No Answers & so many Emotions
We met with our new RE again yesterday, hoping that he would have some answers- but none were found. Really it all just comes back to unexplained infertility- Not what I wanted to hear. He wants to do three rounds of Clomid with IUI, but warned us of the low success rates. DH has "super swimmers"- 54 million, however motility is only at 40%, morphology is good though. Dr. said he likes 50% motility, so it is low, but doesn't seem to be worried about that end. He did then casually add that DH has lots of antibodies in his sperm- I asked if this is a major problem, and yes, we learn that he could be killing some of his sperm off. Apparently there is nothing that helps this problem?!?! Frustrating again. The RE gives us a prescription for three months on Clomid and sends us on our merry way with an instruction sheet on when to call them, etc. Adds that after three IUI's he would recommend we move on to IVF. All the while sitting in the RE office listening to him I knew exactly what DH was thinking and as soon as we walked out of the office it was confirmed- He firmly believes that God has a plan for us and it will include a baby, but in HIS time, not ours. He says no to doing any IUIs and we have already discussed that we wouldn't pursue IVF. I then proceed to start crying uncontrollably as DH tries talking to me- but ends up mad at me and admits that he doens't know what to say, and nothing he can say will make me stop crying, so he is going to stop talking. I told him that I don't care how we have a baby- I just want to me a mommy- and he said that I can continue in the adoption process if I want- not sure how we will pay for it, but we know that God is in control and will help us if that is His will. So after about 40 minutes of crying and yelling I was forced to calm down so that we could pick up our 18 month nephew from daycare because he was at our house overnight last night and all day today. Again, God's perfect planning because having Matthew not only brings smiles to my face, but seeing DH with him last night confirms that I don't necessarily need a baby- we just want to be parents and would be okay with a little one Matt's age even. Seeing him sleeping this morning, and watching DH sneak in to kiss him goodbye before he left for work just melts my heart. I do have DH convinced to do 5 more months on Clomid, as that is the number of prescriptions we have of it yet now with the new one intended to go with IUI- we are going to run them and pray- and also contact the adoption agency for a consultation. Also praying that God makes it clear what direction we are to be going in. DH says it is clear signs- there is nothing wrong with me and that is just God showing us that He will bless us with a baby in His time- I say that God is telling us to do the IUI because He may need a little help- I know I sound like I am on crack and am wrong- but I am grasping for something. What did we do to deserve this road?
Replies
You deserve and are worthy of being a Mommy! God sees that and He does have a plan for you. Give it to him (as hard as that is to do)! Trust that whatever happens through the next few months will be OK because your love and faith are guiding it! God\'s word declare that \'he has hope and a good plan for our life\' so trust in that! Stay strong sweetie:)
My heart breaks for you. You are both clearly deeply rooted in your faith - can you speak to your spiritual advisor/priest/pastor?
Is there a reason your DH is so vehemently against medical help? Maybe your seeing an RE IS God\'s way of helping you? I don\'t know? Just asking.
I hope you can both figure this out, Good luck & lots of baby dust.
I am sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time. I believe very strongly that God does have a plan for you and that it includes being a mommy. I wish God would just drop down the game plan so we knew how he intended to make these things happen, but I guess that is where faith comes in. I will pray that God will guide you and your DH in the direction that is right for you and that he will use this to bring you closer together.
The following is my opinion and I share it with the intent of helping. I am not saying that I think this is what you should do, as only you and your DH can decide that. My perspective is based on being both a Christian and a doctor. I believe that God has allowed medical professionals to make the discoveries that we have made, and that he uses us to do His will. When I approached infertility, I approached it from that perspective. You know when I had a really big exam in medical school, I prayed about it but that wasn\'t all I did. I did everything I could to succeed I studied, met with professors with questions, and went to study groups. I don\'t see fertility as any different. I prayed but I also used the resources available knowing that God was the one in control. There is something that I do think you should consider in your discussion about how to proceed. One of the benefits of doing IUI is that the sperm is washed prior to insertion into the uterus. In this washing process antibodies are removed. Given that your husband does have antibodies in his sperm, this process may be beneficial to you. Again, my intent is only to share my perspective and information that will allow you to make an informed decision, I am not telling you what you should do. I will pray for you and your DH as you make these difficult decisions.
God does have a plan for you. Just give Him your problems and frustrations and He will guide you (I know easier said then done as I always struggle with this). You have such an amazing faith and that is something I admire about you. I feel so bad for the pain that you have. I am sending you lots of hugs!