No One DIed
After much discussion and many tears, H and I finally came to somewhat of an understanding.
OW has to die.
No, I'm just kidding. OK. Well. I DID say that, but I guess it's not a realistic option. Heh. Anyway, I guess the short of it is that things are slipping back to the way they were pre-A and that's what has me in a tizzy. We're not getting along, he's shutting down and sticking his head in the sand instead of actually talking to me, I'm feeling lonely and abandoned, he's feeling overwhelmed and put-upon... and on and on.
The solution, sadly, is really easy. It's almost too simple to be real, actually. It's pleasant time spent together. Time where we don't has out issues of the past, or negotiate big issues, or make life changing decisions, or discuss money or in-laws or parenting. We just need time where we enjoy each other's company - and that's it. Like most couples (I assume, anyway) we're so pressed for time in our days that we're always multitasking. I'm cooking dinner while kids are practicing school presentations, he's fussing with finances while he's supposed to be writing reports for work, I'm watching TV while I'm working on folders and other day camp projects (did I mention I took over the day camp director job this year?)
Clearly, we're not making "us" priority, and we need to.
Finances for our family (like most families, I'll assume) are tight and we've had to make some budget cuts. We were going away every single weekend, if only for a full day or a single overnight. We found the money. We cut back in other areas and made "dates" priority.
I guess this is what brought on the revelation, actually. We were discussing finances and he had his brand shiny new budget to show me and I had about half a dozen expenditures he hadn't considered to add to the list and when I mentioned, "You forgot date nights," he flippantly responded with, "Well, I only put essentials - dates aren't essential."
But his Hulu subscription is? Srsly? Dude!
I was crushed. He was confused. See, date nights aren't a "subscription" event. They aren't a set monthly amount. (He forgets to budget for propane, too, since we only end up refilling the tank twice a year.) Because the amount we spend fluctuates. One month when things were really lean, I used the $6 I had to my name to take him to McDonald's for breakfast, for example. The month we went out of town for his birthday, we went to a very pricy restaurant, stayed at a hotel, and did some other site seeing in the area while we were out of town. So I guess he didn't really mean that dates weren't important, he just meant that the amount we spent wasn't important.
Yet, if he doesn't set aside at least some money, then we don't do anything. Because, see, if we don't have money, then he doesn't plan for it. His attitude is, "We're broke, so we just won't go/do anything." To shift some of the blame back on me, I'm the same with time budgeting. If it's not on my calendar, it doesn't happen. We've gone as far as to put "sexy time" on the calendar, even, just to make sure it's not something we overlook.
So, in spite of wanting to murder him several times over the last couple of weeks (almost month?) we managed through. It went far when I broke into tears on Tuesday because he'd had three days off and during that whole time we only spent a single hour together alone - during which he got upset and then spent the rest of the night ignoring me.
He was confused and his perspective was clearly different from mine. "We spent the whole weekend together!" No. Two of the three days off he went into work (yeah, no triggers there, not at all....) Any time we spent together was either with the kids, with the kids and the neighbors who had come to hang out on Sunday night, or running errands (with the kids!) Not exactly "us" time.
"I'm lonely," I sniffled. "I need you. I want you. I MISS you. I want you all to myself for awhile," I explained.
That was apparently the "right" phrasing. Everything else had come across as an attack against him (he said) or had been too opaque for him to understand.
"Tomorrow night let's plan to get away this weekend. Screw the budget, we'll figure it out. We'll do SOMETHING, at least." Then with a smile he kissed me and said, "Put it on your calendar."
And that was exactly what I needed to hear.
For the record, I still think if OW died a lot of issues would be resolved, but no one died, and I suppose that's alright. For now.
OW has to die.
No, I'm just kidding. OK. Well. I DID say that, but I guess it's not a realistic option. Heh. Anyway, I guess the short of it is that things are slipping back to the way they were pre-A and that's what has me in a tizzy. We're not getting along, he's shutting down and sticking his head in the sand instead of actually talking to me, I'm feeling lonely and abandoned, he's feeling overwhelmed and put-upon... and on and on.
The solution, sadly, is really easy. It's almost too simple to be real, actually. It's pleasant time spent together. Time where we don't has out issues of the past, or negotiate big issues, or make life changing decisions, or discuss money or in-laws or parenting. We just need time where we enjoy each other's company - and that's it. Like most couples (I assume, anyway) we're so pressed for time in our days that we're always multitasking. I'm cooking dinner while kids are practicing school presentations, he's fussing with finances while he's supposed to be writing reports for work, I'm watching TV while I'm working on folders and other day camp projects (did I mention I took over the day camp director job this year?)
Clearly, we're not making "us" priority, and we need to.
Finances for our family (like most families, I'll assume) are tight and we've had to make some budget cuts. We were going away every single weekend, if only for a full day or a single overnight. We found the money. We cut back in other areas and made "dates" priority.
I guess this is what brought on the revelation, actually. We were discussing finances and he had his brand shiny new budget to show me and I had about half a dozen expenditures he hadn't considered to add to the list and when I mentioned, "You forgot date nights," he flippantly responded with, "Well, I only put essentials - dates aren't essential."
But his Hulu subscription is? Srsly? Dude!
I was crushed. He was confused. See, date nights aren't a "subscription" event. They aren't a set monthly amount. (He forgets to budget for propane, too, since we only end up refilling the tank twice a year.) Because the amount we spend fluctuates. One month when things were really lean, I used the $6 I had to my name to take him to McDonald's for breakfast, for example. The month we went out of town for his birthday, we went to a very pricy restaurant, stayed at a hotel, and did some other site seeing in the area while we were out of town. So I guess he didn't really mean that dates weren't important, he just meant that the amount we spent wasn't important.
Yet, if he doesn't set aside at least some money, then we don't do anything. Because, see, if we don't have money, then he doesn't plan for it. His attitude is, "We're broke, so we just won't go/do anything." To shift some of the blame back on me, I'm the same with time budgeting. If it's not on my calendar, it doesn't happen. We've gone as far as to put "sexy time" on the calendar, even, just to make sure it's not something we overlook.
So, in spite of wanting to murder him several times over the last couple of weeks (almost month?) we managed through. It went far when I broke into tears on Tuesday because he'd had three days off and during that whole time we only spent a single hour together alone - during which he got upset and then spent the rest of the night ignoring me.
He was confused and his perspective was clearly different from mine. "We spent the whole weekend together!" No. Two of the three days off he went into work (yeah, no triggers there, not at all....) Any time we spent together was either with the kids, with the kids and the neighbors who had come to hang out on Sunday night, or running errands (with the kids!) Not exactly "us" time.
"I'm lonely," I sniffled. "I need you. I want you. I MISS you. I want you all to myself for awhile," I explained.
That was apparently the "right" phrasing. Everything else had come across as an attack against him (he said) or had been too opaque for him to understand.
"Tomorrow night let's plan to get away this weekend. Screw the budget, we'll figure it out. We'll do SOMETHING, at least." Then with a smile he kissed me and said, "Put it on your calendar."
And that was exactly what I needed to hear.
For the record, I still think if OW died a lot of issues would be resolved, but no one died, and I suppose that's alright. For now.
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