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I was just looking at my last entry and realized that what we were going thru was an "episode". Granted at that time I didn't know what was going on, nor did I know that he had been diganosed with BP. When I finally talked to him about the BP, he swears he told me about it at the beginning of our relationship. Which I know I would have remembered learning that. After researching the disorder I'm starting to realize that most of our fights have been while he's in an "episode". This does make me feel better, but still doesn't change the fact that he self medicates with pot. He has told me that he's tried other medication and nothing works as well, or it makes him feel "funky". Granted the pot does help him, it definitely mellows him out and makes him much less tense. But I'm not sure if that is the long term answer.  Our last big fight was because he had been talking to a mutual friend of ours and his ex-girlfriend via text messages. For a long time he was very secretive with his texting and is phone. He'd freak out if I even picked it up to hand it to him. I said something to our mutual friend and she came clean (actually for the 3rd time) about what they were talking about. Yes, this was the 3rd time she had told me that he had been texting her things about sex and what he wanted to do to her and how he wanted to be with her. Since I didn't know about the BP and the things that went along with it, I believed him over her (which in hindsight was a bad idea). He still gets defensive when her name comes up and I'm not sure if it is because he really did want to be with her, but didn't want to hurt me. I don't think I"ll ever know. Now with the ex-girlfriend I followed this much more closely then I did our mutual friend. I started checking our phone records and saw that he was texting her ALL day long. When he wouldn't even call me once or text me once!! And even saw that they were exchanging pictures. I asked our mutual friend about the picture thing and she admitted that he had asked her for some naked pictures of her, but she never sent him any, just regular pictures of her. So one night I got a hold of his phone while he was sleeping on the couch. And what did I find, but a picture of the ex. Not of her face, but a spread eagle picture of her "private downstairs". This was last December and I still can't get the image out of my head. This of course turned into a HUGE fight. This time though, he knew I had every reason to be upset with the situation and didn't accuse me of "having an attitude". I just couldn't wrap my head around the idea of having a naked picture of someone other than my husband on my phone or anywhere else!! Oh and this picture was attached to her phone number, so every time she called he saw that. I asked him, of course, why it was on there and he stumbled and stumbled for about an hour before he finally thought of a good excuse. That he had put it on there to remind him of what he didn't want. I still don't think that is the case, but I know, because of the BP that I will never know the truth.  I do feel better about us know that I know about the BP, but I'm still just wondering how much of our relationship has been a lie and if I'm currently in that lie. If he really wants someone else and just stays with me because of our son and the fact that we are married. This is something I think about everyday. I just graduated with my Associates degree, and I've taken care of myself before I met him and I know I can do it again. I'm just not sure what I am to do.