New Start...sorta

In some ways I keep making the same mistakes. The last couple of days have been heavily school oriented. I didn't go to class last night though and I'm apprehensive...oh, alright, I'm afraid to email my professor about it. I did have a flat tire, but it happened in the morning. Mostly I was just tired and feeling sick and it's a long drive and was really hot yesterday. Not the best reasons to blow off class. And the night before I only finished half of my assignment for another class. It was due by midnight but I couldn't get my thoughts together. Nothing I wrote was coherent or cohesive. I guess all I can do is try better for next week, but I do feel a bit of a failure because of it. I had my first meeting with my new counsellor tonight. She's really forceful, but not in a bad way. I get the feeling that my therapy sessions with her won't be a walk in the park. That's good. A little intimidating, but I do want to be stable for longer periods of time and I think this'll help.  I'm supposed to make a list of goals for next week's session. I don't know how I feel about that. I had so many plans and dreams at one point and then they all just faded away with my hope for a better future with a loving and supportive partner. I don't think I'm hung up on my ex anymore, more like I'm hung up on what my ex represents...a future planned with family and love and success on a personal and professional level. We talked about kids and a house with a large veranda, and growing old together and then that just went up in smoke.  I've tried making lists of goals before and either don't get very far, or craft really massive elaborate plans that I fail to enact which leaves me feeling like shit. I'm going to work on this list she wants over the weekend though and see what comes of it.  I feel like I've been through the wringer in the last few days though I haven't done all that much. I'm really tired and already stressing about the school situation. I need not to fail at this.  I spoke to my best friend as well, which was really emotionally taxing. We're in such different places these days. Her house burned down a few months ago and her cat, her constant companion of the last 7 years died of smoke inhalation. I sent her a box (two actually) a couple of days ago with gifts I've been collecting for her for at least a year. They're way overdue for Christmas and her birthday, but oh well. I also dug up my old camera and found the roll of film I took for her wedding and there was a picture of Xochil, her cat, so I went and bought a nice frame for it and the picture of her mom and grandfather and sent them to her as well. We talked about her cat, about losing things in fire, about the job market and how her husband is having a hard time finding a position...it was bittersweet. I wish I could connect with people as i once did. I've lost my social skills. I'm going to try and go to church this Sunday, it's a social outlet, and maybe meet some new people, get involved politically and socially again. We'll see, the intention is there, but is the motivation? It's nearly a two hour drive to the city, and it's the only church of its kind in the area (Universalist Unitarian).  For now though, I think I'm just going to go to sleep. I'm tired. Not depressed, just tired. I guess on the whole though I did, and felt, okay today.