Not a Good Week and I need to vent

I am going to start with somewhat of a positive note even though I've had a really bad couple of weeks.  I've trying so hard to be positive it's frightening, but every once in awhile, I have some bad days.  I generally write my bad days in here, ignoring to write good days, but I use this as my "venting" tool.  Anyway, I am 12 DPO with AF due tomorrow or the next day.  My chart seems to be looking almost identical to the chart when I got pregnant but I'm not holding by breath.  I've been trying so hard not to test so I'm impatiently waiting.  Tomorrow morning, if my temp falls way low, I will be getting AF.  I just had a "dip" this morning so if it goes up tomorrow morning, that's great news and I will probably test.  I am keeping my fingers crossed, especially since my due date is coming up this Sunday.  If God forbid I was pregnant finally, what a dream come true that would be.  Right before my due date and right before my birthday which is Tuesday and right at Thanksgiving.  It all makes sense, it should just happen now.  If not, I'm going to really have a bad week but right now, I'm trying to stay positive.  I am sad, however, thinking about the what ifs and how different my life would have been.  It's hard when that date is coming up.  I'm pretty sure I'm not preggers because I've had serious "period" symptoms for a week straight but we'll see.  I feel like a broken record every month now, seriously. I also feel like I have 2 personalities.  One part of me is like "oh it will be fine, everything happens for a reason and when the time is right, it'll happen".  Almost like I give myself pep talks.  Then the other part of me is like "what did I do to deserve this pain? Why can't it just happen? And why now that my due date is coming up does the anticipation of AF coming happen as well?"  Too much for right now.  It's overwhelming.   Now the bad stuff.  The girl I work with is pregnant, again.  She just had a baby 6 months ago.  I really am happy for her and her husband I am but I'm so angry on the inside wishing it were me.  She did come to me so graciously when she told me.  She was shaking and upset because she knows what I've been through and she felt so horrible that when she finally tells the office that everyone will be gloating and talking about it and she knew how hard that would be for me.  It was really nice, it was and part of me, because of how she approached it was like "ya know, this won't be so bad, I have to be happy for her."  But now a couple days have passed and she did tell everyone and I'm just really hurting inside.  She does deserve this she does, but I do too and I'm mad at someone I just don't know who.    So in a few days I will either post something very happy or very sad.  I'm trying to tell myself Sunday won't be that bad but who am I kidding?  It's already upsetting me.  If I get a BFN, it's going to suck more!   I know I have so much to be thankful for but part of me wants to be reallly thankful for one thing only and if that doesn't happen, I will be very disappointed and very very sad.   Whoever is reading this, sorry for the long post.  I just needed to vent.   Thanks for reading.