No angel signs
I haven't written in a while. The holidays were brutal. I know that I was no fun to others and looked like a scrooge but I just kept thinking of all the future dreams that I had of spending Christmas together with the whole family including him and a future wife and future kids, and then realizing that all those dreams are gone. This is really real isn't it? Yesterday was 4 months ago that I got that terrible telephone call that he was gone. I think the first several months I was walking around in a daze and it almost feels like it is just now sinking in that nothing will ever feel the same again. It's real and isn't going to change.
Even though I haven't written I read all your journal entries and I read so much about all the "angel signs" that you all get. From day 1 I have prayed and prayed for Jesse to talk to me, come to me, show me a sign, anything. NOTHING! Is it because I'm not believing hard enough? Is it because I'm still so angry and upset that I'm not allowing the messages to come through? Is it because I don't deserve them?
I have always been a very active dreamer at night, so I've hoped that he would come to me in my dreams in a good way. I have had plenty of dreams about him, but not good ones. They are all bad nightmares mostly of him when he was younger. One of him being snatched out of my arms as a baby and someone running off with him and I tried to chase and couldn't catch him. Several of him being kidnapped and I try and try to find him and bring him home and I get close but just can't. Once I did get him back only for the same people to kidnap him again. What is wrong with me?????
Even though I haven't written I read all your journal entries and I read so much about all the "angel signs" that you all get. From day 1 I have prayed and prayed for Jesse to talk to me, come to me, show me a sign, anything. NOTHING! Is it because I'm not believing hard enough? Is it because I'm still so angry and upset that I'm not allowing the messages to come through? Is it because I don't deserve them?
I have always been a very active dreamer at night, so I've hoped that he would come to me in my dreams in a good way. I have had plenty of dreams about him, but not good ones. They are all bad nightmares mostly of him when he was younger. One of him being snatched out of my arms as a baby and someone running off with him and I tried to chase and couldn't catch him. Several of him being kidnapped and I try and try to find him and bring him home and I get close but just can't. Once I did get him back only for the same people to kidnap him again. What is wrong with me?????
Replies
Dearest June... You are in that cocoon of sorrow and I am also a very active and vivid dreamer and all I had for months was a black void. I asked one of my dear friends about this and she said to look at it as a womb type experience and move into the darknessand allow myself to feel held and healed. Once I began to do this my dreams slowly returned yet I rarely dream of my son.
There is nothing wrong with you... These signs that we speak are not just for a \"chosen few\" yet are meant for everyone. Continue to ask for something that only you would understand from Jesse and then do not allow your brain to talk you out of it when it happens. It can be as subtle as a breeze that blows, a song that reminds you of him, finding something of his that you thought was \"lost,\" hearing his name or reading his name when you are having a low moment... the list is endless. What matters is that you are not comparing your insides with anyone\'s outsides and wondering if there is something wrong with you because you have not been able to connect with him in the way that you long to.
Please read Sarah\'s (Hearts and Hands) Journal that she just posted. I have only read a few lines yet it feels like just what we each need to absorb into our selves at this time.
Keep reading, writing and know that where you find yourself today on this path is where you need to BE. Your sorrow is great and this is a tough, long road and none of us should have to be on it, yet we are. I promise that in time it will not always feel like this heavy anvil crushing your heart... It changes slowly and takes time yet none of are meant to live in acute grief for a lifetime. You won\'t my friend either... It will lift and change slowly as you heal and healing is happening even in those moments you doubt with every fiber of your being that it could BE. It is... I trusted what the women told me here on FMO who are a few steps further along on this path and I trusted and hoped.
Loving care to that beautiful mother\'s heart of yours and my hope is that you feel your son, Jesse, holding you in only the way that knew how.
I\'m wtih you...
XO Joanie
In only the way \"HE\" knew how. Sorry for the missing word as often my fingers get going too fast. I just read Sarah\'s (Hearts and Hands) journal and it\'s a keeper. Hope you will read it too and see what you glean from it.
Gentle hugs of understanding dear June this day and in the ones ahead.
XO Joanie
I don\'t do a lot of posting here but it helps me to read the journals and this morning I logged on and read yours. My heart just breaks for you this morning. I wish I could just reach out and give you a hug. Your grief is so raw and I can just feel your pain. We all know those feelings that you are having. I dream sometimes about Jeff and it is a Great feeling but then sometimes even after this long of a time I get so mad all over again. Just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts this morning. Hoping for you some peace.
Nell (Jeff\'s Mom) in Georgia
Hello my beautiful and heart broken friend. My heart aches with you for those special knowing moments that Jesse is near. I do not dream of Kala, but I do communicate with her, and she with me often. I\'m not special. Kala isn\'t special. We\'ve just figured out what works for us. To the \"outside\" world, our talks (signs, etc.) are poppycock....made up wishes to soothe a mothers soul. I can live with that. My only proof is how it makes me feel to believe my child is speaking to me......through a license plate I read, or the label on a bottle of wine, or the shape I see in a cloud, or a red bird or a blue bird or a purple polka dotted bird! Everything I see, smell, taste, touch, hear, that reminds me of Kala...that brings a smile to my face....that lightens my heart if only for a moment....is a gift from my child to me. I believe once I started allowing myself to believe (whether real or imagined) that Kala was talking to me, the more REAL the communications became.
