Not doing well

I don't know what's going on but I don't feel right,  It seemed like I was doing better for the past couple of weeks but now I don't know,  I feel disturbed.  And of course I alwasy worry about Josh when this happens.  He's never seen me well in his 20 years of life.  Not for one  day.  And I keep thinking about things I did in the past that I cant' forgive myself for.  These things hit me hard out of nowhere.  I relive them over and over.  How many times do I have to apologize for things that I didn't even mean to have happen?  And some of these things that torment me were small things that weren't even my fault.  But the day my brain perceives these things is otherwise.  I pray a lot.  What else can I do?  Did I say praying? .....  More like begging and pleading.