Night time is the worse time...
So much to improve on. My mood is fair; not good but not bad - just on the fence; not hanging my hat on anything. I want to reside more in the external world and less in my own mind; I don't know how to make that happen. The phases within my depression have migrated from sadness & despair to anger & frustration; and if my mood swings to horrible again, I will probably destroy everything around me before turning on myself:
Depression has waged war on my life, using my own rage as it's knife..
I've been trying to lose myself in my work, reading, working out, listening to music, and spending time with my son; residual time is spent watching tv sports (baseball, football, etc.) - anything to keep the bad thoughts at bay. It's my defense against depression's gorilla war-like tactics.
Night-time, however, continues to be the biggest challenge. This is when all the bad, dark thoughts awaken from their slumper using my mind as it's playground, when I am physically & mentally sedentary; these thoughts are like kids at recess, running randomly and freely as if they've escaped from their confinement; or like hound dogs being let free to track their master's prey. My dark thoughts fnially catch-up with me during this nocturnal setting, holding me captive; the night's silence allows these thoughts full access to my auditory senses; I get so restless I don't know what to do; covering my ears doesn't work. I've gotten up, taken a walk outside around the block as if I'm getting away, tried reading, watching tv, but I know I have to get some 'shut-eye'. If I don't, I will not be motivated or have the strength to get thru the up-coming day. I want to (at will) reach a state of nocturnal comatoseness; by mastering deep meditation or self-hypnosis...and at least win this battle against depression...
Depression has waged war on my life, using my own rage as it's knife..
I've been trying to lose myself in my work, reading, working out, listening to music, and spending time with my son; residual time is spent watching tv sports (baseball, football, etc.) - anything to keep the bad thoughts at bay. It's my defense against depression's gorilla war-like tactics.
Night-time, however, continues to be the biggest challenge. This is when all the bad, dark thoughts awaken from their slumper using my mind as it's playground, when I am physically & mentally sedentary; these thoughts are like kids at recess, running randomly and freely as if they've escaped from their confinement; or like hound dogs being let free to track their master's prey. My dark thoughts fnially catch-up with me during this nocturnal setting, holding me captive; the night's silence allows these thoughts full access to my auditory senses; I get so restless I don't know what to do; covering my ears doesn't work. I've gotten up, taken a walk outside around the block as if I'm getting away, tried reading, watching tv, but I know I have to get some 'shut-eye'. If I don't, I will not be motivated or have the strength to get thru the up-coming day. I want to (at will) reach a state of nocturnal comatoseness; by mastering deep meditation or self-hypnosis...and at least win this battle against depression...
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