Nighttime Ramblings and Venting
I think I'm stuck in a catch 22 and I don't know how to get myself outta this one. The oxazepam works pretty for helping me get a good amount of sleep and stay on a normal schedule but I think it's contributing to the anxiety and depression. The stupidest things are upsetting me...and I'm crying over nothing at various times throughout the day. I don't know what to do...right now I don't feel like I can handle myself if I'm not getting a good sleep...but the med that's helping that is making me feel like a wreck during the day. I'm pretty much outta options for sleep meds because I can't use any other class of medication due to the issues I have with the low white blood cell count. I know I have to talk to my psychiatrist about this sooner rather than later....thing is...how to get by safely until then. I'm not at the point that I'd need to be in hospital...I'm still safe being home...and much prefer being home...but am getting frustrated quickly and having increasing thoughts of self harm and just feeling in general like giving up. I was trying to sleep just a little bit ago...but I'm not quite tired enough I guess and still deal with the initial insomnia...so the more I'm trying to wind down and relax the more my brain is going into overdrive and winding me up and upsetting me. I tried the deep breathing relaxation techniques I've learned...but I am having a hard time focusing on them more then 2-3 cycles. So figured I'd fire up the computer and vent it out here. Maybe typing it out will get it outta my head long enough so I can dose off. Other then all the issues I mentioned above I'm doing okay. I didn't need a nap today to get away from myself like the last two days and I did walk to the mall (in the cold) to get some errands done that I needed to do. I made a list of things I needed and stuck to that list except for $3 I spend at the dollar store for paint and canvas to paint on...I have been thinking about picking up some the last few weeks. I took a break from the computer today and read part of a book. Remember Me? by Sophie Kinsella, the author of the Shopaholic books. I painted my nails. I officially transfered the money my parents gave me to pay off my other credit card out of my bank account...although I accidently transferred too much money so now the bank owes me money! There's a first. LOL. So once I get that last bit straightened out I will cancel that card and will be out of credit card debt! I can't wait to shred that card! Then I just have to start paying my parents. I was already talking to my mom about it and she's like...well..wait until after you see a dentist to start paying us back. Ughh. She never lets me pay back anything and it frustrated me to no end because I know they don't have a lot of money. They're doing this to help me out but it's making it tougher on them...but they won't hear anything of it yet...and I do need to see the dentist. But I WILL be paying them every month as soon as I possibly can and as soon as they let me. It's nice to know I'm going to have a bit of flexibility in that area. I've still got to be careful with my money but I am out of the vicious cycle. Tomorrow someone is maybe buying one of the items I put up for sale. Praying that the person follows though and buys my item and gives me at least close to my asking price. I have to meet them across the street at Tim Horton's so I figure if they do buy it I will treat myself to a coffee or hot chocolate from there. I don't very often because it's cheaper to make coffee/hot chocolate at home...but it would be a nice treat. The lights across the street are shining really brightly...stupid security lights that are at the gas station and all the other electronic/digital things they have now...the pumps have screens that stay lit up bright and now the sign that has the gas price also lights up...so it really doesn't get very dark in here even with the curtains closed. Just one more thing to frustrate me at night. Anyway...going to lay down...the light is less noticeable when I'm laying down....now to figure out which way my body will prefer to sleep...most nights I have to have my head at the foot of the bed...but once in awhile I have to switch it up. I think tonight might be one of those nights. I want to read more but that'll wake me up too much so I'll have to wait until tomorrow for that. I keep thinking tomorrow is Monday...nope, it's Sunday. I might try to go to an evening service tomorrow night. I think it would do me some good.