New things

Dear Diary,

I have been doing well with taking my medications everyday and doing my best to control my schizoeffective. Sometimes it's still difficult though because of the fact that it is a mixture of a lot of different mental illnesses. Which are bipolar, depression. I also have adhd and I have come to the realization that I will always have to take mental medications because with out them I am a total mess I can not live a normal life to be boldly honest with myself. I work at the Dollar Tree and I am going to college in the fall, which I am excited about to get my life together. I love my job though. But honestly at night is the hardest for me. Sometimes when I'm alone I get very depressed because I feel like I'm alone with only my mom. Because most of my friends are not near by. I talk to them but sometimes I want a friend near me to do simple fun outing with like go shopping, out to eat and maybe just talk about life and laugh. I love to laugh. I have this site to help me deal with my feelings of loneliness. That's one of my main issues right now. I feel like when am I going to have a social life that I desire. But it takes time for things to change. I love being by myself. But sometimes I"d enjoy someones company. I really have thought about some of the things I truely want for myself. I really want to learn all of my japanese, learn spanish, and korean. And I want to have japanese friends and get a japanese husband who is handsome and is a guy that is right for me. I want children and maybe to adopt children. I want my career and to just enjoy life and travel the world. I love culture and language that's why I definately want a japanese baby because I love the culture. I"m so in love with it. IT's my language. I wanted to study tonight but honestly it would be of no use because I am too tired. I am writing this to get everything out of my head because I have racing thoughts at night. I do want a japanese husband that only speaks japanese so I can be the one to talk to him in japanese. I think that's soo cool to be honest with you. I also want someone who is fun because I love to laugh and have a good time. I think that through the Lord I can accomplish my dreams. It is just going to take some time, that's all. I think of when I finally have my own place and career and I start dating my husband and get married and when I get pregnant with my first baby. How exciting that will be. But for now I want to do things to better myself. First things first I have to lose weight. I've gotten to big and I do not want to  get any bigger. Also I also want to grow my curly hair long and thick and beautiful. I also want to have a social life with good friends, and I also want to end my loneliness. I also want to focus on myself and get a hair dresser that will be where I am going to be at for school to do my hair and a reasonable price so i can get my hair done. I want to do things to make me happy.That's the number one goal I have is to be happy. Meaning doing positive activities to make me feel good about myself and my life. I'm starting to get sleepy. BUt I'd love to be able to not stress over people or college and just take it one day at a time. 

Hopefully this journaling and reaching out to people will help me.