No longer need a parent
Some of you may know that one of the big stressors in my life recently has been putting my mother in a care facility. She is in the most restrictive portion of the facility, called memory care. She has been there for three months. I dread conversations with her because she almost always asks us (me and my two brothers) to take her home and/or bitches about how the nurses aren't doing their jobs.
I have the good fortune to be be able to see a psychologist from time to time. It costs $100/hour. With our budget I can see him up to 10x/year. Anyway, I spoke with him yesterday and he had some seemingly harsh things to say that really helped me. Regarding stress over my mom's situation he said, "She's not your mother any more. You are a grown man. You don't need a mother. She is simply an elderly person you are trying to give some help to." That may sound harsh to some, but it freed me of the feelings of guilt or worry about whether I was doing the right thing for her. I know that we are doing everything we possibly can. But the word "mother" brings with it a lot of baggage. His admonition that I am a fully grown man and don't need a mother any more really hit home. Whatever your thoughts on this, and whether you agree with his language, I felt a great sense of freedom from his advice. I will still take the very best care of her I can, but I will no longer let her apply guilt because I can't and won't take her home.
I'm feeling wonderful for the third day in a row. I believe it is in no small part due to the new framing described above.
Replies
So glad you were able to receive the message clearly and apply it to your feelings, emotions, and find your peace with the significant change in thought pattern.
That sense of freedom in finding the best solution for the situation and for recognizing the effect our feelings have on our ability to think clearly in coping situations with our elderly parents is a real eye-opening moment.
That lack of guilt for making the proper choices for the individual - provides a positive way to stay connected and to be positive in your response.
The complaining may have worked for her in the past, and now that you are aware of it, you can keep a note pad with general topics available to change the subject as frequently as you need to.
Best wishes.
Good morning,
Glad that you are feeling much better! I am sure that the decision has not been an easy one, but at least you are at peace with the situation. I hope that you will continue to feel better and that as time passes, the situation will become much easier! Keep the faith!
I think he was trying to remove your guilt. It’s time you stepped out of the guilt and whatever else. Some of us were trained successfully in childhood to be codependent or angry or manipulative or name a lot of other things. They don’t serve us well in adulthood although they may have served us well in childhood or been a natural reaction to life at the time. It’s time to move forward as a person who has been freed.
Good job...………………………………..I love what urbangardener replied, it reasonates with me as I have a toxic relationship with my mother, hence why we haven't spoken in over 20 years, it is definitely time to move forward as a person who has been freed.
I love how you are turning things around day by day Russ, you are doing what you need to do, take care
To all those who commented on this journal entry, thank you. You validated my new, much more positive feelings. I was afraid someone would have a negative comment on, "She's not your mother." That was said with a lot of urgency and authority in his voce by the way. I was prepared for negative comments related to that statement but received none.
What was very consistent in your responses was your recognition of the word "freedom" in my journal entry. Thank you for drawing my attention to that word. It has great power in and of itself. I am now free, free from guilt or worry or whatever.
BTW, I saw her yesterday and she was behaving badly, expressing anger at having to stay in the care facility. Her behavior, which would have felt crushing in the past, had little to no impact on me. I had my third great, happy, energetic, freed day yesterday and I am feeling good again this morning. My little icon remains in the most happy, joyous mode. I didn't forget to change it. I simply left it as it was, reflecting how I am feeling.
Thanks to all of you for your support.
Hurrah! So glad you are able to move forward with this significant change.
I will confess I had an initial bad reaction to the comment, she is not your mother any longer. It felt cold and mean. But then I thought about how my MIL and FIL were at the end, the last years. Their dementia getting worse, MIL being angry, combative, seeing things and talking to others only she saw, etc. (My parents died younger of just disease and their brains were not disordered.) My spouse said his parents were no longer there but their bodies were still alive. We did our duty to them as human beings but what he meant was, the parents were no longer capable of having a relationship with him as parent to son, son to parent. We loved them, we were kind, but we also saw our role as deeper, more of care giving rather than loving parent and child. As in the parent could no longer give love in our situation. The other siblings continued to see their parents as "normal" and capable of a real relationship even though the bad dementia robbed them of their reason, knowing how to eat or bathe themselves, knowing the day, etc. The other siblings still sought love, desperate for the love they didn't get in childhood. So the siblings suffered because they kept trying to get love from their mom and dad who became incapable. No one was a bad person in how they approached things, it was just a different way of looking at life and the disease process of dementia. My husband had an excellent therapist who helped him see things more clearly and with acceptance and mostly detachment. Some days were harder. I think your therapist did a good thing in saying what he said.
It's difficult until you have gone through the experience first-hand and seen the effects on family members and friends. When I saw the statement, I knew the doctor was showing how "feelings" affect "emotions" also affecting "thoughts". I went through a grief program before my parent passed and it helped me process the changes I saw.
I'm glad you shared this. It helps me to process the changes I see.
keep up the joyous, happy mode, so great to hear, sending you lots of love and light
Thanks to all of you who replied to my reply (sounds strange). All of your comments mean a lot to me. I appreciate your friendship and support.
It's great that the psychologist has been able to help you.....Big hug....Freedom is surely a wonderful feeling.... The language we use when we talk to ourselves is so important..... xo
Suncloud:
Thanks for your reply. You helped me to remember the power of language. Freedom is a good word indeed. I still have many difficulties with having put my mom in a care facility. Thanks for listening and being encouraging.