Normal, what is it??
Emotions have been pretty good lately. What I've realized is that when I don't think about the A. I can really live life the way I used to and even more. I enjoy my family and friends and my H which is the big thing. Now of course there always seems to be a downside to the good and this is where I am now.
My question that I keep thinking about is, Is it healthy to not think about or block the A and live in the present? I initially say yes it's important to live in the present because that is where we are. When I look back I'm looking back at a person my H is no longer and neither am I. BUT.. am I just fooling myself, am I just causing myself more pain down the rode? That I don't know. I really do understand why my H had the A and what his mental state was. What I don't understand is how he could hurt me, our kids, and even himself like that. I know he wasn't thinking but as a person that does think of other people and him I just can't fathom it. I still hurts. Am I ever going to get over that? I wish I knew.
Is the key to healing to block out the pain? Is that compartmentalizing? Sometimes I feel like it's giving him a free pass, which I know it's not but can't help feeling that way when I'm down. Sometimes as much as I love my H I hate what my H did and at times hate him for doing this to me. Then I remember he didn't do this to me it was all about him. Can you ever respect your CS again? When I think about the A I can't.
Am I doomed, are we doomed? I'm PMSing and wonder if it's all related. It seems like that is when I question things. Anyone else feel that way?
My question that I keep thinking about is, Is it healthy to not think about or block the A and live in the present? I initially say yes it's important to live in the present because that is where we are. When I look back I'm looking back at a person my H is no longer and neither am I. BUT.. am I just fooling myself, am I just causing myself more pain down the rode? That I don't know. I really do understand why my H had the A and what his mental state was. What I don't understand is how he could hurt me, our kids, and even himself like that. I know he wasn't thinking but as a person that does think of other people and him I just can't fathom it. I still hurts. Am I ever going to get over that? I wish I knew.
Is the key to healing to block out the pain? Is that compartmentalizing? Sometimes I feel like it's giving him a free pass, which I know it's not but can't help feeling that way when I'm down. Sometimes as much as I love my H I hate what my H did and at times hate him for doing this to me. Then I remember he didn't do this to me it was all about him. Can you ever respect your CS again? When I think about the A I can't.
Am I doomed, are we doomed? I'm PMSing and wonder if it's all related. It seems like that is when I question things. Anyone else feel that way?
Replies
The ability to let the past go is a huge accomplishment. You cannot change it-only your reaction to it. You\'re probably afraid that if you put it behind you, you\'ll get burned again, right? Try not to. Did you H learn from that mistake? That have faith and try to trust again. (HUGS)
Your right I am afraid. I\'m afraid that if I let go completely and not hold onto something he\'s going to forget, he\'s going to get too comfortable and fall back to his old ways. Which in turn I guess I\'m afraid that I\'m going to fall back to mine, which is not standing my ground on what I believe and I guess I\'m afraid that my H will no longer listen to what I have to say (just had a revelation). Yes, I believe without a doubt that my H learned from his mistake and will never do that again. It\'s hard though to see on the board BS\'s telling us about their CS\'s who had A\'s again years down the road and not think \"Hey, could this happen to me too\" Living in fear isn\'t a good thing so maybe as others have done is just journal and not read the board.
Thanks for making me think. That\'s what\'s great about DS.
Be careful not to get too jaded or cynical. Sometimes reading the infidelity boards too much is not good. It gets you going, makes you feel insecure and makes you doubt yourself and your own life. I can only suggest that you keep ACTIVELY working on it. Read books together on marriage or infidelity or DVDs. They keep you both humble, keep you talking and keep you working on things to make the marriage better. Forgive, but DO NOT forget. It\'s so easy to get into comfortable molds and we all do it. Just remember that those molds are what created friction and trouble.
I don\'t think many CS understand the emotional turmoil that lingers even after the dust has settled. It really is a fine thread between hope and fear in this rebuilding process. And it doesn\'t take much to push it from one side to the other. There have been several recent postings on the Rebuilding board where the CS chose to cheat again. It is hard for us to read because deep in our gut, we always fear it could be us in their shoes.
