No grief over here!

Going through the divorce process is certainly painful.  My lawyer wanted proof of ongoing moral abuse, so I was tasked with the job of going through all of our e-mails exchanged since we were married until present – not an easy job.  It re-opened all of the wounds that I had buried so deeply in my brain and locked away to never think about them again.  There were so many small things that I forgot about, yet now I am almost able to see them as an “outsider” and think to myself, what the HELL was I thinking, or NOT THINKING more like it!  How did I let all of these things “slip”? Why did I let him get away with treating me like dirt? Before I met him I was a very independent woman, I considered myself someone who didn’t take crap from anyone – yet I got sucked into this horrible, demeaning, draining relationship.  What happened to me? How did I let my true self slip away?
I’ve been gone for 2 months now, and I haven’t gone through the stages of grief, like AT ALL.  Some days I feel sad, and I have teared up thinking about certain things (mainly the guilt I have for bringing my baby daughter into this mess), but not tears over him or the loss of our relationship.  Honestly, I think I did most of my grieving of this relationship back in May 2013, when H decided to confess his numerous affairs he had while we were apart for the year, while I patiently and faithfully waited for him to get his green card. This revelation absolutely tore me apart, more so than any of the abuse I’ve put up with over the years.  I was convinced I was going to divorce him and move on with my life, but again, I was sucked back into his lies and deception and promises.  Maybe there just comes a point where you’ve had enough that you just don’t care anymore? I know I can say that I haven’t loved him for a very long time, basically since his confession.  I think when he divulged all of his cheating that all of the love, at least what was left of it, left my heart.  I only stayed because I was convinced we could reach the beginning of the relationship love again, yet it never happened.  Pretty much everything in our relationship started to unravel from there.  When I found out I was pregnant, the hope came back, but was very short lived as he became unbearable with his emotional abuse. 
I’ve come to realize that I don’t miss HIM.  I miss the IDEA of him.  An idea of what he COULD be like if he wasn’t an abuser – loving, fun, caring… things which I thought he was, yet it was nothing but show. I miss having that comfort of someone else always being there, but we had grown apart emotionally since the last trimester of my pregnancy and the birth that really, it felt like we were more just close friends or roommates, not husband and wife.  I miss having someone to laugh with and go out with so I don’t feel so alone, but at the end of the day, I’m actually pretty damn happy, and that surprises me.  Aren’t I supposed to be down and depressed about this divorce? Instead I find myself reveling in my newfound freedom. 
I remember watching a show on TV once about wives who have divorce parties and I thought at the time “how tacky is that? didn’t these wives love their husbands? aren’t they supposed to be drowning their sorrows in ice cream?” Now the idea actually strikes me as something completely logical.  Personally, I won’t be having a divorce party, but I have already promised myself a nice dinner celebration once the divorce is final.  How about that for some grief!