Not A Good Day I Feel Really Sad

I came in today and she asked me how my leg was.  I told her it still hurts.  But I went on to other subjects.  I didn’t need her, “Well take care of it!” again.  I told her how my middle son just called and his girlfriend wants to go to the holiday parties – both ours and my cousins.  I already drew names so I’ll just have to get her something.  And I guess I’ll get her the same amount of gift card (that’s what my kids want even though I thought I’d do presents – a little less money) like the others.  It wouldn’t be right to give her less.  Plus my youngest son’s car.  It’s not the alternator, they checked it.  I already paid 124.00 for the diagnostics and he needs a fuel pump which is another 3-4 hundred dollars.  She said I seem overwhelmed with the money parts of this and the holiday.  Yes.    She seems quiet at first.  That ‘I don’t know what’s going on with her’ again.  First I thought maybe because of her surgery tomorrow.  Then I thought something’s going on and she’s not telling me.  Then I thought she’s reacting to my quietness.  She just hasn’t seen as nice and friendly as she usually is – I’d say the last 4 times.  Makes me feel like something I’m doing or something’s wrong with me.  Maybe she’s tired of me and my problems.  You know what, if she is or isn’t – I sure am!   I told her I wanted to go next door.  She saw my purse and commented that that’s why I brought it (she knows I use that one for my extra clothes).  She asked me how I wanted to do this.  I told her I didn’t want to have an accident.  Do I want to go to the bathroom downstairs or back up there.  I’d like to come back upstairs if I can but if not downstairs is OK.  She told me to watch when it’s getting too hard and let her know so we can come back.  I nodded I would.  So we went right over.  I was very calm when I told her I wanted to go and didn’t act like I really needed to go badly like I have in the past when I just come in.  In fact, we talked a little first.  There was a lady still out in the waiting room and we just pasted right by her.  No words were spoken on the whole way over there or back.  None!  I hate that.  It’s hard for me to talk but I will if I’m prompted.  She said nothing!  But it was really hard for me.  I started going to the bathroom pretty much the whole time we were outside walking over there.  It started on our parking lot.  So by the time we got over to their parking lot, almost up to the door, I had to say something.  I couldn’t go in with soaking wet pants.  I said, “I can’t.”  But she didn’t hear me.  I’m sure it wasn’t very loud.  So I called her name and said, “Her name, I can’t.”  This time she turned around pretty quickly and might have said something like, “Oh, OK” and we turned around to go back.  I don’t think she looked at all but it was really bad.  All the way down my pants legs and even my socks got wet this time.  But I didn’t say a word about it.  She said we’ll go upstairs.  I was a little hesitant because I didn’t want anyone to see.  I would have preferred to go to the back of the building for less chance to run into people.  But I didn’t say anything.  The whole time!  And, pretty much the whole time she walked ahead of me.  I don’t like that either.  It’s like she’s with me but she’s not.  It feels bad.  So we got upstairs and she told me to go down the hall to the bathroom because it’s still early and the waiting room might be full.  She went in, back to her office, and I went down the hall to change and came back after I was done.    She asked me how that was.  “Not good,” I told her.  She said it’s disappointing.  Yes.  She tried to talk a little about it but I think she could tell I didn’t want to talk about it.  I can’t even remember what she said or asked me.  But, that’s OK … I really don’t want to remember.  I think she asked me if I waited too long to go or had to go too badly or something like that.  I told her, “I guess so.”    So, to try to get out of this I told her I can tell her what happened Sunday.  She perked up a little, wanting to hear.  I told her, a little perkier myself and tried not to think of things and just stay on target and not think about what just happened.  I told her about our friend that we have really nice conversations on Sunday morning.  She asked if my husband participates.  I told her no, I was just thinking, this friend mostly talks to me but my husband does say things every once in a while.  I don’t like how my husband is.  He talks but gets off on tangents.  I like talking to my friend and didn’t want it to end but knew it had to.   Then I said we went to Trader Joe’s and I see this little blonde bopping around up front.  It was my little grandson.  It was him and my daughter.  We’ve seen them there before.  We talked, walked down the isles and then checked out together.  Outside he ran into my car, got in and sat in his car seat.  Just like the other day here he did saying, “Nana, Nana!”  So he ended up coming with us and we went to Target to get my husband’s IPod.  He was perfect with us and he’s not good in Target.  She asked if I tell my daughter about him.  Yes.  And, he didn’t have any ADD medicine.  I like him better like that jumping around talking and acting like a little kid.  He said as long as I don’t take him to the toy isle.  But I wanted to see what would happen so we did, telling him I can’t buy any thing but I want some ideas of what he wants for the holidays.  He was fine.  She said that’s good I set limits with him.  So we got home and my daughter came over and we went holiday shopping.  It was really nice.  She asked if we do that often.  No.  She asked if I can talk to my daughter like my friend.  No, she doesn’t listen to me.  Although I listen to her.  While we were out my husband texted me our son was over with his girlfriend.  I knew it would happen soon.  So almost home I asked my daughter to tell me what she thinks of her, later.  