Nostalgia
Hey babe,
Here it is midday Saturday and I really haven't done anything much yet today except think about you, our life and our love. Miss you as always. Not so much that bone crushing grief as just a general weight of sadness that settles over me. Found a box of stuff that you kept your special memories in. Made me smile for the most part. Just increases my longing for the life that's gone. Reading old love letters from you about following our hearts. We were so in love. So passionate about each other. I'd forgotten how crazy we were about each other. After 15 years of marriage our life and love evolved. Still wanting to be together but as you were fond of saying the flames of early love died down to the embers that burned brighter and gave more heat and comfort. Happy just living life together. Sharing all that it brought, the ups and downs, the good and bad. We were supposed to grow old together. I know you loved me to your dying day but where does that leave me. I will always love you but will there be room in my heart for another one day? The thought of spending the rest of my life alone seems so sad. I still have so much love to give but at the same time it's hard to imagine right now giving it to someone else. You have been my whole life for the last 17 years. As the anniversary of your death fast approaches it's impossible not to look back and see how far I've come, yet it brings more questions. Who am I now you're gone? What next? I feel like I'm just watching life go by without participating in it much. Yet I don't know what to do. How to start living again. I loved being a wife, your wife, but that identity is gone now. I'm certainly not the same woman I was before you met me. You have given me such a wonderful life. Even now, you're still taking care of me financially. I know how blessed I am and I do try and be thankful for all that I have. It's just hard adjusting to this life without you. You were my rock, my safe harbor. The world is a much colder and harsher place without you in it.
I feel like I'm just rambling so I will stop and try and go do something. I know when today is over I will be disappointed in myself that I "wasted" my weekend but that's just the way it is sometimes :)
Love you hon,
Liz
Here it is midday Saturday and I really haven't done anything much yet today except think about you, our life and our love. Miss you as always. Not so much that bone crushing grief as just a general weight of sadness that settles over me. Found a box of stuff that you kept your special memories in. Made me smile for the most part. Just increases my longing for the life that's gone. Reading old love letters from you about following our hearts. We were so in love. So passionate about each other. I'd forgotten how crazy we were about each other. After 15 years of marriage our life and love evolved. Still wanting to be together but as you were fond of saying the flames of early love died down to the embers that burned brighter and gave more heat and comfort. Happy just living life together. Sharing all that it brought, the ups and downs, the good and bad. We were supposed to grow old together. I know you loved me to your dying day but where does that leave me. I will always love you but will there be room in my heart for another one day? The thought of spending the rest of my life alone seems so sad. I still have so much love to give but at the same time it's hard to imagine right now giving it to someone else. You have been my whole life for the last 17 years. As the anniversary of your death fast approaches it's impossible not to look back and see how far I've come, yet it brings more questions. Who am I now you're gone? What next? I feel like I'm just watching life go by without participating in it much. Yet I don't know what to do. How to start living again. I loved being a wife, your wife, but that identity is gone now. I'm certainly not the same woman I was before you met me. You have given me such a wonderful life. Even now, you're still taking care of me financially. I know how blessed I am and I do try and be thankful for all that I have. It's just hard adjusting to this life without you. You were my rock, my safe harbor. The world is a much colder and harsher place without you in it.
I feel like I'm just rambling so I will stop and try and go do something. I know when today is over I will be disappointed in myself that I "wasted" my weekend but that's just the way it is sometimes :)
Love you hon,
Liz
Replies
Dear Liz . . . you haven\'t wasted your weekend or the time it took you to write this beautiful journal entry. It was a post love letter to your husband . . . a reminder of your thankfulness and sharing your fears of the future. All good.
How to start living again is a common question amongst we W/W\'s. The best advice, albeit simple, is one day at a time . . . one foot in front of the other. Clarity eventually comes and we start to see day light once again. We begin to see ourselves better, know ourselves better and define ourselves outside of being a husband/wife.
Hang in there my friend . . . you will come to know and see brighter days ahead. Time. xo, D
Your entry breaks my heart, and even so I see you had a great love. I too am wondering what the future will bring. I remember those early days of intense passion and blooming love. Those are the comforts that I reach for now that Susie is gone. All my thoughts are on you today. Chris