Nobody knows.....

Its been a few days since my last entry. I have been doing alright. Went to a different church one that I'm hoping is more tolerant of my lifestyle. The service was good. Music was really good, the singers were amazing. I had an intense phone conversation with a friend from my old church. It didn't end so well...I hung up on him. He meant well, I just wasn't very receptive and extremely sensitive. This struggle of my sexuality and church continues. I never know from one moment to the next what's gonna happen or how I will feel. I fear this will be a lifelong battle. I'm a bit edgy this morning too.. not sure why exactly...maybe I've been "stinkin thinkin" too much about the phone call last night. My place in the world is at question. I used to think I had a purpose and a plan but now that's all gone. I exist solely on my own self desire to survive. Another thing weighing heavy on me is two people from the old church showed up at my door. I wasn't ready to see them. I was short and direct with them. One said things that really upset me. Why won't they leave me alone when I keep telling to? I can see from reading old journal entries that I have steadily gone down hill. It hasn't been long going down either. I guess I will survive but how long I can keep this up is nobody knows. My therapist made a prediction that eventually my world will fall apart....I guess she was right....