Newcomer

Um hi I guess this is my first journal. Honestly I just googled for a forum for stressed college kids and here I am. Well I don't really like any of the anon stuff so I'll introduce myself. I'm Sam, an almost 20 year old in community college just getting a general two year degree.  I'm am female but that doesn't really matter in the long run I guess. The reason why I joined was because everything got overwhelming and it just is suffocating. Not college getting overwhelming on the sense of holy s*** I didn't expect this to be this much work but in the sense that I don't understand how people expect American kids to grow up alright. My life kinda sucked I get it, parents can only do so much but school was always said to be teaching you how to live as an adult. We were taught math to be able to pay for things and give accurate information. English was told to prepair you for communicating and getting your voice heard. But no one helped me learn how to spend my time wisely or be productive. I'm just lost. I graduated a b honor roll because I finally was given access to a study hall and no longer had to do homework at home. For some reason I have never been able to do that part of life I couldn't sit at a table in my home and do home work and ask questions to my parents for help I just felt dumb that I couldn't answer the question. In elementary school I only was able to understand anything through tutoring. I remember my old elementary school green street where the tutoring was held in a small room of the cafeteria it was like a storage room but it was a place I could ask questions and get informed on how to answer the questions not just being told by your older sibling that they found those problems easy. Before middle school my dad passed away and I moved in with my mom. I know she tried but I just got in the grove of ignoring everything till last minute because I couldn't get any help or reminded that I should be doing anything. No you have a project due in two weeks what are you gonna do it over or even a have you done your home work  if do let me see it. There was no structure and I was left learning bad habits. I moved in with my grandparents and fixed some of my bad habits by finding ways of being able to keep my normal schedule out side of school and it worked great for things like math and vocab, homework papers, assigned reading but I know when things like essays and studying came up I just didn't know what to do and always brought back those bad habits that got me so far before. Now I'm in college and I'm known for being the "responsible one" with my family and friends so the suggested online courses so I wouldn't need to drive all the time and I realized soon that that wasn't the way I could learn. Relying on myself to get things done isn't something I know how to do. Every schedual I live by is made by other people. Now I'm living almost on my own, with a job at a grocery store where no matter how you ask to be scheduled they will end up messing it up some how. The holidays coming up and finals here and today I looked at my computer to schedual my math exam and realized I hadn't done any English work sense before thanksgiving. Don't get me wrong I knew I sucked in that class and in the math class as well, I even scheduled to re take both classes in a class room next semester but seeing such a low grade and all those zeros felt horrible and it just led me to want to cry so I called by best friend who has her own college problems only to get nothing and I don't know what i was looking for. She let me rant and cry and let it out but that didn't change how horrible I feel for wasting this man's time that he took to grade papers only yo just put a zero in. God I feel just like crawling away and dying. I found this place hoping someone could help me learn how to schedual my time or just give some sort of feeling of being less lonely then I feel. I feel even worse for feeling so bad about myself that I just sat in my room all day after I got home I tried to clean my room to help but it just made me feel bad about using so much laundry detergent on washing blankets and sheets. I left my grandma Lou alone in the living room all day except when eating, taking the dogs out or switching the laundry. And I've been putting of either giving my class schedual to my boss or finding a new job. I don't know any more. Sam.