New entry, not new news...
Due for an update. I do still come on here but I haven't been posting. 1) I don't feel I deserve help at the moment and 2) I can't offer any help when I'm not helping myself. I don't even know how to support others at the moment. I'm well and truely in full swing of my eating disorder again. I'm restricting and when I try and make 'changes' for my Mum, I do it (eat a meal I've not been having) and then feel like I've 'ruined' my restriction so binge like crazy until I feel sick... only I can't physically make myself sick so I know it's going to stay there, so that the next day I wont want to eat again and have the motivation to restrict again. I'm going in these cycles and it's shit. I've spoken to my therapist about my thinking at the moment which is, there is no way I can do this on my own outside. I KNOW that the ONLY way I'm going to get the weight back on is if I was an inpatient again but there are two problems with this. 1) I don't WANT to be an inpatient again, I hated it! and 2) There is no way I would 'allow' myself to go back in again. And I've truthfully told him that the only way I would go back in is if the decision was taken out of my hands...basically, I would have to be sectioned. Now by saying this, that's right, I'd have to be bloody ill to end up being sectioned but this is the way my head is working at the moment and has been for a good month now. I can't get out of this mind set that the only way I will 'accept' help is by not having a choice. But the fact that I'm not 'choosing' suicide over this thought shows that still, I am wanting to do this for my Mum. Otherwise, I would have killed myself quite a while ago. This is like a means of survival. I'm surviving life for my Mum and this is the best it can be at the moment. If things change then they change and we'll see what life will bring, but as it is at the moment, I'm probably heading to making myself so ill I get sectioned. Pretty depressing huh? Well now you know why I haven't been on here. I guess some would argue that even just having THESE thoughts should probably be enough to get my sectioned but there you go. Wish me luck in getting to this place quickly because it sure is a shitty stage to be going through and I want it over with. Once I'm back in I can just try my best to start again and as my head sees it 'allow' myself to do it. I hope others are doing ok and I'm just really sorry I haven't been there for any of you :( just know that I do still think about you all, particularly Karrin who I know is going through inpatient treatment herself. Beat this shitty illness Karrin!! You can do it!!
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