No end in sight

i thought after so long i wouldve regained some of my strength, wouldve been more resilient. but having to revisit all that has happened broke me. im not as ok as i thought i was, and that terrifies me. all the shame, guilt and pain came back to me as if it had just happened. when will it be easier? when will having to say his name not send me into the depths of depression and fear. ive tried so hard and been so strong and its as if it was all for nothing. i feel so powerless and such a failure.