No Winners
A quote from the late Dr. Shirley Glass, "There are no winners in the resolution of extramarital triangles - only survivors," really struck me.
When a CS moves on and leaves a BS behind, it always feels so tragic. But why? Why does that hit a nerve harder than if a BS leaves? I guess on a personal level, it relates to the absence of power I felt. I had no choice. I had no say. I had no control over the situation. When a CS chooses to leave a BS who wants them to stay, it rips away even more control and I hate that. What's worse is when a CS leaves specifically to be with the OP. Again, internally I take it as the OP "wins", somehow.
But does s/he? I guess the OP wins the fight for that person, but then must battle his or her own demons. Yay, you won this person who cheated on his/her spouse - which makes him/her likely to cheat on you. Yay? Whoopy, you get to be with someone who lied to the person s/he promised to care for no matter what. What kind of win is that?
And what about the CS? S/he wins no matter what, right? Either way, s/he gets the ego boost of two people fighting over him/her and regardless of whether the BS or OP stays/goes, there's someone there - I suppose unless they both leave. (I wonder how often that really happens, though? From what I've seen, not very often.) So is the CS really a winner? Seems likely not. If the CS stays with spouse, there's a lot of compensation and changes that need to be made. There's the walking on eggshells dance, the utter lack of privacy, there's the shame and pain in seeing the devastation caused the spouse... and on and on. And if the CS moves on with the OP? Very often, there's still pain in dealing with the (ex) spouse, the struggle to make the relationship with the OP work in the light of day, exposed by all, and without the thrill of sneaking around and the freshness of being only a "part time" thing. "Affairages" so rarely work out, and no wonder, right? Relationships built on lies and deceit don't seem like healthy ones to me.
So pain for everyone... and that's not even mentioning friends or co-workers or children who will undoubtedly be effected.
I guess the only "winners" in any of this are lawyers.
(As a total aside, I hate lawyers, in case I haven't mentioned.)
It kills me to even try to remove the "winners/losers" mentality from infidelity situations, but I think it's going to be key in moving forward. So many friends have offered well meant "pats on the back" for "winning" H back, but the reality is, I keep feeling like the OW won because she lost nothing. It pisses me off that I have to deal with this pain and suffering every day and she gets to go on as if nothing happened.
H may not have picked her, but he didn't need to. She still won. And I hate her for it.
(And yes, I still need to hate her and transfer so much venom to her in order to protect my love for him. I'm not ready to move past that, yet.)
I once took specialized training as part of the volunteer organization through which I do most of my work. There was a game we played called "Win All You Can". The premise was, quite simply, to WIN ALL YOU CAN. Interestingly, the room was divided into 2 groups of 4. Each of the two groups played "separately" but in tangent. The idea was to win the most points possible. Just enough was explained to understand that either one of the 4 groups won ALL of the points, or "everyone" split the pot. (Well, that's simplifying it, but you get the drift.) It became increasingly clear that we either were competing against the OTHER side of the room or something else was going on.
You see, in order to win "all" points, a team had to be devious and conniving, which is rather much against the aims and goals of the organization. That aside, a little math quickly showed that either ONE team had to win EVERY time or else we all had to win every time. If EVERYONE won and split the pot each time, then the most points total could be garnered. Make sense? WIN ALL YOU CAN: if everyone wins - we're all winning. It's not about one group or team being better than the rest, it's about everyone coming up with a way to cooperate and "win".
Sounds great, right? When working within a volunteer organization split into many teams, that's a good thing to remember. There's no reason or room for competition within a volunteer group. That doesn't help anyone. So is there room within an infidelity triangle? Is there a way to WIN ALL YOU CAN?
Doesn't feel like there are any winners.
When a CS moves on and leaves a BS behind, it always feels so tragic. But why? Why does that hit a nerve harder than if a BS leaves? I guess on a personal level, it relates to the absence of power I felt. I had no choice. I had no say. I had no control over the situation. When a CS chooses to leave a BS who wants them to stay, it rips away even more control and I hate that. What's worse is when a CS leaves specifically to be with the OP. Again, internally I take it as the OP "wins", somehow.
But does s/he? I guess the OP wins the fight for that person, but then must battle his or her own demons. Yay, you won this person who cheated on his/her spouse - which makes him/her likely to cheat on you. Yay? Whoopy, you get to be with someone who lied to the person s/he promised to care for no matter what. What kind of win is that?
