not doing well
I feel like my entire personality has changed since I lost my brother. People seem to view my depression and resulting complaining/venting/calls for help as "throwing a pity party for myself." One friend has told me that unless I change this, she is done with me. I guess she is done then because I have not heard from her.
My husband finally admitted in therapy that the reason he moved out of our bedroom and into the guest room 4 years ago, the reason he never wanted children with me, and the reason he does not want to be close to me physically is because I am "always" depressed. I admit that I have been extremely depressed since Bob passed on 6/18/11. But saying "always" is WRONG. People that do not know I carry a diagnosis of depression would not know this unless I told them. Up until Bob died I was silly and fun-loving. I really do not know what to do with this info. I cried it out, knowing I will never be a mom is killing me.
I am currently on 2 meds for depression. That is totally ok, I feel more in control of my emotions with them than without them. I see a psychiatrist, mostly because she is the one who controls the meds. But our sessions are pretty much worthless otherwise. I did find another therapist who I consider quite wonderful, regardless of the fact that she seems to favor my husband's point of view a little too much. But that hour goes so fast and there is so much I want to talk about and come to terms with that I feel like I am going nowhere fast.
Last week I got a message from SS, an individual I became friends with while trying to help Bob with his alcohol addiction. SS went through some horrific stuff himself. He now pays it forward by doing some amazing work in the field of addiction and other areas. He is currently training to be a life coach. He has offered to work with me at no cost because I "always seem so sad". When he told me he feels he can give me hope, I realized that hope is something that is surely missing in my life. I am looking forward to this. SS seems to really have his head on straight and I have often though to myself that I could really use some of that. Can I tell you how much more I appreciate this kind of friend than the one who hollars "pity party" and walks away?
In the meantime, I will just keep acting like everything is ok while in public; and crying when I am alone.
My husband finally admitted in therapy that the reason he moved out of our bedroom and into the guest room 4 years ago, the reason he never wanted children with me, and the reason he does not want to be close to me physically is because I am "always" depressed. I admit that I have been extremely depressed since Bob passed on 6/18/11. But saying "always" is WRONG. People that do not know I carry a diagnosis of depression would not know this unless I told them. Up until Bob died I was silly and fun-loving. I really do not know what to do with this info. I cried it out, knowing I will never be a mom is killing me.
I am currently on 2 meds for depression. That is totally ok, I feel more in control of my emotions with them than without them. I see a psychiatrist, mostly because she is the one who controls the meds. But our sessions are pretty much worthless otherwise. I did find another therapist who I consider quite wonderful, regardless of the fact that she seems to favor my husband's point of view a little too much. But that hour goes so fast and there is so much I want to talk about and come to terms with that I feel like I am going nowhere fast.
Last week I got a message from SS, an individual I became friends with while trying to help Bob with his alcohol addiction. SS went through some horrific stuff himself. He now pays it forward by doing some amazing work in the field of addiction and other areas. He is currently training to be a life coach. He has offered to work with me at no cost because I "always seem so sad". When he told me he feels he can give me hope, I realized that hope is something that is surely missing in my life. I am looking forward to this. SS seems to really have his head on straight and I have often though to myself that I could really use some of that. Can I tell you how much more I appreciate this kind of friend than the one who hollars "pity party" and walks away?
In the meantime, I will just keep acting like everything is ok while in public; and crying when I am alone.
Replies
I'm so sorry to hear this. Fuxk anyone who says and treats us like that. We don't need em. We need support not people like that. I agree completely with a lot of what you said here and your feelings are completely justified. Sorry for your loss. Hugs.