In my case I do respect my spouse. I have to focus on the fact that he totally lacks coping skills and that was his greatest downfall when the OW came along during a major stressful time in our life. Our marriage was not perfect, but it wasn\'t bad either. So, I have to acknowledge the whole A occurred because he was trying to escape from pressures in our life.
Despite my ability to be objective about it, when the A comes to mind, the pain that hits me can still take my breath away. That is when I struggle and wonder if I am ever going to get past this. The sense of betrayal actually feels more ACUTE now because things are going so much better between us....so that makes it hurt more because I am overlaying a past hurt on top of a current relationship and that doesn\'t work.
On days I get worked up, I have to step back and remind myself of where we are NOW. On days I get worked up, I also have to look around and see what other things are going on in my life and many times I will find that I am stressing over something else....but reach out and grab onto the A pain because I know what it is, I recognize it, and in some sick way, I it is an old familiar blanket to deal with versus something else new and scary to stress about (does that make sense?).
At almost two years out from dday I feel like some of the sting is not as hurtful. The A is a part of our marital experience. It can\'t go away. It is, what it is and I just have to incorporate it into my life journey and just move on. That\'s not to say, that like rocks in a stream that on occasion I am not going to get bumped and jarred, but I try to keep flowing forward.
((((hugs)))))))
Oh and cecpbc: I wanted to add.....you made a comment about that if you didn\'t hold on to the A that maybe he would fall back into old ways or that you would fall back into old ways.
Maybe we would all be better if we view the \"A\" not as something to keep us from falling back into old ways, but as a reminder to continue the good work on the new relationship that we have created together. Next time I want to fall down and hurt over what happened, I need to take time to list what is happening NOW - to use the A as a tool to focus on positive things, rather than negative. I do believe that men and women can learn from a past mistake and really have their eyes opened to how close they came to losing their spouse.
That\'s what I\'m afraid of, too! Our MC told me to let it out in little bursts of steam instead of holding it in like a pressure cooker that explodes and leaves a huge mess in the kitchen.
Maybe this is our cross to bear in order to remain vigilant? I\'m only five freakin\' months out, so I\'m just throwing it out there. I don\'t know what it will feel like when I reach the point you\'re at, but it sure it will be a helluva lot better than what I\'ve got going now. I like what Vacation said. I\'d also add that it would be better to acknowledge that yucky feeling first, then direct that energy towards keeping your marriage in top shape.
Vaca, It\'s funny you mention that about reading or watching DVD\'s because I realize that I have a much better frame of mind and can deal with the lows when I read inspirational books or books that help build a stronger marriage. The reinforcement found on this board is what makes it so different from all the others. Everyone has really helped me get where I am. Reading posts that trigger bring me down but the fact that you guys can help make me see things clearly only makes me stronger in the end,
And that\'s what it\'s all about! :)
Beach, your right I do fear I\'ll be in their shoes especially when in previous posts everything is good with them. Your also spot on regarding the pain of the A that is felt now compared to before. Our marriage now is one that I would have dreamed of minus the \"A\". It\'s weird the \"A\" that has caused so much pain has also caused such happiness. Thank you for your insight and for helping me refocus.
I like the idea of the \"A\" reminding us to keep up the good work rather than as a negative. I think that is what keeps most of us going day to day. We have to see that something good came out of such deep pain. That applies to all of the pain we feel in life otherwise how would we ever continue to live.
shtmyhdid, your MC has a good point. Prior to \"A\" my H would do exactly what your MC is saying not to do. When we had a problem he\'d push it aside and then take it for so long and then explode and I\'d be like what the hell, where is this coming from because I thought things were good all along. This would be an argument on top of the one that he was exploding about. My way of dealing with frustrations were I would explode, want to talk it out, and then everything would be ok. The problem there was that I thought we were resolving our problems but we weren\'t because in retrospect most arguments came from the same core.
We\'re in MC now dealing with those core problems.
I wouldn\'t wish this on anyone but it\'s comforting to know we have the same fears.