No hope

i feel like I'm surrounded by darkness and I'm drowning in it. I'm lost looking for a light, and I never find it. I've been trying for so long to come out of this depression, sometimes I come out of it for a few weeks and I think I'm might be ok. Sometimes even feeling happy scares me and I think I should be back being sad but I don't want the sadness either. I just want to be. I want to be ok with being happy, sad anything. Be normal I guess. 

   I can no longer reach out to family members because they act like I haven't opened up to them. They use my feelings against me. I feel like I don't fit in when I'm around them, I feel so alone. I can't get my mind out of this. I try distracting myself, talking to others, seeing health professions, taking my medication nothing helps. There's nothing to, I'm empty. I feel like I have no options but to end my life, I just want to be free from this.