It hurts to see all the " New Moms" go through what I have been through, just a short while ago. Well, It has been 3 year's & 8 months ago, sense my son has been gone. It seems like it happened yesterday. I totally understand where you are at in the grieving process..That's actally what it is "A PROCESS".. There is nothing wrong with you. I thought I was going crazy Too...  "still feel nuts at time's"... I never thought I would ever come back out into the world again, showing signs of happiness.. I wanted to die, but I didn't. God wanted me here to help other Moms get through, all the agoney, & pain, I experienced. Thank God! We have this D.S site to go to, when we are feeling like we are cracking up. I don't know where I would be today..Some how we get through it..It was like, I broke Through to the other side...So, I don't think of it as, having a breakdown, and I was gonna end up in a nut house, CRAZY..I had a BREAK THROUGH...As "WE All DO HAVE" through the grieving process. There is NO getting around it...I'am NOW AT the stage of feeling, Something is Wrong with Me, "BECAUSE " I'am feeling almost "Normal" like before my son left this earth... If I could keep my head on straight, and continue thinking positive thoughts...I can feel the LOVE RYAN wants me to feel, B/C I know in my heart, He went before any of His family members, to protect, to show the way, to feel, LOVE, Which I had for him, and my daughter... In a Strange sort of way I alway's was afraid to LOVE, B/C of the way "LOVE HURTS"... RYAN, showed me how to LOVE, He is Guiding ME & HIS SISTER, HIS GIRL FRIEND, FRIENDS, ALL HIS FAMILY MEMBERS, through the rest of our lives, journey.. He will be at the gates of Heaven with open arms, when it is our time... POSITIVE THINKING, is the only reason I came back to life.. This is My experince, SO FAR.....  I'am so sorry my New friends for having to go through this painful journey, of losing your precious CHILD...God bless! Hugs & Love, Kelly



thank you for sharing those positive thoughts, love, donna

Hi Kelly!! Merry Christmas! I wrote this poem in December of 1993, five months after my \"Danni\" was killed in a one car accident. I have contimued to write poems and plan to publish a book,\"Mama\'s Heart\"
hopefully sooner than later. I have about eighty poems now, not all about Danni, but most of them are.
I have been traveling this rocky road for \"16 years and five months\"****a very long time, and although it has become easier thru the years,
It still isn\'t easy, and Christmas and her birthday are almost unbearable. BUT!!! We bear the weight and the grief because we are given no choice. I thought of suicide many times, truthfully I still do, BUT!!!
The smallest of possibilities that suicide would send me to \"that other place\" keeps me thinking that I have no choice but to stick this out. I hope you enjoy the poem below, \"Merry Christmas Mama\"!!
AND!!! Merry Christmas from me too!! Maybe Danni and Kelli have met and are watching us now??? Nice thought anyway!
Merry Christmas My Friend
Qutee \"n\" Texas
And \"Baby It Ss Cold Outside\" here on the gulf coast of Texas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We actually had about one inch of snow one day early this month!

I just wanted to tell you, Merry Christmas Mama,
Im sending you all my love, but please dont cry.
Oh it hurts me so much every time that I see,
All of those tears that fall from your eyes.

Oh please try, not to be so sad Mama,
as the glorious holidays grow even nearer.
For you must know, I can surely remember,
how much they used to bring you cheer.

You really shouldnt feel guilty either Mama,
because youre still there and I am gone.
For my wondrous new life has now begun,
and your life there must keep moving on.

I know exactly what youll be thinking Mama,
as your decorating the Christmas tree.
The sacred holiday times, and joys we shared,
with all of our family, and you, and me.

I can remember all of the ornaments Mama,
each one with its own special meaning and place.
I can still see the sweet memories of Christmass past,
reflecting in those tears on your face.

Yes, I still remember each and every trinket Mama,
and how you placed them perfectly here and there.
All those little things which reminded us that Christmas,
and Our Lords birthday were very,very near.

Yes, I share all of your bittersweet memories Mama,
and I keep all of them right here in my heart.
So on Christmas morning, just close your eyes,
and know, that were really not so far apart.

Dont worry that Im missing anything, Mama,
for your greatest dreams cant possibly see,
The heavenly decorations!, the wondrous celebration!,
and what Christmas here will be!

I will be home again for Christmas Mama,
just the way I have been for all these years.
Ill be holding your hand, Ill be giving you strength,
as youre struggling to hold back your tears.

Mary J. Boomhower

So Im wishing you the merriest of Christmass Mama,
with many hugs and kisses for all.
Please take comfort knowing Ill be here waiting for you,
when your angels come to call.

Have a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS MAMA and remember, I Love You Too!

Thank you for affirming what I feel. Your entry gives me hope and that\'s an important piece to hold onto. Blessings to you for caring and sharing your process with us. Hugs to you, Joanie

I feel more hope today having read your journal entry. The grieving process is such an arduous journey, with so many pitfalls along the way, but with friends who are helping us along, who are farther on that journey, we can make it. We just need to grab on to their outstretched hands. Thank you for the encouragement.

Thank you Kelly for the positive feeling....I hope I can get it in large are a spot light on a gloomy and hugs, Dale...Brandon\'s Mom

Very good is obvious how much the moms really needed to hear this...thanks friend...Karen

Such a very short time ago, I was one of the \"new moms\". I feel like I have learned more in this past year than I did in all of my first 53! I appreciate all that those ahead of me on this journey have helped me through and will pass it along to those who trail behind us, new to the road they are on. Thank you for posting this. Love, B

Thank you so much for all the strength you give us new moms. This pain is so intense but you give us hope. God bless you!

Sending you love and hugs..

I think giving oneself the permission to move on is a massive step and the guilt is extreme at least it was for me. I am over 3 years now and it does get more tolerable and yes I still have those big breakdowns but the core intensity is diminished. I also remember as a \" new\" the one thing that helped me the most was knowing I was not alone in any of the feelings I had.

I\'m not sure about destiny, but truly believe I now have as part of the purpose to my human experience, the responsibility to help other grieving moms. What you say is so true, moving into a place of healing often brings great guilt and confusion. I\'ve lived through that guilt and realize I must continue living life to the fullest. Even on my saddest of days, I have a gift to give.....Love and understanding. We, as grieving mothers, have the unique ability to touch other grieving mothers as no other can. Destiny??? Who knows. But love and light draws us together and keeps us moving forward. I\'m thankful to be your friend, walking this journey with you.

Thank you Kelly for giving us hope. Love, Kim

That\'s the way to lead the way. Well done. Love and hugs Cathy