No One Cares

I went to my therapist today.  Me first then my kids after me.  She asked me how my Thanksgiving was.  It was OK and I asked her about hers and she said it was OK to (not much enthusiasm for either of us).  I said I’d tell her later about it.  But I have an agenda.  I asked her if others come in with an agenda.  Sometimes.  She said I just plan ahead.    I told her Tuesday I want to go next door and buy something but I wanted to try something before but the store is closed today.  So we can go out and walk when I need to go to the bathroom.  It should be soon and I want to do this before my kids get here because I don’t want them to know what we do and I don’t plan on anything happening but if it does I sure don’t want them to know (I’m sure she figured an accident – what else!).    So I started talking about my son.  How as soon as I left last time my phone rang and it was him.  We were trying to get him during the last session.  He was coming back from LA and stayed at a motel the night before with his girlfriend.  He was hesitant to tell me but I don’t care – he’s an adult.  Then I started to talk about his car but soon I needed to go to the bathroom.  I tried a little more – maybe a sentence or two but that’s about it - but said we better go.  So we did.    I told her, walking out, we’d walk around in back once or twice.  She asked me if I’ll use the bathroom downstairs.  I don’t know, it depends.  I asked her to talk – about anything.  So she talked about how beautiful the weather was.  Yes.  She said it’s a good day to rake leaves and she asked me about ours.  We have a truck to pick them up by the curb.  We walked down the stairs and out the back.  She pushed on the door but the back door was locked.  So we went out the front.  First we were going to walk to the side of the building but I said we can walk over to the store and just walk back.  When we got to the store she asked me if we should go back.  I must have said I didn’t care and she told me not to push myself.  So we walked back.  Coming back I think she talked about Thanksgiving but I can’t remember.  It started getting harder.  We approached the building and she said we’ll just go upstairs to her office.  Maybe because no one was there – I don’t know for sure.  I think I said it was getting harder when we walked up the steps.  I don’t know if she heard or not.  She walked ahead of me and at the top she turned and glanced at me for a split second and said, “You can do it.”  We silently went in, I went to the bathroom and she went back to her office.    I went to the bathroom and came back into her office.  She asked me how that was.  OK.  Then she asked me when it started to get harder.  On our parking lot.  She commented like it just did – something.  Yes.  But I didn’t want to talk more about it.  She probably sensed something and asked me if there was anything I wanted to say.  She shook her head yes while I was telling her no.  I don’t want to talk about it, didn’t say, and just went on about a totally different subject.  We talked more about my son and Thanksgiving.  She doesn’t have to know every little accident!  Plus I had black pants on which helped.   I tried to call my son 2 times but he didn’t answer.  I said my one son called him at Thanksgiving and when we were all together we all did on speakerphone.  He was at a friends house eating french toast.  He said he’d call back.  Well he did but also about his car acting up and today he was supposed to buy parts but I haven’t heard from him.  She said we can set limits with him – me and my husband.  My husband doesn’t do anything – I do all the decision making.  She said my son is distant until he needs something.  I said he does do things on his own.    I also said how my daughter didn’t want to even talk to him but I “made” her.  He doesn’t return her calls and I’ve told him about that.  My husband’s family is not close and I hate that.  I told my daughter when I die I’ll be rolling around saying “Stay close!”  I told her and my grandson to say they hope he comes here soon.  But I know my grandson really meant it and they teased me about him hearing me tell him to say that.  I had also talked earlier about the pies were in the oven when I got back on Wednesday, my grandson spent the night which he loved, loved the legos and he’s so good at them and he’s my little angel.  When I got home I left the lid in the car because I didn’t want them to see.    I asked her how she thought that went on Wednesday what we did.  She said she thinks it’s a good start.  I said I think we should try again and put more food into the water.  She said I should just look at it and that’s all and then gradually do more.  Even pictures or fake throw up.  I think she thinks the videos are too hard for me.  I don’t.  I asked her if doing this bothers her.  No.  I told her even if we put food in the water and look at it we’d still have to get rid of it.  Finally … true. She said you keep doing it over and over again so you get to the point you are tired of it and it doesn’t bother you any more.    