New Journal

So I managed to get up at a decent hour and do things with my day.  That's new.  I took my AM medications and I went for a walk.  (I'm going to use this here to record my medications and any alcohol/weed I consume for the day as well as my sleep).  

I talked to my therapist on the phone today.  I've been having a super bad time with depression lately.  But I'm going to say something that I didn't even say to her...T is back in Montana and working at the Ranch again.  Plus all my friends are working at the Ranch for this season.  I feel left out.  And all of my feelings for T are toxic as all get out.  Not good at all so it's good I'm not there but it's personally killing me inside and I miss him.  It's not like he was super great to me or anything but there are a lot of things about him that just click with me.  But I can't talk about this anymore with my therapist, because it's toxic and I think she's sick of it.  And I can't tell my friends because they don't even know.  I feel ridiculous having a stupidly huge crush on someone who is like ten years younger than me.  That's just gross.  But it doesn't make me stop wanting to be there and see him even if it's only for a minute.  I'll be back in Montana next week for the boat float but I doubt I'll actually see him.  Even if I do, what would I say?  I'm good friends with his best friend S so maybe I'd see them?  Doubtful though.