Not Enough
I want to die. I miss the person I used to be. Fun. Happy. Not a care in the world. But, hey, that was 6 years ago. Where did I mess up? Was it with my stepfather, when he sexually abused me? Or was it with my step-grandfather, when he sexually abused me? Or was it with school, where I failed my first class ever? Or was it with God, when I rejected Him and His ways? Maybe it was all of these things. In any way that I failed, it's all my fault. I'm the one that messed up. I the one that screwed up my life. I'm the one still screwing up my life. I'll never be good enough.
When will my life end? Hopefully today. If not today, then tomorrow. If not tomorrow, then the next day, and so on. I want to be gone from this world, from this existence. How am I supposed to do that when You keep me here, huh?! Why are You keeping me here?!
I hate You! I hate that You force me to exist in this . . . place! I hate Satan, for he won't end me because my pain amuses him! I hate myself for not having the guys to kill myself! I hate this world, for it is so overtaken by sin.
I hate myself for a lot of reasons. I hate myself because I'm not smart enough or pretty enough or strong enough or reliable enough or . . . or . . . enough! I'm not enough. This . . . who I am . . . isn't enough. It just isn't. I fail at everything that matters.
Replies
*I'm (not I)
*guts (not guys)
Hi Trebled, I am so sorry that your family members did that to you. That was not your fault, it will always be their fault. Do you still have contact with them? When I was a child, my uncles brother molested me and then tried to drown me. I hate being in the same room as him but I only see him when it is absolutely necessary. It's also ok the fail at things, no one is perfect. When you are feeling down or in a bad situation you do question God. You did nothing wrong. Their are people in this world that do terrible thing they are the evil ones. We are the victims and recovering from what they have done can be a daily struggle. Stay Strong.