Yesterday she told me she’s nice, very bubbly.    So when we got home my son, his girlfriend and my grandson were at the kitchen table coloring.  She seems to fit right in with our family.  And we have a lot in common.  They all went to the same schools, her brother was in the same class as my youngest and her other brother in an asthma study with my youngest as well.  They all went to same orthodontist, we are the same religion, etc.  We even sat and talked after dinner.  She knows how I complain my other kids are into the electronics and such.  She commented how nice and in the future to expand my family and she knows (not time yet) how I would like more grandchildren.  I nodded yes.    Then I told her I printed out throw up pictures like she said.  I said how it was an exposure just doing that.  I tried not to look but you have to see what it is and what you’re printing.  I’d put my hand up to try to cover.  I didn’t want them with me and she asked me if I wanted to leave them there.  Yes.  I handed them to her, folded so I couldn’t see, and told her there are 5 or 6 pages.  I told her they are really gross that maybe she doesn’t even want to look at them.  She took them and looked at them!  She commented how people post anything on the internet.  She said they were really gross and no one likes to look at that (maybe nurses it doesn’t bother as much) but there is a difference because I run.  She said she would not like to walk in and have to clean up and take care of a family member like that.  But, she would do it.  I wouldn’t.  I’d run away.    We started to explore this some but I told her I wanted to do something else.  I printed out my question and the responses on that support group board I’m on.  She asked me if I wanted to summarize it.  No, I wanted her to read them.  She did mostly – not word for word on all of them – I think some she just skimmed or didn’t get to at all.  In fact, I don’t think she got the gist of it that I wanted her to.  She said it looks like I need to get a Doppler Test.  But I’m afraid I’ll do that and they’ll want more testing and in the hospital like I really don’t want to do.  She asked me about my husband.  Nothing.  He thinks he can do my work for me but he can’t.  It’s so involved.  He doesn’t know how to answer questions, where things are and such.  There is so much to do with it.    I told her in 2 weeks I can call the doctor because things will slow down a little – not completely but better than now.  She said it’s my decision.  I guess I showed her the responses because I am scared.  They say to go right away to possibly save my life but I can’t.  She even commented how it’s nice so many people (with their pictures – mine is the smiley faces) care.  But I don’t think she actually read about the bad things that happened to people.  No, I don’t want to go now but yes, I’m scared and we are not addressing that issue.  I told her I wanted to go try to go next door again.  I want to be able to do this.  She asked me if I have any extra clothes.  I pointed and said she does (in her drawer and she remembered).  It looks like she thought a little and said, “OK” as if just to go long with what I wanted to do.  I’m thinking she has reservations but I don’t know what – she doesn’t tell me.  Did she think I couldn’t do it?  Did she not want to?  Is it logistics with what bathroom to use since those people downstairs have been leaving their door open?  I just don’t know.  But I did want to try again.  So she got my bag out of her drawer and handed it to me for me to hold it, saying that.  Going out I asked her to hold it please.  She did.  She knows that!  So we went back over next door.  First, we saw the other massage therapist and my therapist greeted her with a big ‘hi’.  I more quietly said hi.  Again, not a word was uttered over there or back.  Nothing!  And again, I hate that!  We walked up to the bakery counter and I exchanged hi’s with the owner guy.  I don’t think she even noticed.  I looked for the cookies they didn’t have them.  I asked my therapist what she wanted.  First she said nothing but then I told her we’ll get something.  She said what ever I’m having.  So I ordered 2, in separate bags, first asking when they will have the cookies and they told me next week.  She stood way on the other side of me.  Not next to me at all.  In fact someone asked her if she needed any help because it didn’t even look like she was with me.  I don’t know what that was all about!  She just stood there holding my bag, not even looking at me I don’t think.  We were done and walked out.    Again, walking out she was way ahead of me.  I started wetting my pants before we left the store and outside on the parking lots.  But I just kept walking and didn’t say anything.  Well … how could I?  She was way ahead of me.  I’m not sure if it’s she walks faster because it’s harder for me to walk fast when I’m going to the bathroom or she just does that.  Or, to give me privacy.  Maybe she doesn’t even want to be with me.  I can read all sorts of things into it.  But, all I know is it’s not comfortable at all and it’s not like it used to be.  We’d walk together and we’d talk there and back.    So we walked in the building and up the steps.  As soon as we almost got to her office door I told her, “I can’t.”  I tried to cover a little with the 2 bags of goodies but I don’t think it worked very well.  She knew I had an accident and couldn’t go in and gave me my bag to go down the hall to change.  Again, she went back into her office.  Either time I don’t think she saw my pants.  They were really wet – especially the first time.  Maybe she glanced the second time going into her office door or maybe walking into the building – but I think she tried to but didn’t see anything.  Just something natural to do.  I’m glad she didn’t see anything!  She does give me my privacy with that.  