New Member here (TW: abuse, suicide)

I just joined today. This site was named number one anxiety support site. I hope I can find some comfort from some people who've been through days like I've had today. 

My background, origin story, what have you....I've been anxious and depressed since childhood. My mother was mentally unstable and was released prematurely from her hospital when I was six. She had tried to kill herself when I was a toddler. It was my first memory. 

I witnessed her try two more times over my time at home. I also endured psychological trauma from being left with her at home. 

Both my mother and myself were victims of her pedophile father, as well

I've learned through internet study that I may have Complex PTSD. CPTSD is like the non-complex variety except the victim is never able to formulate a personality and identity of their own and so their trauma is especially strange and destructive. 

But I believe I'm finally on the road to recovery. For the first time in my life, I am realizing that I've hated myself my whole life, stunted my growth, thwarted my own plans and hurt more than myself but also my friends and family. I feel so terrible for it. But I'm also recognizing that before, I never thought I could be helped. I believed I would suffer and suffer and then eventually remove myself from the world. 

I am done doing this to myself. One more thing I'm just now waking up to is that I've always pitied myself for being the way my mental illness has made me. I am discovering self-love and that I'm ready to love and take care of myself.

I have a wife I love and want to hold on to. I want to recover for her and myself, as well as all the family and friends I've lost contact with because I've been so miserable for so long. 

Today, my biggest source of anxiety is the fact that I have racked up so much debt between leaving a couple of jobs because I couldn't handle them with my illness. When the voices in my head are particularly cruel (like they have been today), I can barely get a thought in over admonishments to leave my wife or simply to kill myself. It's like being tortured.

My wife is happy I'm reaching out beyond just her for support. I hope you are all having a good week and I am eternally grateful for you all. Truly!

Kane