Normal or Insane

I don't know if others feel this way or am I going insane.  I sit on the sofa and close my eyes and the image of Carlos comes and I remember all the wonderful talks that we had while sitting there.  I open my eyes thinking this is just a dream and that he really is alive and beside me.  I am driving and I am think about Carlos and then I start wondering if I am dreaming and I am the one dead and this is what I am feeling and see while being dead.  There are times I wonder if I am in a coma and witnessing all of my family.  I don't know if this is normal or is the pain too much and I need to get on some medication.  I think that sometimes I am heading for a nervous breakdown.  I need to be strong for myself and for my children.  I feel so lonely and miss Carlos so much.  I smile because that is what is expected from me.  I eat because I have to keep going.  I work because I need to pay my bills.  I don't have the joy of life like I once had when Carlos was here.  I am trying my best to be normal but I am having a hard time considering what is normal again.