No where to go no where to turn

I pick the color red to describe how I feel because my heart is bleeding. Ever time I think that some one could love me it is always falls apart. The only thing I ask in life was to feel safe that I was OK and loved by some one. However that seems to be a chore I guess .I can only say that once again my heart has been ripped in half as if I do not matter. I only wanted some one to except me as I am not judge me for things that I can not do. Why is it so hard for some one to want me truly want me in their life. I am always crying in silents and no one notices the pain that I have inside me. I just wanted some one tell me that I am worth something in life that they truly love me.I ask the lord to guide me show me the way. Some times I just want to disappear and never be found that way I can not hurt any more. The only sense of happiness I have is caring for others that are not able to do for their self. Ds has help me as well cause I can write what I truly feel. The friends I have had on Ds has been very supportive and for this reason I am very thankful. My life has been rough not only on me but because of my mistakes my Son and my daughter has suffer because of my mistakes in life. My child hood was rough as well. I have been abused in many way verbal emotionally and physical.I have all so been rape three time during my life once when I was 12 years old. The hurt and the pain never seems to stop. Why is that I need to fight to be OK, I always have to defend my self. Why do I need to do that it is not right. Why can you not love me I try so hard however no matter what I do it is not enough for you. I just want you nothing else, I need to replace happiness and search for that feeling of need. I want to feel as if I am needed in your life. However that does not happen I have cried several time begged with you. Telling you how I feel and why and it does not seem to matter. I feel I am always wrong fro something or another. I married you because you had passion the love I felt that could last a life time. It was only a dream, you would sit by my hold my hand hug me kiss me. That has all disappeared along time ago I had fought for the longest time to get that back. then my will had left I felt like a wall was up and would never come down and it has not. You look at every thing I do has if I am trying to hurt you. You will not look at the other side of it you only see one thing. I can not fight a losing battle with you any more you only give me one choice and that to call it quits. I can not make you love me or want me for that matter. That has to come from within, I have to tell my self I do not love you so it will not hurt so bad any more. I do not know what to do any more, nothing seems to matter or nothing seems to come a cross to you. Even now you make no attempt to try to resolve any thing you just be tend it does not exist. You think things will be better in a few days. I no longer can live like this I need some one to love me and I will find that some one some how. The only comfort I have right now is writing what I feel I need help I have not slept in four days now hardly eat and in a lot of pain due to the fibromyalgia. I just want to scream out loud and go away. Why can you not love me why what is so wrong with me?