Nightmares are back

I have talk with Al and we are in a standstill, he wants to get married and he feels a year is time enough...and he is right...but I am just not ready...which is weird because I tought I was doing so well.
We are in a weird place right now.  He did said he is willing to wait...but he is hurt. And I don't know how long he will be willing to wait.  My head is not in getting married right now.  So deep inside I know that I might loose him. 
I hardly could sleep last night, mostly nightmares, flashbacks, my ex hands on my neck choking me...just when I thought I was over the worst part...I don't know what triggered this.  
Guess when one has been in to hell, hell will come back and try to take you down every now and then.  I am so tired today...