I look for her...and I EXPECT to find her everywhere. And I thank her....before I \"see\" her and afterwards. I always tell her don\'t be shy (like she ever could be!!) and if need be hit me over the head with a great big in my face HI MOM. She does sometimes. Like the on the first angel date when my husband and I escaped to Hawaii for two weeks. We landed, pulled out of the parking lot and onto KALA RD!!! Now that was big...HUGE. But often, more often than not, it\'s simple everyday things....like rushing through the store only to be stopped cold by a pair of pink sunglasses that fell on the floor in front of me.....or seeing a butterfly flitter by and just feel that sweet essence of Kala lingering near. Most of the time, we talk in my head. Now, I know how that sounds, but it\'s true. I talk to her out loud, but mostly I talk to her in my thoughts and just as smoothly and naturally as I think my side of the conversation, I think her side as well. NO, it\'s not me...I know better....truly it IS Kala talking back. No one has to believe this but me....because it\'s not for the world, it\'s for me. This comforts me and brings peace to my heart. Bottom line, it doesn\'t matter if it\'s real or if I\'m fooling myself....believing that Kala talks to me is what is getting me through each day. Without that, I would be so lost. So, at the end of my experience, when I cross into the infinite light, if Kala stands before me and says mom, I never once spoke to you, I\'ll say, Thank you great Spirit for allowing me to believe she did, I made it through.
I would venture to say Jesse IS talking to you and showing up. I think they work just as hard, if not harder, trying to figure out how to get our attention as we do in trying to figure out their signs and messages! And it always amazes and inspires me to hear how very uniquely the kids show up! Each personality seems to shine in the ways they choose to communicate. So, I\'d start there....ASK Jesse how he\'s trying to reach you...tell him you need help SEEing him, HEARing him. And thank him for his efforts and tell him to keep trying that you will get it figured out. Never give up! Think about his personality, his likes and dislikes....he\'s still the same and will use his natural way of being with you to talk to you. A favorite movie or ice cream flavor or joke or shirt...something will \"stick out\" one day and you\'ll say, \"I wonder if that\'s Jesse\".....YES!
Keep listening, keep looking, and most importantly keep expecting!
And I just wrote about my sign,,,,,,I look for things,,,little things,,,and I, like Teri just believe it is my sign,,,others might think I\'m silly, whatever,,it doesn\'t matter,,,it\'s that penny on the sidewalk,,, a feather. a song,,,keep talking to Jesse,,he will answer..love ya!
Dear friend ~ just thought I would let you know that I have never had a sign either. I lost both of my sons over 4 years ago & I have dreamed about them a few times. I\'ve read about several moms here who have experienced signs & the comfort it brings them. I think each mom experiences what feels comfortable to them. It breaks my heart to hear you ask if maybe you are not believing hard enough, not allowing them to come in or wondering if you don\'t deserve it. You are a grieving mom who is missing her son desperately. Be gentle with yourself dear friend, you will find your own way to be connected with your son. You are not alone on this journey of grief, we are here with you & for you. Lots of caring hugs......Vicki
There is nothing wrong with you...it is different for each person...when or if they get signs. Your dreams have a common thread...your son being taken away. And he has been. Your subconscious mind may be trying to reconcile this loss. I am convinced that it is the worst sorrow ever and it takes a long time to begin to feel things like you used to. But I do want you to know that you will feel happiness again. You are riding the roller coaster right now so try to be as gentle on yourself as you can. Live and hugs...Karen
It\'s been almost six years for me and I can probably count on one hand how many signs I\'ve received that I know for sure we real signs. There have been some coincindences and perhaps they were signsand I\'d like to think they are but who really knows. Some mothers are really in tune with their child. It is different for each of us. I do know our children are still with us and just doing the things we do when we leave this earthly life. I have also only had two dreams, one not good and the other brief with only seeing my sons face with a smile. I do know with all my heart that we will see our children again. Be patient and please don\'t be hard on yourself. You are still grieving and trying to navigate this new life. Here for you. Much love. Robin
I am still looking and waiting for Jenn to visit me... I think she\'s too busy watching over her kids to worry about me...trust me they are keeping her and my hands busy...LOL...
I think the secret is being open to the small things around us...
O HOW MY HEART HURTS WITH YOU, I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL AND YOUR RIGHT THINGS WILL NEVER BE THE SAME IT BEEN 8 YEARS FOR ME AND I HURT EVERY DAY ,MY LIFE HAS CHANGED AND WILL NEVER BE THE SAME , THE HOLIDAYS MEAN NOTHING AND THE ONLY THING I WANT IS ONE MORE DAY WITH MY DENISE, WE ALL HERE GO THOUGH THE SAME THING JUST AT DIFFERENT TIMES, I DID GET SIGNS IN THE FIRST YEAR BUT NOT FOR A LONG TIME, I DO DREAM SOME TIMES ABOUT HER SOME GOOD SOME BAD. I THOUGHT I WOULD NEVER SMILE AGAIN BUT NOW I CAN ,I THOUGHT I COULD NEVER THINK OF HER WITH OUT CRYING BUT NOW I CAN, I STILL DO NOT HAVE PICTURES UP THAT STILL MAKES ME CRY ,THE PAIN AND LONGING FOR WHAT IS GONE, I DO HAVE HER CHILDREN AND NOW SHE HAS 4 GRAND CHILDREN SHE WILL NEVER SEE, AND THAT SO HARD FOR ME, NOTHING IN THIS WORLD CAN TAKE HER [PLACE SHE WAS MY BEST FRIEND, I AM HERE FOR YOU I LOVE TO TALK ABOUT OUR CHILDREN, WERE SO AFRAID THERE BE FOR GOTTEN AND I FEEL I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS OF HER EVERY DAY, SO MESSAGE ME ANY TIME, GOD BLESS YOU AND KEEP YOU SAFE, COMFORTING HUGS, SHIRLEY (MOM OF DENISE)