We talked about my cousin (we should spend Thanksgiving together but we don’t – maybe we’ll explore that some time) seeing my old friend out at a hotel on Thanksgiving.  She’s not aware like me and said she was with a man and a lady but didn’t pay attention.  I said maybe her Mom and her boyfriend.  My cousin didn’t recognize her and this old friend came up to her, very friendly.  She asked how I was and my cousin said fine.  She said she hasn’t talked to me in a while and needs to call me.  My cousin, she said she was good and didn’t say anything – she can be very outspoken – felt like saying ‘now whose fault is that?’  I told her I only talk to her once in a while and that’s fine with me.    My therapist said how she’s glad I’m over that.  I said how I can see how she used me and then grew to hide me.  I don’t like conflicts so I went along with it.  I told her what she did at my house when my Mom died – wouldn’t even talk to me!  That’s just so wrong and she said I was acting like a baby.  She asked me what I would have done differently with the hiding.  I would have not hid and just talked to the people like normal.  But I don’t like conflicts so I didn’t.  She said no one like conflicts but asked if I would do it now?  Maybe – she was like a sister.  I almost started crying so I told her I didn’t want to talk anymore about it.  She was surprised I wouldn’t again.  With her but not with others.  But I’m scared by it and afraid to get close to others because of it.  She said I have to be careful now.  Then she talked about working with sisters and what she tells them.   Speaking of sisters.  I asked her if she’s anticipating her surgery in a good way or does she just want to get it over with.  She said no one wants surgery – she just wants to get it over with.  I asked her if she has to stay at a hospital.  No, over night at an out patient surgery center – kind of like before.  That’s good.  I asked her if her sister, or niece, is coming to help take care of her like last time.  She said no, it’s not as extensive of a surgery.  OK.    Then I went on to say I think I know what’s wrong with my leg.  Another Dr Oz show.  She said he’s good.  I told her some things scare me about germs and things and I don’t watch.  Well, I mostly listen but this got my attention.  The 4 pains we must never ignore because they could be deadly.  The first one was a pain in the calf – just where mine is.  So I can still see the image.  The other 3 were ectopic pregnancies, chest pain and bad headaches like an aneurism or a stroke.    I said how Dr. Oz said it could be Deep, and she finished Vein Thrombosis.  I asked if she knew the difference between that and Phlebitis.  No.  My Mom had Phlebitis at one year older than I have now.  And, I think it’s a family thing.  Sometimes it hurts so bad it’s my neck, back, arms and all the way down my legs.  Maybe it’s a back thing – I don’t know.  I told her I can’t get it checked out now.  I’m way too busy at work.  She said some things you just have to drop and take care of.  She knows I have an appointment but not until the end of the month.  We reversed roles.  She was me and I was myself like I’d be talking to someone else.  Again, I’m fine with others but not with myself.  Once I went back to me again and she got me back on target.  But I don’t think anyone understands.  I told her what a pain it would be to cancel 150 of them.  I can’t.    I had told her if a clot breaks loose I could get a pulmonary embolism and die.  She said she used to work at a rehab center in a hospital and she had to put patients in nursing homes because of things like this.  People my age.  She said, at least for her, the worst is having your mind but not being able to do things.  When we reversed rolls she said I’d say it will go away.  I commented and she said she knows me well and she knew I’d say something like that.  She also said about no one even caring – they take me for granted.  Boy is that true!  She asked me what my husband says.  He’s so laid back – really nothing.  I said about my grandkids.  I said how nothing happened to my Mom (I don’t know what her treatment was – I was 16 and it was after we moved into our one house).  I told her I asked a question on the site I’m on with many different support groups.  She asked me what Dr. Oz would say.  Go right away!  She thinks I should call me doctor Monday morning.  I  have too much to do for another 2 weeks.  I told her about the side effects that could happen with Coumadin.    Fatigue, nausea, loss of appetite, hair loss.  She wasn’t on it, my best friend was, maybe my granddaughter – I don’t know, her Dad was.  I also said how it says to keep drinking and not get dehydrated like that NBC newsman who died of it.    I said how if I didn’t watch Dr Oz I wouldn’t know.  She believes in signs.  She said maybe it’s a sign from my Mom or my best friend who died, or the angels or God.  If I don’t go right away I’ll meet them at the gates and they’ll be mad and tell me they tried to warn me.  I know she wants me to go right away.  I said how some people say their lives were saved by watching because something happened to them days later.  