No more patience
I've had this trauma, 12 years ago and then a few others after that. I don't know exactly, but I guess I haven't experienced a trauma now for 7 years. And still the past destroys my daily life. Why? For how long? How can I get finally - once and for all - get rid of it? I mean I've done it all, tried everything - different therapies, music, sports, art, ...
But no matter what I try, everything just turns to grey and it breaks my heart.
I feel like a zombie...I survived hell, I'm still breathing. I just can't keep fighting, if I don't even know what I'm fighting for. I'm tired of it all, I'm tired of myself. No more anger, just sadness and loneliness. No power, no will, just feel like giving up.
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goals/expectations count. my own healing progress didn't begin until i gave up on rewriting the past and settled for simply healing the injuries of the past. that slight shift in focus/expectations allowed me to better use the tools being offered.
I thought I'd be done rewriting the past, but it comes up even though I don't want it. For example nightmares,...other symptoms.
i started psychotherapy with full trauma induced amnesia. i had blocked memory of my entire childhood, good, bad or indifferent. i couldn't understand why the shrinks kept saying, "amnesia" like it was a bad thing. i thought that forgetting the past would give me a blank slate creating a me of my own choosing.
that was in the early 70's. by the late 80's i was gaining some clues on why the shrinks kept saying "amnesia" like it was a bad thing. is it odd that a recurring flashback of those late 80's was to a plaque which hangs over a german concentration camp turned museum?
“Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it!" (George Santayana-1905).