Not doing Good
2011 was a bad year for me all around. Nothing about it was good and I was so glad that when 2012 hit that I even did something I thought I would never do I prayed please don’t let 2012 be like 2011 was.. Little into my year of 2011.
In February I found out the guy I was with had been cheating on me for the last past 5 months it hurt but, the girl that he was sleeping with told me that I should go get tested cause she had slept with him then came back positive for HIV. I won’t lie I said to myself over and over again oh I won’t have it something like that couldn’t possible happen to me. But it did I went to the doctors and took one of them fast test that look like a pregnancy test lol said I was positive I didn’t freak out or nothing I just said okay and doctor told me well they can sometimes be wrong a false positive I was like okay they ran blood work and I went in 3 weeks later and she said it was right that I had HIV she said not to worry it wasn’t a death sentence or anything I wasn’t worried about the dying part of it I was more worried about the thing of who the hell is going to want me know? Am I not ever going to be a mom now cause of this? I mean dying was the last thing in my head just everything else popped into it…
Things seem to go back to normal and I was doing alright their April, May, and June.. Then July came and I would be turning 24 on the 17th. And I had the worst birthday I have ever had in my whole life. My Uncle whom was my best friend and he meant the world to me died On my birthday of all days which I’m not looking forward to my 25th birthday at all I think I’m just going to sleep all the way threw it to be honest. But then that passed turned into august and my grandmother went into the hospital and had to have a feeding tube put in because she wasn’t gaining any weight she was just losing it a fast so we thought we were going to lose her to THANK GOD WE DIDN’T!!! We had a nice thanksgiving after she came home from the hospital with family and some friends and then before I knew it Christmas was here. And we have our Christmas on Christmas eve not day and it was fun good day friends family were all over hanging out opening presents but I knew something bad was coming. Cause my dog that was and still is my baby. Was acting weird that day I went did my paper route and I got dropped off by my dad because he helps me with my route every night …. And I walked in the house and my baby was barely moving having problems breathing. I laid on the floor with him for 15 20 mins and could tell It was just a matter of time before he was going to go so I called my dad and he came back down to my grandparents house which is where I live. And he stayed with him till he went because I couldn’t bear to do it I said my goodbyes and I love you to him but it still killed me
Feels like every single person on this earth that cares about me and loves me and I love back is disappearing from me and I don’t know what I’m going to do once their all gone ill have no one. I have somewhat of something now keeping me trying to stay alive but still I am lonely my dad has his girlfriend my grandparents have each other and I have no one the two things I put my trust and secrets my worries and fears who I talked to all the time about everything are gone. Now I feel like I have no one.
I put on this front to everyone like I’m okay the HIV thing doesn’t bother me it isn’t worrying me that I’m fine with the fact I have it or me losing my uncle and dog in the same year everything I been threw in my life I say I am okay that I’m over it that it isn’t a big deal that I am fine BUT I AM NOT!!!!
In February I found out the guy I was with had been cheating on me for the last past 5 months it hurt but, the girl that he was sleeping with told me that I should go get tested cause she had slept with him then came back positive for HIV. I won’t lie I said to myself over and over again oh I won’t have it something like that couldn’t possible happen to me. But it did I went to the doctors and took one of them fast test that look like a pregnancy test lol said I was positive I didn’t freak out or nothing I just said okay and doctor told me well they can sometimes be wrong a false positive I was like okay they ran blood work and I went in 3 weeks later and she said it was right that I had HIV she said not to worry it wasn’t a death sentence or anything I wasn’t worried about the dying part of it I was more worried about the thing of who the hell is going to want me know? Am I not ever going to be a mom now cause of this? I mean dying was the last thing in my head just everything else popped into it…
Things seem to go back to normal and I was doing alright their April, May, and June.. Then July came and I would be turning 24 on the 17th. And I had the worst birthday I have ever had in my whole life. My Uncle whom was my best friend and he meant the world to me died On my birthday of all days which I’m not looking forward to my 25th birthday at all I think I’m just going to sleep all the way threw it to be honest. But then that passed turned into august and my grandmother went into the hospital and had to have a feeding tube put in because she wasn’t gaining any weight she was just losing it a fast so we thought we were going to lose her to THANK GOD WE DIDN’T!!! We had a nice thanksgiving after she came home from the hospital with family and some friends and then before I knew it Christmas was here. And we have our Christmas on Christmas eve not day and it was fun good day friends family were all over hanging out opening presents but I knew something bad was coming. Cause my dog that was and still is my baby. Was acting weird that day I went did my paper route and I got dropped off by my dad because he helps me with my route every night …. And I walked in the house and my baby was barely moving having problems breathing. I laid on the floor with him for 15 20 mins and could tell It was just a matter of time before he was going to go so I called my dad and he came back down to my grandparents house which is where I live. And he stayed with him till he went because I couldn’t bear to do it I said my goodbyes and I love you to him but it still killed me
Feels like every single person on this earth that cares about me and loves me and I love back is disappearing from me and I don’t know what I’m going to do once their all gone ill have no one. I have somewhat of something now keeping me trying to stay alive but still I am lonely my dad has his girlfriend my grandparents have each other and I have no one the two things I put my trust and secrets my worries and fears who I talked to all the time about everything are gone. Now I feel like I have no one.
I put on this front to everyone like I’m okay the HIV thing doesn’t bother me it isn’t worrying me that I’m fine with the fact I have it or me losing my uncle and dog in the same year everything I been threw in my life I say I am okay that I’m over it that it isn’t a big deal that I am fine BUT I AM NOT!!!!
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