don’t know if she got 1 message, 2 or none.  So about ½ hour later I called back and told her I called – which I probably shouldn’t have called and I’m feeling really guilty about it and I don’t know if she got it or not.  I asked her to call my cell and I won’t answer it just to tell me if she got it or not.  I again said that I felt guilty about leaving it but I was really upset.  I left my cell phone number. 
She called back just after her last client.  She said she got the message, she hopes I’m doing better, good luck with the Ultrasound on Thursday and she’ll see me after that, take care.  I’m so glad she called me back so didn’t have to worry if she got it or not.  I almost didn’t want her to get it because of what I said.  But it’s all what I was feeling and it’s better to say it than keep it all in because then it would really, really bother me.  I just worry about the content but I feel the way I feel and it’s better to be honest about things.