New Years Eve
i have a massage at 2:00 pm, treating myself, i never denied myself back in the dark days, i used to just add to the credit card debt, and my extra cash came from expense reports through many trips for work, and i should have used for paying the cc bill but i used for gambling, god only knows how i made it, managed to keep a good credit rating/score, paid the bills, minimum, but paid, not alot of finance charges, but alot of shifting of debt, many stories stick out in my head
i was at a casino and going back to the atm yet again (and this was two days before going to vegas) in my F()* up mind, i said "go to a local casino - get the itch out and then you wont go so nuts in vegas)
lets just resonate on that sentence for a while, I'm a different sort of gambler... i can gamble, and break for dinner, bathroom, even a show or shopping, i never went in to the point of almost no return, i hear people speak about gambling non stop for days...2-3 days straight, that type of addiction i was fortunate enough to avoid, in my sick head, i kept my life level/manageable on the surface, but it was about to implode, not sure what is worse, anyway i was a fraud in many senses
so 2014 was filled w/alot of mess, sadness, frustration, dire straights, and for all my prayers and seeking for help, i managed on 8/27 to stop the insanity, and it was in vegas, (i'll tell that story another time)
the vegas airport was my last bet, i saw the really old brochure yet again "when the fun stops" so 70's style, ha, message the same though, i took it, have it, it sits on my dresser, i dont know yet if i need more road blocks, my life is happy now, and im fortunate by the grace of god i did a 180, its a weird view this side of the addiction, as a very together person, its hard for me to grasp I cant do something again, with the most severe circumstances i can make peace w/it, like my abusive ex boyfriend, who i can NEVER be around again, no matter what, it would end in utter disaster, so thats where gambling fits for me, i hope to god, i'm strong enough for years and years to come, although 4 mths is great, and i can see clearly now, i wonder ....but im ok today
Happy New Years everyone....xxooo
i was at a casino and going back to the atm yet again (and this was two days before going to vegas) in my F()* up mind, i said "go to a local casino - get the itch out and then you wont go so nuts in vegas)
lets just resonate on that sentence for a while, I'm a different sort of gambler... i can gamble, and break for dinner, bathroom, even a show or shopping, i never went in to the point of almost no return, i hear people speak about gambling non stop for days...2-3 days straight, that type of addiction i was fortunate enough to avoid, in my sick head, i kept my life level/manageable on the surface, but it was about to implode, not sure what is worse, anyway i was a fraud in many senses
so 2014 was filled w/alot of mess, sadness, frustration, dire straights, and for all my prayers and seeking for help, i managed on 8/27 to stop the insanity, and it was in vegas, (i'll tell that story another time)
the vegas airport was my last bet, i saw the really old brochure yet again "when the fun stops" so 70's style, ha, message the same though, i took it, have it, it sits on my dresser, i dont know yet if i need more road blocks, my life is happy now, and im fortunate by the grace of god i did a 180, its a weird view this side of the addiction, as a very together person, its hard for me to grasp I cant do something again, with the most severe circumstances i can make peace w/it, like my abusive ex boyfriend, who i can NEVER be around again, no matter what, it would end in utter disaster, so thats where gambling fits for me, i hope to god, i'm strong enough for years and years to come, although 4 mths is great, and i can see clearly now, i wonder ....but im ok today
Happy New Years everyone....xxooo
Replies
4 months is fantastic! Don\'t think of it as \'forever\', that\'s when our brains rebel.
All we have is today, and that\'s all we need to worry about.
Happy New Year! Hugs, ~Estel