No Contact Anxiety

I am feeling a lot of anxiety again today. I am frightened by this severing of the bond between he and I. I know it is the right way and really the only way but I am really hurting.
 
I listen to his hateful voicemail messages and I have my index cards handy but for some reason the racing in my heart is still there. I just have a strong feeling that I want to go home. That I want to go back to the time before I left. Before he allowed drugs and alcohol to ruin him and by extension our family. When my kids were home still and we had home and a dog and a life together. I am very "homesick" for that. This life is very hard and I am getting so weary of fighting this everyday. Weary of positive affirmations. Wearly of countdowns and timers to encourage me to continue no contact. Weary of therapy and talking and thinking. Very weary of crying and crying and f'ing crying all the time. Weary of all the trying.
 
I just want to feel normal. Just for a day.