New here......looking for some answers...

I have a 13 yr old son.  My husband and I have been searching for answers with his behaviour for years.....he can really be a great kid when he wants to be.  But his behaviour at home (only at home) can be so trying as well.  He flies off the handle in anger over small things....argues with us about everything....never accepts blame or responsibility for his actions, it is always someone else who 'made him do it, or made him mad', usually us in his mind.....he is aggressive and displays a bully attitude to his 3 younger brothers....he is emotionally, verbally and sometimes physically abusive towards them.  He can't leave an issue alone....if he has received a consequence for rule breaking/disobedience, he will not just accept the punishment but will go on and on and on about it....trying to argue it away.  He has always suffered socially to a degree....can't seem to make and keep friends, they will call him annoying or irritating....we had him with the school counselor for about a year, and both he and our GP didn't feel he had any disorders within the autism spectrum, but his counselor did say that he thought he displayed some symptoms of being a 'provocative victim' (he would complain about bullying at school).  He is bright when he wants to be (schoolwork), great with technology (makes videos, editing, etc) talented physically (scootering, biking, wakeboarding, snowboarding, but not good with team sports).  I think he has a low self esteem because of his difficulty socially, but he comes off kind of 'cocky'.  He told me this morning when he went to school that he would rather be dead than be a part of our family. This was because he was punished the night before for yelling at me when I asked why he had been gaming before doing his homework..... We are a close family, I have always been a stay at home Mom, his Dad has always had a steady nice income.  We are a comfortable average family.  We have always had structure and reasonable rules in our family.  We have a christian faith that is part of our homelife.  We are fair to all the boys (the other 3 are so different from him, personality wise....even tempered, just your average kids).  He feels we treat him differently than them, and punish him more.  I really don't think we do, but he does get punished more because he is truly more work than all 3 of them combined.  He breaks the rules, pushed the boundaries and is so disrespectful to us and them.  They are scared of him at times and I have to admit that I am wary too....at 13 he is a big boy, as tall as me and probably weighs close to the same.  We are just at our wits end as to what to do with his anger outbursts and disrespect.  It seems that consequences and punishment just don't work....our other boys learn from them, and don't want to repeat the action.  He just doesn't seem to care, punishments and consequences just seem to make him more angry and bitter.  I have researched so many different things in regard to him and finally came across this ODD yesterday.  He ticks all the boxes!  It was amazing reading it.  The only thing that doesn't seem to fit is the reasons for it that I read.  We don't have an abusive household, there isn't substance abuse or fighting between his parents.  It is just a very normal, peaceful and happy (when he is happy) household....So that is what doesn't fit with what I read.  And he has been this way since little....it is just getting more physical and louder (shouting, etc) now that he is getting older....so....does anyone have any answers for us, or similar situations with their teen?  Something has to change....we love him and want so much to help him but just don't know what to do....I am afraid his actions and what goes on is affecting our younger boys as well....I feel so badly for them he when he carries on...they are 11, 8 and 6.