So she cut it a little short and said I come Tuesday at 1 and we’ll see what happens still encouraging me to call Monday.  She scared me – she really did.  And I didn’t feel it in a caring way.  It was like I could die or be permanently damaged and so what!  My fault!    I was leaving and saw the letters sign I made her and told her my grandson wants to see it.  She said to take it out with me.  I did.  They got there so early and rang her bell at least 15 minutes before.  I commented how early they are always.  Also when I was sitting out there, before my time, she called in a Mom.  She actually looked and said hi. Usually I’m invisible.    So I took the sign out there and she came out to get them maybe 5 minutes later.  My grandson wanted to go in and he did at first (she told them to decide) with them then he came back out with me.  When they were done I returned the pen to her that he gave him to write a story about his sand picture (we did).  Looks like she was just closing her door.  I showed her the pen, handed it to her and said, “I’m scared, her name, I’m so scared.”  “About your leg?” she asked.  I nodded yes.  “Then take care of it!” she almost yelled not very nice.  “Yeah right!” I replied back as I then turned around and left.  She doesn’t even care!  I’m so mad!  I have feelings, too and that just crushed them.  It makes me feel more like not calling the doctor on Monday.  Why – no one cares!  She made me feel so bad about the whole thing earlier and she really scared me – she did.  Like I better get it taken care of Monday and then, just like before, in her little box of 1 hour, pushed me off into nothing.  I’m not a kid, or person, that doesn’t care.  I do care and I don’t think she does.  I feel so badly now I don’t know if I’ll go back for a while.  I just don’t know.  I don’t need to feel bad about myself and I’m beginning to feel that way with her for the past maybe 3 times.  What’s going on?   I’ve been very quiet tonight.  Sad.  Mad.  I feel doomed.  I want to call her and leave a message.  I shouldn’t so I’ll write here what I want to say so hopefully then I won’t feel like calling.  And hopefully this whole thing will pass because I do want a good session on Tuesday.  And, she’s going for her reconstruction surgery the next day.  I want it good for her too and, not that she would, I wouldn’t want her to be worried about anything.  But right now I’m still so mad and I don’t know what’s going to happen by Tuesday.  Plus I printed out throw up pictures tonight.  Can you imagine how hard that was.  I tried not to look but you have to so you can see what you are going to print.  Then you have to glance to make sure it came out.  Really, really gross!  That was exposure therapy in itself.  I don’t think she’ll like to look at them.  If she wasn’t grossed out about the throwing water with pieces of cookies in them she sure will be grossed out by these pictures.  I’m not sure about her idea on this one.    I want to tell her that no one cares.  It doesn’t matter anymore – nothing.  I don’t want to drink more anymore.  I don’t want to wait as long as I can anymore.  Nothing works – nothing changes.  I still have all my problems.  I hate myself.  I don’t feel good about anything about myself.  But I doesn’t matter because I don’t have the problem.  I can wait as long as anyone else.  I don’t have accidents.  I don’t wet my bed.  I can drink all I want and wait a very long time before I need to go to the bathroom.  I don’t have any problems.  And who cares anyway – I might die soon.  And no one would care!  No one would miss me (except my little grandkids) and everyone would say it’s my fault anyway.    And now I’m going to have to deal with things on my own when she’s gone with her surgery.  I hate that!  I feel so abandoned.  Usually I just worry about needing her and nothing happens.  But sometimes things do happen.  Then what?  Last time I could call her partner and see how she’s doing.  And she even called me once while she was recuperating.  I hate to ask that again.  I want to be more independent.  I don’t like being like this and I never have been in the past.  What’s wrong with me?  Friends and family dying?  My kids growing up and not needing me?  No outside job?  A husband who’s not really here sometimes?  But the bottom line is I do care.  I wanted to tell her if there’s anything she needs she can always ask me.  But I didn’t because she probably wouldn’t and I wish she would.  I love helping people … that’s my specialty.  I only wish her the best and a speedy recovery.  Now I’m hoping I’ll feel better as time passes and I can move on.  I don’t want to mope around, be quiet, feel badly all weekend until Tuesday.  But right now I still feel like it.  And, who’s to say I’ll feel better on Tuesday when I see her.  Maybe I’ll feel worse.  I feel so badly about her, myself and such.  I don’t want anything to turn out badly.  And, I know I should call the doctor on Monday but I don’t think I will.  Maybe in 2 weeks and not a month.  Maybe.  Please God, please keep me well and healthy.  Thank you.