Not changing

I'm starting to think that maybe there's nothing wrong with me but everything wrong with everyone else. Or maybe it's the so call doctors that I see aren't good enough because I feel like I speak and they don't listen. I mean, they don't know how to feel out a simple short term disability papers, even when they charge an additional $100 on top of your insurance. I'm starting to thin that it's just my personality. The personality of just making sure everything is perfect. I know I have ever been the smartest kid in class but I was wanted the approval of everyone, liked by everyone and it killed me when I knew I disappoined someone. It destroyed me inside. 


I already knew that I would never gain the approval of my mother. She was only 14 when she had me. By the age of 22 I had 3 youner brother all by different fathers. You know what's crazy that which you might think it's naive but I thought because we all came from the same mother we were more blood related sibling then if by fathers but just recently at the age of 45, we are still considered step brother or sister. So the two brother that came after me are full blown brother I am just a step sister to all of them and then my father had an additional 5 children with his wife so all of them of full blown sibling and they are all my step brothers/sister. I am on only child. Isn't that the most silliest thing you've heard. How stupid am I not to know that. 


That seems to happen a lot to me though, I'll be having comversation with people and they will mention a phrase, or some type of drug, or catch phrase, or even a drink and the look on my face is so dumbfounded. Sometimes I hear the person I'm with whih would be a date or a close friend "Oh, that's so cute but you'll see another person look at me like if I was acting the innocent child just to look cute but in reality I had no idea. 45 years old with no clue. 


I ended up doing a lot of stupid things between the 2008 to 2011. That's when my depression first hit. I was married at the age of 19 back in 1991 and got divorced in 2007 (separated in 2005), after 2 kids, bought our house and he decided he wanted someone younger and play the part better as he climb the corporate ladder and I didn't fit the part. Left me in Florida with the girls, telling me that he was going to sell the house and then come back and we would begin a start. (we were having problems with him excusing me of cheating for almost 2 years and shoot I didn't know the first thing of cheating, he was the first man I had slept thing, thought I almost did with the boyfriend that I had before him but I kept changing my mind..come to think about who knows maybe my bipoloar started back then, I was get so into it and right dead ready, I would push get dress and run. Then I did the break up and make up for no reason. I loved him and then I didn't, I cried and begged him back but then felt he didn't fight for me. Now the guy I married I had dated him before I dated that guy for two years but we only dated for three months because he scared me, I thought it would be abusived ...


Ok, I need to stop there, I just got off topic...I'm going backward. So is that what you call ADHD??