And what about the CS? S/he wins no matter what, right? Either way, s/he gets the ego boost of two people fighting over him/her and regardless of whether the BS or OP stays/goes, there's someone there - I suppose unless they both leave. (I wonder how often that really happens, though? From what I've seen, not very often.) So is the CS really a winner? Seems likely not. If the CS stays with spouse, there's a lot of compensation and changes that need to be made. There's the walking on eggshells dance, the utter lack of privacy, there's the shame and pain in seeing the devastation caused the spouse... and on and on. And if the CS moves on with the OP? Very often, there's still pain in dealing with the (ex) spouse, the struggle to make the relationship with the OP work in the light of day, exposed by all, and without the thrill of sneaking around and the freshness of being only a "part time" thing. "Affairages" so rarely work out, and no wonder, right? Relationships built on lies and deceit don't seem like healthy ones to me.
So pain for everyone... and that's not even mentioning friends or co-workers or children who will undoubtedly be effected.
I guess the only "winners" in any of this are lawyers.
(As a total aside, I hate lawyers, in case I haven't mentioned.)
It kills me to even try to remove the "winners/losers" mentality from infidelity situations, but I think it's going to be key in moving forward. So many friends have offered well meant "pats on the back" for "winning" H back, but the reality is, I keep feeling like the OW won because she lost nothing. It pisses me off that I have to deal with this pain and suffering every day and she gets to go on as if nothing happened.
H may not have picked her, but he didn't need to. She still won. And I hate her for it.
(And yes, I still need to hate her and transfer so much venom to her in order to protect my love for him. I'm not ready to move past that, yet.)
I once took specialized training as part of the volunteer organization through which I do most of my work. There was a game we played called "Win All You Can". The premise was, quite simply, to WIN ALL YOU CAN. Interestingly, the room was divided into 2 groups of 4. Each of the two groups played "separately" but in tangent. The idea was to win the most points possible. Just enough was explained to understand that either one of the 4 groups won ALL of the points, or "everyone" split the pot. (Well, that's simplifying it, but you get the drift.) It became increasingly clear that we either were competing against the OTHER side of the room or something else was going on.
You see, in order to win "all" points, a team had to be devious and conniving, which is rather much against the aims and goals of the organization. That aside, a little math quickly showed that either ONE team had to win EVERY time or else we all had to win every time. If EVERYONE won and split the pot each time, then the most points total could be garnered. Make sense? WIN ALL YOU CAN: if everyone wins - we're all winning. It's not about one group or team being better than the rest, it's about everyone coming up with a way to cooperate and "win".
Sounds great, right? When working within a volunteer organization split into many teams, that's a good thing to remember. There's no reason or room for competition within a volunteer group. That doesn't help anyone. So is there room within an infidelity triangle? Is there a way to WIN ALL YOU CAN?
Doesn't feel like there are any winners.
Replies
I kinda feel like the OW \"won\". She did get her heart broken. A but excessively for a 7 month relationship, but whatever. She never had to worry about losing her home, or how she was going to live with only seeing her beautiful 1 year old son every other week. Her life stayed the same. She got a little heartbreak. She put herself out there, and got left hangin. BIG FUCKING DEAL. H and I are left hurt and trying to clean up a big ass mess which is further complicated by our own issues. Errrrrrr.... I don\'t think the BS, or CS come out as winners. Just two wounded people trying to clean up a giant fucking mess.
In a lot of ways, I feel the same way. I don\'t feel like the OW\'s won, because he is with none of them now. But I do struggle with the fact that I have hurt and pain and heartbreak everyday that I have to deal with, and they simply don\'t care. Not one of them acted hurt of devistated that my (ex) husband ended things with them. They shrugged it off and said, \"Ok\" and never contacted him or me again. My life was turned upside down in ways I never expected, while all four of them seem completely unaffected. I got divorced. I had to get a new house, divide all of my things, send thousands of dollars on a lawyer, etc... They got up in the morning, went to work, and spent time with their families as if nothing ever happened (three of the 4 were single, so it\'s not like their marriages in jeopardy, or I have the satisfaction of knowing that their \"happy life\" is built around a lie).
I struggle the most with the control issue. The CS gets hurt? Big frickin deal, they created the situation! They could have chosen not to get hurt by not making a mess in the first place. The OW gets hurt? So frickin what? She put herself in the situation, and could have chosen not to. I feel like the CS and the OP\'s suffering is more of consequences, and therefore I sort of feel like they deserve it, if that makes sense.
Meanwhile I did nothing wrong, I had no control over the situation, and yet I was thrown into it and have to deal with the pain everyday. Even escaping the marriage didn\'t give me an escape from the anguish and heartbreak.
Right. The BS gets the no lube anal fuck for sure. Sorry for the nasty expression, but that\'s what it feels like... Well not that I really know... Lol...
We are the only ones who had no say. They had a party, and we get the mess. Bull shit!
Yes, no lube anal fuck as you say.
No wonder I\'m so butt hurt lately.