New phases/new steps
A couple of things have happened recently that I want to journal about.
The first is that Cole responded to someone's journal entry about a week ago. He said that he feels like the A's took away his life and left him with nothing. When I read that it was one of those moments when your heart just sinks. It was a shake up moment and I saw on a deeper clearer level the damage done to him. It threw me back into a deeper sadness and remorse and I didn't get to talk about it with him for almost 24 hrs. I actually read that at a time when I was distracted and busy and the full impact of it really hit me the next day while I was working. That is my "think about it, work through it" time. I am still feeling the pain/sadness of this deeper level of really "getting it."
I know the context of the statement is because of the slight depression he is in which is making it hard to get anything done and has taken away his passion for the things he used to be passionate about. Especially his writing. There is really nothing more I can do than I already am doing except pray for him more and continue to be loving and supportive and work on myself. I suppose we could try to find a sliding scale counselor if we feel we need it. He seems okay when we are together but even though he is jobless and here all day long while I am working he can't seem to get things done. We both struggle more when we are apart. I have no idea how much deeper this pain and damage goes. I guess it is good that I only see it a layer at a time. One good thing is that while I was crying and praying and struggling over his statement and his predicament and the damage I have done to him I felt a distinct reassurance from God that He is working with Cole and that in due time things will get better for him.
Next: this is kind of a confession. I work every other week in OM's neighborhood. At first it was so very very hard for me to be there. It just made me so unstable. Lately I have been doing better with it. On one end of the house there is a bathroom window through which I would see OM if he drove by. I have seen him multiple times through that window. When I clean that bathroom I open the blinds so that if he drives by while I am in there I will see. It's like one small remaining thread of connection. I pray every day for the emotional connection I feel with him to continue to weaken and yet here I am watching out that window every chance I get when I am there. I was there Fri and cleaning that bathroom with the blinds open when I got a very clear message that was absolutely unmistakable. "Close the blinds now. And don't ever open them again." I said okay, I closed them. I knew I would never open them again and I bawled like a baby. That surprised me. I felt tender and emotional the rest of the day. Still do.
Cole and I have talked through this. We think it was a big step and that is why it affected me so. A final letting go. One day not too long ago Cole and I were snuggling in bed after sex and I felt such complete love for him. OM popped into my head and I realized I did not feel "those feelings" for him anymore. I felt nothing between myself and my love for H. I told him quietly, "I don't love OM anymore." Kind of a moment of realization. A good one. My reaction to closing the blinds made me question that but I guess it is complicated, these human emotions. That moment of closing represented something and it brought the full A's and all the pain and damage crashing in on me. Hard to explain.
Progress though. I do like progress. No matter how much it hurts.
The first is that Cole responded to someone's journal entry about a week ago. He said that he feels like the A's took away his life and left him with nothing. When I read that it was one of those moments when your heart just sinks. It was a shake up moment and I saw on a deeper clearer level the damage done to him. It threw me back into a deeper sadness and remorse and I didn't get to talk about it with him for almost 24 hrs. I actually read that at a time when I was distracted and busy and the full impact of it really hit me the next day while I was working. That is my "think about it, work through it" time. I am still feeling the pain/sadness of this deeper level of really "getting it."
I know the context of the statement is because of the slight depression he is in which is making it hard to get anything done and has taken away his passion for the things he used to be passionate about. Especially his writing. There is really nothing more I can do than I already am doing except pray for him more and continue to be loving and supportive and work on myself. I suppose we could try to find a sliding scale counselor if we feel we need it. He seems okay when we are together but even though he is jobless and here all day long while I am working he can't seem to get things done. We both struggle more when we are apart. I have no idea how much deeper this pain and damage goes. I guess it is good that I only see it a layer at a time. One good thing is that while I was crying and praying and struggling over his statement and his predicament and the damage I have done to him I felt a distinct reassurance from God that He is working with Cole and that in due time things will get better for him.
Next: this is kind of a confession. I work every other week in OM's neighborhood. At first it was so very very hard for me to be there. It just made me so unstable. Lately I have been doing better with it. On one end of the house there is a bathroom window through which I would see OM if he drove by. I have seen him multiple times through that window. When I clean that bathroom I open the blinds so that if he drives by while I am in there I will see. It's like one small remaining thread of connection. I pray every day for the emotional connection I feel with him to continue to weaken and yet here I am watching out that window every chance I get when I am there. I was there Fri and cleaning that bathroom with the blinds open when I got a very clear message that was absolutely unmistakable. "Close the blinds now. And don't ever open them again." I said okay, I closed them. I knew I would never open them again and I bawled like a baby. That surprised me. I felt tender and emotional the rest of the day. Still do.
Cole and I have talked through this. We think it was a big step and that is why it affected me so. A final letting go. One day not too long ago Cole and I were snuggling in bed after sex and I felt such complete love for him. OM popped into my head and I realized I did not feel "those feelings" for him anymore. I felt nothing between myself and my love for H. I told him quietly, "I don't love OM anymore." Kind of a moment of realization. A good one. My reaction to closing the blinds made me question that but I guess it is complicated, these human emotions. That moment of closing represented something and it brought the full A's and all the pain and damage crashing in on me. Hard to explain.
Progress though. I do like progress. No matter how much it hurts.
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