Not A Good Day
Today it is sinking in that my husband is gone. I am very down and I know that things will only get better day to day. The loneliness I feel is because my partner of 38 years was taken by cancer. I don't ask where my life is headed, because I don't know. I only know that I need to get through each day, for the most important thing right now is my family, my job and my home. It would kill me if I were to give up my home. However, even though I am on an anti-depressant (Lexapro, 10 mg), I hope the depression doesn't get worse. I fight to keep my head above water, for I cannot succumb to the pit of darkness. Been there in the 70's, and don't want to be there again. The conclusion is that we can't keep burying the feelings we need to be experiencing. I need to forge on for me, for my family, and for my friends. They all care about me and would be heartbroken if something should happen. They all know what a strong person I am, even though I don't feel it. Hopefully God will watch over me and help me through this pain.
Replies
I am with you. I know there is nothing I can say that will make it better. But I just wanted to let you know I care, and you are not alone. The pain of losing our soul mates is unbearable, and all I can do is get by day by day.
Debbie - a child of the 70\'s? So am I. You talk about the pit of darkness, and I understand. Been there. I had friends tell me 2 and 3 months out, \"you haven\'t hit rock bottom yet\". Thanks, guys. I don\'t hold much out on what the \"grief experts\" say, but one thing holds true - you\'ve got to go through it to go through it. The pain is terrible, but to deny it means it will come back to bite you in the ass. Do whatever you have to do - sob, wail, scream - therapy, journaling, cleaning your toilet (it helped me) - Whatever it takes to work through the wild emotions. I would call friends and say, \"just talk to me, I don\'t care about what\". Yes, you\'re strong, but yes, you are allowed to be weak. Allow yourself this, in the comfort of your home. You\'re not losing it. Hugs, Marsha
Sometimes I believe people should keep those kind of comments to themselves. You try to focus every day and train your mind to keep out the negativity. It doesn\'t help that you are reminded of the holidays, winter, or that you haven\'t hit rock bottom yet. Instead of feeling somewhat better, it gives you a sense of doom that you anticipate looking for. I\'m just dealing with a day at a time. I\'m not looking for rock bottom, or a downhill spiral. I am 3 months out and have I hit rock bottom? No. I am sad, I am depressed, but no rock bottom. Just surfing the daily waves.
P.S. I so love my home. The bad part is I see my husband everywhere, but in time the sadness wioll be replaced by a sense of peace. Home is where my heart is, and there are more reasons to be in it than to let go of it. Not happening anytime soon.
I can always change the things that I want to, but you can\'t get rid of everything as it is part of your life. I can see why people do rash things. They believe it is a quick fix. It would be so stupid for me to do that, and I won\'t. I pray to God daily to give me peace and strength to forge through, in addition to loving my home.
God will definitely be there for you.
Thank you. I know he always is.