New understandings
I have not journaled in a very long time. We are 8.5 mos post DDAY. One thing I love is that I am constantly feeling progress in my/our healing and restoration. It is a very long hard process but I am appreciating the opportunity to improve myself. It is kind of like when company is coming and it finally gives you the motivation to do work that you have been putting off. We are motivated now to improve our marriage and I am motivated to work on myself and try to understand my core issues that led to my A's and to rebuild myself into a better person.
I had a day not too long ago when I dove very deeply into myself to really try to get to my core issues. I was working but I was alone in the house I was cleaning. I was praying and crying and looking at myself very hard and in a new way. Asking God to show me the things that must change and be worked on. asking him to touch even the parts that I have been hiding and protecting. The parts that hurt when they get touched.
I had already come to understand about my insecurity and my search for attention and affirmation and acceptance. All issues carried over from my childhood. But I came to some new understandings as well.
Fantasizing- a lifelong habit, something I thought I would never give up and now I have been doing just that.
Self indulgence- responsible for many issues such as the weight struggles I have had, the spiritual anemia, the messy house, (funny for a professional housekeeper, eh?) and definitely played a role in the A's. Once I began to want it, I tried but failed to tell myself no and stick to it.
Self discipline- pretty much the same thing as self-indulgence but getting more self-discipline is definitely something I gotta work on. Even to lose my weight I simply found a way to bypass self-discipline by using hyno-therapy to make myself WANT to do what i already knew I should.
Those are some of the things that came to me that day. I am staying open to understanding and working on my issues as God sees fit to impress them on me. I do have to look closely at myself quite a lot since I have to go to frequent confession as part of my spiritual disciplines. I do not mind the frequent confessions because it has been very very good for me. Especially since we could only afford 8 sessions of MC. We quite MC just before I began to really face what I had done in earnest and went through depression and deep despair. It was such a hard and painful time and I cried so much. I have moved through that although it still drops in for a visit sometimes.
I still cry a lot but it is not from despair any more. It is usually because I am working out my issues or praying. I know I still have progress yet to be made. I have not even been allowed to take communion again yet. My priest will decide when it is time. I am comfortable with that. I think I will always be under close supervision by my priest. I will always have to be diligent with myself. Many of the changes and safeguards I have put into place will need to be permanent. I will have to be like an addict in that I should never consider myself cured but always consider myself high risk and keep my guard up and be "over the top" cautious.
enough for tonight perhaps. There is more to say but perhaps I could journal more often? Lol
I had a day not too long ago when I dove very deeply into myself to really try to get to my core issues. I was working but I was alone in the house I was cleaning. I was praying and crying and looking at myself very hard and in a new way. Asking God to show me the things that must change and be worked on. asking him to touch even the parts that I have been hiding and protecting. The parts that hurt when they get touched.
I had already come to understand about my insecurity and my search for attention and affirmation and acceptance. All issues carried over from my childhood. But I came to some new understandings as well.
Fantasizing- a lifelong habit, something I thought I would never give up and now I have been doing just that.
Self indulgence- responsible for many issues such as the weight struggles I have had, the spiritual anemia, the messy house, (funny for a professional housekeeper, eh?) and definitely played a role in the A's. Once I began to want it, I tried but failed to tell myself no and stick to it.
Self discipline- pretty much the same thing as self-indulgence but getting more self-discipline is definitely something I gotta work on. Even to lose my weight I simply found a way to bypass self-discipline by using hyno-therapy to make myself WANT to do what i already knew I should.
Those are some of the things that came to me that day. I am staying open to understanding and working on my issues as God sees fit to impress them on me. I do have to look closely at myself quite a lot since I have to go to frequent confession as part of my spiritual disciplines. I do not mind the frequent confessions because it has been very very good for me. Especially since we could only afford 8 sessions of MC. We quite MC just before I began to really face what I had done in earnest and went through depression and deep despair. It was such a hard and painful time and I cried so much. I have moved through that although it still drops in for a visit sometimes.
I still cry a lot but it is not from despair any more. It is usually because I am working out my issues or praying. I know I still have progress yet to be made. I have not even been allowed to take communion again yet. My priest will decide when it is time. I am comfortable with that. I think I will always be under close supervision by my priest. I will always have to be diligent with myself. Many of the changes and safeguards I have put into place will need to be permanent. I will have to be like an addict in that I should never consider myself cured but always consider myself high risk and keep my guard up and be "over the top" cautious.
enough for tonight perhaps. There is more to say but perhaps I could journal more often? Lol
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