The only thing is, in real life if it would happen with other people, they would definitely look.  And with her not looking I don’t learn to deal with that.  But who wants to?  After I was done I went back into her office.  I didn’t want to.  I half thought about just going out to my car and leaving because I had my purse with me.  But I told myself to just stick with it and face it.  And now, looking back, I couldn’t because my other bag with wet clothes were still in her office.  What would she have done with those?  Yuck!  On the way back to her office, I didn’t see her until after I passed her, she was standing there talking to the other massage therapist.  I hesitated when I saw her after I passed her but went right on and then she followed me back into her office.  I sat down really embarrassed and ashamed.  I didn’t say much.  I did hand her the bag of her goody in it.  She thanked me and put it in a drawer on her right side for later.    She talked a little about it.  She asked me if I got scared (the panic thing) when she was going slowly or time being over there and that’s why I went – brought it on quicker.  Probably.  She said it was a half hour since I went before and I’ve done this before and have done it fine.  I can do it.  I should know that my body can physically do it.  She asked me why I think I wasn’t able to do it – really both times.  If I knew what was going on.  I shook my head no.  I really didn’t want to talk about it.  I get like that.  I think I’m going backwards.  I couldn’t talk in the past and then I was able to and now I can’t.  Why am I going backwards?  More shame – even with her.    She asked me what I would have done if she wasn’t with me – would I have gone to the bathroom there.  Probably not because we were in the middle, I was already there.  She said I could have.  I could have just told her I’d be right back.  Yes, she might look at me strange but that’s OK.  I said unless it’s a long line and if I have to leave I’d have to start all over again.  She said I may have to do that sometimes.  I asked her if she could tell anything while we were there.  She said no but (I didn’t tell her this) she was so far away from me how could she tell.  When I glanced at her she wasn’t even looking and just looked straight ahead.  So how could she tell?  I did tell her it started (I started going) while I was there.  This is so embarrassing you just don’t know!  I’m so tired of it and I bet she is too!    So I was still very quiet – very quiet.  I wanted to cry.  I wanted to express myself of what’s bothering me but I couldn’t.  I couldn’t talk about anything.  Some of it’s the same things and I’m tired of it.  Some of it is other things and what does it matter?  It doesn’t matter to her!  It’s all my problems and my thinkings and no one can fix it.  And they are so embarrassing.  I hate feeling like this.  I can’t even say what everything is on here.  There was just too much bothering me and I felt stupid.  Plus there was no enough time and I didn’t want to start crying.  So I just shut up.  It was very awkward.  Once she asked me what was going on.  “Nothing,” I replied back and tried to get out of the quietness.  It only lasted a second and I was back into it.  Once I did smile a little and said at least we got our goodies.  Yes, she smiled back.   I didn't say but sometimes, like earlier, we don't even get over there.   So finally I thought I better change the subject.  I asked her if she thought of any projects I can do while she’s gone.  She asked me about some of the things I used to do.  She remembered cross stitch.  I said anything crafts.  She asked me if I have the supplies.  Yes, said.  She said I can make holiday things or for gift and maybe I can do things with my grandson.  He’s in school, I told her.  She asked me about plans with my friends.  No – none.  She said my work.  I’m busy this week but not as much next week and next week I’ll be busy at night and not during the day.  She said to do holiday projects.  One grandfather she saw yesterday made a huge gingerbread house with his grandkids.  She said to get my Doppler test.  No because they might want more.    She asked me how I was feeling.  All I said was sad.  I didn’t say more.  One other time when it was so quiet and neither of us were talking (she mostly stared off in space not to look directly at me but sometimes she did and I hate that – and I mostly just looked around the room).  I asked her if there was water in her diffuser.  Yes and a solution.  I guess, not knowing what else to say, she said about seeing me at 2 on next Thursday.  I just nodded.  She asked me if there was anything else I wanted to say before we ended.  No.  So we ended.  I did wish her good luck on her surgery and I left – at least 5 minutes or so earlier than usual.  So that was it.    I can’t even sort out all that was bothering me.  But I’ll stop writing this now and think later and maybe I’ll be able to write about it.  Let a little time pass.  When I gave her the responses I had it had the name of the site (she saw the support group name but I don’t think she paid attention to the site name) on it.  I don’t think she’ll ever try to find it and read these journals.  She already told me how she’s really bad with computers and phones and technical stuff.    OK … some time has passed and I can’t write any more.  This is enough for tonight because I’m feeling enough is enough.  She’ll be gone for over a week and there might be lots of times I’ll feel the need to write during that time.  Maybe I can express myself more then.  All I know is now I’m feeling sad, not liking myself at all.  I feel very disappointed in myself and in her.  I feel abandoned and left out.  She’s acting so strange I don’t know what’s happening.  Besides feeling sad I also feel angry at myself and at her.  But I do wish her luck in her surgery and recovery and will be praying for her.  That’s all for now.