not getting any better

so today was a pretty bad day for me. it started off with something small.. being pissed at my hair.. then it resulted from a rumor that im a dirty kinky little whore and everyone at school is talking about shit and of course its turning into something it wasnt. but to top it the fuck off... my probation officer came in today and i felt my heart beat so fast i could feel it in my throat. she called me in asked if i was doing ok and then shes like "well we are doing a drug screening on you today" and i stopped breathing and tried to keep my cool but all the blood in my body flushed right out of my head. and i felt all hot and sweaty (no pun intended). and i had to pee till she told me that and i was so nervous i couldnt pee. she sat there and told me she wasnt leaving till i peed and she made me drink water like crazy. so i said fuck it i have to do this no matter how long i wait im still going to fail this. and i did... she was pissed.. and now i have to be to go to court and crap.
its killing me because we have no money. so im gonna look for a job. i told my mom that i had something to tell her that was probably going to disappoint her and that i would do anything she asks of me and that im trustworthy and crap. it is just fucking crazy... everything that could happen bad has been happening to me.
i mean i go to church, i do things with myself that are productive, sure i smoke cigs, i drink, i smoke weed but i dont make it my lifestyle, and i have good friends people that will have my back no matter what, im a kindhearted person and i care about other people other than myself. i know right now i seem selfish but it could be worse.
but ive been really thinking about this and i think i want to kill myself.. its not that i cant get out of this.. i know i could im just fed up with it.. im seriously tired of putting my heart and soul into life and trying to be strong and a good person and get kicked and pissed on.. its just too much for me mentally to handle. im not as strong as i use to be..