Night Terror

It's 2:17 in the morning right now. I just woke up about 20 minutes ago. I had this horrible dream about... I don't know what about. I was trying to fall asleep and my legs were moving like they had their own mind, like all over the place and I couldn't control them. Then I fell asleep (in my dream.. it gets more complicated from here) and I was having a dream that I don't remember. It was a scary dream, that's all I remember. I wake up from that dream-dream half asleep. I try and get help since I'm scared out of my mind. I whisper out loud for help, and someone next to me answers. She says I'm in an ALF and that I had asked for help like this before. I'm scared because I can't control my body, like it has a mind of it's own. So I walk out into the hallway (I was in an ALF of some sorts) and call for a nurse. This guy comes and tells me that there's nobody on duty, but this other man is there and he takes me to a room. He says that I've been there before, and in my dream (not the dream-dream) I knew I had seen him before, that I had this dream before. I forget now what he was saying, but it was just comforting to be around him. The dream had to do with my diet, too.. something about it on Facebook was triggering me. I even went on Facebook (in my dream) and posted in my diet group about wanting to see the pictures and stuff, but not "X". I don't remember what X was.

I think this is a triggered-dream. I looked up Tony on Facebook last night- NOT that I wanted to talk to him. No way in fucking hell! I wanted to block him. I tried to see if there was one who was friends with David, but there wasn't so I stopped. This girl on FB last night was saying how she was raped by someone years ago and he just tried to contact her through Facebook, so I wanted to block Tony so he couldn't find me. I didn't see him, I didn't see his face or anything, but I think that triggered this dream. I don't know why I feel so split... I know I don't have DID (multiple personalities), both my psych and therapist agree (and me too), but I still feel like I need to be in the hospital. I would be there right now, almost, but I want to go to the bonfire tonight. Depending on how I feel when I get up later today (I'm scared, but I do have to go back to sleep) I might call my insurance to see if the hospital I go to is covered. I'm also going to call my therapist's office to try and see her sooner than Saturday. I just feel like this is a major crisis.

Some people may think this is just a dream, to calm down. I've had night terrors before, but never about my own health. They were about other horrible events- and the 3 of the night terrors I remember having all came true. One was about the Columbia explosion in 2002 (or sometime around there), then another one right after about an earthquake in Mexico, then another about Hurricane Katrina. I couldn't have predicted any of these things, yet days before I found out anything about them (the Katrina dream came about 2 days before the storm was even formed, so I didn't know what to think) I had these night terrors. The fact that this one is about my own health makes me feel more in control. When I've had these dreams in the past it's not the main thing (in this dream, the DID thing, being in an ALF with 2 people in my head) but something else, that comes true (metal falling from the sky [Columbia], a tsunami [earthquake off the coast], and a storm surge [Katrina]) so I'm trying to remember everything I can about the dream. The man in my dreams (not of my dreams, lol.. I still have a sense of humor) seems to be the key. I've never seen him anywhere outside of this dream (even though in my dream I felt I had seen him in a dream before) so I don't know why. He was just so nice.

I think that if I do end up in the hosptial because of this dream, I won't see this dream as a predictor of the hospital, but as a cataylist. I know my night terrors have come true, but those weren't under my control. I can control going to the hospital. Unless it's something like a car crash where I end up in the regular hospital. When I say hospital in my journals I mean the mental hospital. I really hope it's not the medical hospital. This could mean a car crash or something. If I think too much about it, I won't go anywhere and just lock myself up at home. Right now, that feels safe, but that's not a good thing to do. I can't lock myself up at home forever. I already fight so much paranoia that I don't need to add to it.

I think I've calmed down a bit... I'm drinking chamomille tea and listening to calm music... I just need to relax so I can fall back asleep, as scary as that sounds right now.