Not a great day
I am SO sad by the passing of Joe Paterno. I cried all morning. (I went to Penn State 82-86. Was in the marching band 84, 85, 86.) Went to 2 bowl games. Met him once. He really was a hero in my book and the media and the board of trustees at Penn State have treated him so horribly. For me, he died of a broken heart today.
David got caught smoking day before yesterday. Lord knows, he most likely has been smoking off and on. I am SO pissed! Joe Paterno passed from lung cancer! David's foster father died of cancer! I want to smack the crap out of him. he kept running away yesterday. This past week he ran away once. I am again at my wit's end with this kid. Yesterday he lied (again) and said he did not have any more cigarettes. Paul went in David's room to get the dirty jeans up off the floor and found a whole pack in his pocket. After he got "caught", he ran away again. I ended up going to my nephew's birthday party without Paul and David. David hid the f*&King cigarettes, and got caught smoking again today! His excuse: I am taking Remmy for a walk. He goes to the park and smokes! Duh! I smell it on him when he comes back. Then, he lies again and says he smashed all of the cigarettes and soaked them in water and put them in the garbage. He is in the bathroom tonight and I walk down the hall and smell smoke. He is smoking in MY bathroom in MY house! he smashed his headphones yesterday and also dented the door in on the shed out of anger. I love him. But I REALLY want this kid in residential treatment for 3 months or more! He is failing school (still), so it won't matter if he is pulled out for a while. He is lazy and refuses to clean anything.
I killed myself last week with tracking calories, drinking water, exercising. I lost a whopping 1/2 lb. Today i most likely gained that and more back! I am wallowing in food today!
I am tired of David's lying. I am tired of Paul's yelling. I am tired of David's destruction. I am tired of Paul's depression. I am tired of the cold, dreary Winter. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of feeling fat. I am tired of Paul yelling at me for his own issues. (being unemployed, being a hoarder, etc.) Paul blames me that his side of the room is a mess! IT'S HIS SHIT!!! The only ones I am NOT tired of taking care of: Remmy and Kona. At least they appreciate it!
David got caught smoking day before yesterday. Lord knows, he most likely has been smoking off and on. I am SO pissed! Joe Paterno passed from lung cancer! David's foster father died of cancer! I want to smack the crap out of him. he kept running away yesterday. This past week he ran away once. I am again at my wit's end with this kid. Yesterday he lied (again) and said he did not have any more cigarettes. Paul went in David's room to get the dirty jeans up off the floor and found a whole pack in his pocket. After he got "caught", he ran away again. I ended up going to my nephew's birthday party without Paul and David. David hid the f*&King cigarettes, and got caught smoking again today! His excuse: I am taking Remmy for a walk. He goes to the park and smokes! Duh! I smell it on him when he comes back. Then, he lies again and says he smashed all of the cigarettes and soaked them in water and put them in the garbage. He is in the bathroom tonight and I walk down the hall and smell smoke. He is smoking in MY bathroom in MY house! he smashed his headphones yesterday and also dented the door in on the shed out of anger. I love him. But I REALLY want this kid in residential treatment for 3 months or more! He is failing school (still), so it won't matter if he is pulled out for a while. He is lazy and refuses to clean anything.
I killed myself last week with tracking calories, drinking water, exercising. I lost a whopping 1/2 lb. Today i most likely gained that and more back! I am wallowing in food today!
I am tired of David's lying. I am tired of Paul's yelling. I am tired of David's destruction. I am tired of Paul's depression. I am tired of the cold, dreary Winter. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of feeling fat. I am tired of Paul yelling at me for his own issues. (being unemployed, being a hoarder, etc.) Paul blames me that his side of the room is a mess! IT'S HIS SHIT!!! The only ones I am NOT tired of taking care of: Remmy and Kona. At least they appreciate it!
Replies
It is so sad regarding Joe Paterno and my prayers are out there for his family. I am sure they have a ton of bitterness. I know I would.
Reading your journal regarding Paul and David brought back a memory of one day I was driving to work and when I came to my exit I thought - \"What if I don\'t not get off here and just kept on going and NEVER came back?\" I was sorely tempted but of course I hung in there and things did get better. Not always good but better. Sending hugs and know our friends here are here for you! HUGS!
You are in a state of overwhelmed exhaustion and need \'balance\'. Yes, have David placed in residential treatment. That will also eliminate any need for Paul to yell and he also can get some needed rest.
If we behave in ways that harm there have to be consequences that force us to give up those destructive behaviors. I think David sees most of this as a \'game\' where he wins and you are stuck. It is time to get yourself UNSTUCK and time for David to OWN his behavior and the CONSEQUENCES of his behavior. As long as he acts and you SUFFER there is no reason for him to alter his behavior. Strip him down to the bare essentials of life and have him build back up to where he WANTS to be. Make everything really simple for him. Food, sleep, school, chores with points to earn which he can then spend on privileges such as watching TV or computer time or going someplace special or favorite video game. For those behaviors you want him to not engage in he can earn points for NOT doing those behaviors where points are deducted when he \'forgets\' and does these harmful behaviors.
There is sanity in all of this you just have to create it yourself.
Take very good care and share, vent, heal and keep holding on to sanity.
Gentle ((hugs))
:-) Patricia
You exhibit an amazing strength at your core, as you are seemingly surrounded by so much chaos so often the time, but you find ways to do what you need to do and ways to focus on you & your pups. Hoping that more peace begins to expand in your life. Wondering if there is something you can do about Paul and his messiness? That would drive me nuts to share space with someone who keeps a mess on his side of the room!
As for JoePa, I have to say I had a similar thought, first thing, when I heard he had passed - broken heart, how could he go on?
At least you have your sweet dogs with their unconditional loving that keep you going on days like this. I know it\'s continual days like this that wear you down to the bone sweetie. My ears are open if you want to chat. I miss you. Love you tons.
You need to take care of you right now, my Friend. I am hurting along with you for God\'s sake. Take some time today to just celebrate you! Please promise youself you won\'t lose sight of you?!
Take care of yourself, my Friend, please,please. You\'re in more dire need of a break than any one person on this planet right now! Geesh! Do it!
Peace&Love, Franciann