Never really loving myself

so i just watched a sneak peek into Demi Lovato's new book Staying Strong and at the end, Demi says that you can't love other people until you love yourself. I think that is so important. The truth is I've never really loved myself. i never really learned to love myself. and i was just always surrounded by negativity almost all my life. whenever i meet someone new, it's a happy beginning but then it becomes a sad and lonely ending. making new friends for me has been such a challenge and uncomfortable thing for me because no matter how many people i meet, i know that it's all going to end in the same note. and i wondered why. now i think i have found the answer. I NEVER LOVED MYSELF. because of the things that were said to me, how i have been treated, i have always disliked myself, then later turned into self hatred. but i still have questions that are still left unanswered. was i born to hate myself? is it my purpose? was i meant to be shy and insecure? i have always been that way. i'm pretty charming at first and i guess nice but towards the end, when you really get close to me, u can see my insecurities ans monsters seep through. i've also been around unhealthy people for as long as i can remember. i also dont like being in my own skin. my eating disorder was just an outlet for me to escape my past and my fear for my future. Being afraid my future is going to be alone and cold, maybe even tragic or even some strange coincidence with someone from my family or someone i know. most people dont know who i really am. and i dont want them to know. sometimes i feel like out of all humans, i'm the worst. i dont mean in an evil way. i mean more in a sad way. i've already developed early symptoms of depression as young as at age 11. the more i grew up, the more i go down that dark and lost road. doing a pretty good job at making others stay away from me or making myself look so naive and being misunderstood as a dumb brunette. when others say i'm pretty, i know for a fact they are just being polite. i know i'm not that beautiful. i know that i have an ugly personality. i'd have flashbacks of when my mom would pull me out from playing with this girl i knew and she claimed that girl was just jealous of me. i never knew why. then in my high school career, i saw this girl and apparently i sat next to her in english class back in middle school. she actually turned out really pretty. and she even has a boyfriend. at prom, i saw her boyfriend take her hand and they went out of the building where other seniors were partying. then i thought about myself and how sad i am. i wanted to be somewhat like her. Unlike me, where boys just think i am attractive and then lose their interest in me the next. i mean, i can't even keep my friends. so why would i even be able to keep a damn relationship? i've always had a feeling that i will end up dying alone just like.....Marilyn Monroe. its a very big fear of mine. then i did research one day and found out that Marilyn was deeply jealous of Elizabeth Taylor's success..... exactly like i was deeply jealous of that girl's love life.... and maybe even social life. i feel like i want to give up on myself but at the same time i don't want to.  this is how i feel everyday about myself when i look in the mirror.... and now you have an insight of what i am REALLY like...... if you really knew me.