Not as healed as much as I thought
I have been helping my ex with her job applications because I have a little better way with wording her attributes and experience. We've been getting along ok which I'm not so sure is a good thing. I texted her last night about something I needed to talk to her about and got ignored. I tried to call her and same thing. I was infuriated. This am i couldn't sleep for shit and felt so down in the dumps I couldn't function. I told my daughter I was so angry because I spent hours with her helping her when she needed it but then she pulls this after she got what she needed. My daughter told my ex and she said she did reply?? Now I'm pissed cause she's lying...turns out I forgot I had blocked her and forgot about it. So all of a sudden I feel better....UGH. This is bullshit. I shouldn't have cared. I know when I learn she is seeing someone eventually I'm gonna be destroyed unless I'm further along and that could be never. It was foolish to spend so much time helping her last week. This helped her but NOT ME. I have to follow no contact and move on or the future holds nothing but pain for me. Thanks for listening.
Replies
Ahhh, welcome to my mistakes my friends. I can relate so well to this. It is passive-aggressive behaviour and sucks you right in. You play the white knight, she then ignores you. It is petty, rude and plain mean. I had a similar experience where I loaned out my car for my ex only to get it back damaged. Pull the plug on her completely. Communicate by text only of you have to. Do not feel any feelings thatbyou have done something wrong because you haven\'t. Don\'t beat yourself up here for being human and decent, just learn from it and don\'t repeat:)
I know ...I have all the tools I know I need to heal but fail to follow them. I\'m a fool in the long run. 24 years together and just thrown away is so hard for me to wrap my head around. We were kids when we got together now I\'m almost 50. The thought of starting over again is frightening. I was younger than our son then. I could kick myself for all the mistakes I made.
Putting your needs first doesn\'t make you a bad guy. It\'s nice that you wanted to help her but it\'s not worth it if it sets you back emotionally. You have to be strong for yourself and so that you can be the best possible parent to your daughter. Going back to no contact sounds like the right decision.
Thanks missy I agree. I\'m just fooling myself and not healing by helping her. She also scheduled our daughters hair appointment today because graduation pics are coming up, but then emails me to say she can\'t pay and if I could cover it, which I did because It is my daughter, but she can\'t pay because she left me and now sinks 1000 a month into a 2 bedroom apt my daughter refuses to go to. This whole situation is just sad and stupid and heartbreaking and everything else. I\'m just curious what she\'s gonna do when her job is toast in September? Never let someone be a priority when you are only an option to them...I know!! Just hard to let go after 24 years.
And ur right I was snapping at my daughter this morning because of this whole scenario and that is NOT fair to her at all. She was left too, and she reminded me of that. She was dead right. I apologized to her immediately. Helping my ex just f*cks me up bad and she is oblivious because she has healed already. What a crappy situation.
Sorry Coop, I can\'t imagine having to deal with my stbx as often as you have to because of your daughter. I\'m glad you recognized and apologized to your daughter, that is the difference between a good parent and a lousy parent. hang in there, you\'re doing great!!!
Thanks yougospam appreciate it and everyone\'s comments. Weekends basically suck now for me and when this stuff happens they are that much worse. Just want to heal so bad. Just don\'t want her affecting me anymore. Last night and this morning was so bad, I was distraught, and over what exactly? Someone who left me. I can see why someone on the outside looking in would think I lost my mind.
There have been so many times I\'ve wished I never had to talk to my ex husband ever again..but we share children. We share human beings. Wow. That just hit me. So...we will always have to connect at least a little here and there. Can\'t beat yourself up on the mistakes, Coop..you wouldn\'t be living and breathing if you didn\'t make \'em. You are being a kind person..this is the mother of your children, she didn\'t ignore you..you blocked her. However..it\'s you who has to heal now..because you are suffering. The contact is setting you back. So setting boundaries until.you feel better is probably best. It\'s good to know there are men who feel as deeply as you do. Focus on what the relationship taught you..it happened for a reason
Thanks panther u are so right. I think boundaries is the right step. This contact is doing nothing but hurting me every time. And i know she doesn\'t mean to hurt me she is generally a good person, if she wasn\'t I wouldn\'t have been with her for 24 years. I have got to focus on this damn healing though or I\'m in deep shit. Thanks for your kind words they mean a lot to me :)
It sounds to me like it is totally one sided. Why do you feel the need to help her with her job applications? Just wondering. Why can\'t she figure it out herself? Personally I would not help the person that did not want to be married to me anymore. That has to be earned and if she did not want you in her life anymore as a partner and a Husband then why do you feel that she deserves you taking all this time to help her? Sounds like she is using you and a person can only get used it you allow it. I would focus on you and just not be available or tell her you are not able to help her anymore. You don\'t have to give a reason. No is reason enough. It might sound harsh but sometimes we have to give some tough love even when we still care about someone. Otherwise you are setting yourself up to be hurt over and over again. You have to protect yourself emotionally. Let me know if any of this is helpful to you. I don\'t think that a person can heal when they keep this connected with the person that hurt them. Just my opinion. I know you both have a Daughter together. I would keep all things about your Daughter and nothing else. It will be too painful otherwise as it is hurting you already. I hope this makes sense.
Yup daisy girl yup yup you are right!!! I KNOW this! I\'m setting myself up for pain by hanging out with her. After this weekends turn of events, meaning coming to terms with my reaction to being ignored even though I was mistaken, has made me realize I need a new direction or I\'m in serious trouble in the future when she hooks up with someone. I\'m taking everyone\'s advice and you are not harsh u are spot on.