Never Enough
Well,I have been hanging on and trying to keep the courage I need to push forward and try to find a tiny little bit of happiness before my clock ticks out. While chatting and sharing with others, I am reminded exactly where i am ... still . I was reminded I have never been enough... first fwb... good enough to get my first tastes of sex (at 35 because ii thought I didn't deserve a life of my own before then) but only til someone better came along... then with stbx as we did easily settle down together (I think now because we were both afraid none else would come along. )
After the last 11 years (of 16) being discounted and often barked at ... no affection, physical touch, help of any kind and limited communication... he has changed a bit. Since originally serving divorce papers, I do get thank yous and I love yous... but in the next breath the same damn behavior I have told him is part of what makes me want to go away. As soon as I am home from work, he wants me to fix something for him to eat... or he calls to tell me to run an errand that he could easily do once I am home or if he uses the car and drops me off. Its a cardinal sin for me to expect him to take out (or even gather) the trash. So I do it allwhen I get home... or I do have the occasional urge to give up myself and let things go. Why is it that he and his sisters do seem to believe that simply saying the words and being here does entitle him to a roommate, cook, maid and nurse ? (I am truly not getting paid the going rate for anything I do or the abuse i put up with)
So I again am thinking why is it I am never enough and why couldn't I have settled for someone who was truly there and enough for me?
Replies
Just stop. Stop being the maid, cook, ect ect. When he demands something , tell him to do it himself. Cause all you’re doing is wearing yourself down and enabling him to be lazy. You need to discover that this is your life to live how you want. Let no one take it from you. Did you ever see Fried green tomatoes? Great movie. ‘To wanda’!!! Hugs
I think you need to ask yourself some questions....like....Why do I put up with this?....Why do I cater to his every whim?....why do I feel unloved?.....Why do I feel so sad?..... Why do I let him verbally abuse me?.....Why do I do everything he tells me to?....Why do I enable him?.....Why don't I love myself?.....Why am I so afraid?
Look up at the sky when you ask yourself these questions. You will get an answer. You will be surprised but you will get an answer!
God Bless
I have stepped back to some extent, tried going on strike and letting him run the vacuum on occasion... or throw in a load of laundry. he is content living in a pig sty so that does not phase him. He has thrown in the occasional load of laundry... but that is it. Starts it, does not flip it or throw in the second load... So I might as well do it myself.
Bob asks why do I put up with this? Because I always have... was brought up to expect nothing more. and that this is all there is for me. Having a hard time and don't want to believe this crap again. Want to remember and believe all the positive words and feedback have gotten from so many.
I have started to make for both if he will eat what I make, but if not, He is now on his own... I am done making two separate meals and so done making or grabbing him unhealthy stuff that I would not even have in my house were it just me. And since he spends almost every waking moment in the bedroom, I make him at least come and fix his own plate... which he usually takes back in there.
Yeah.love... ain't it grand? I should not be sad to think I will never find someone who wants to share a life with... apparently, I should be relieved.
I’m sorry you are having a hard time Kim. And that’s not love you described. It’s coexisting with someone who has given up on himself. Of course that’s bringing you down. It would depress anyone. This unhealthy life he is living cannot help but deeply affect you. Obviously you know this. Can you claim your own room for a sanctuary space? All my love
I can relate. I was in a loveless marriage for 24 years. Thank God I am divorced now. Sure it was hard before, during and after the divorce but I am much happier now. I love myself much more for having made some tough decisions and for facing the fears that were limiting me for so many years. I feel like I am free as a bird, :-)
It really doesn't matter how you were brought up because you can hit the reset button to your life at any time. Hit it now!
God Bless
You’re not a servant, and marriage is a balance of giving and taking for both people. It sounds like you are a giver and he is just a taker. That imbalance is toxic and you will continue to be very unhappy if there’s no major change. You encouraged me last week when I was in the gutter, and now I want to encourage you to put yourself first. Establish your independence gradually until you can free yourself of the bondage you’re in. Servitude is not love.
Practice loving kindness on yourself everyday. I think this is how you need to start turning this around. I’m teaching my granddaughter to do it so I know you can too.
Oh Kim, I think you are so wrong in saying you will never find someone who wants to share life with you! I know we have never met, but it is easy to tell a lot about your attitude and personality from your posts. You have given so much and have received so little in return. You have the patience of Job. Listen to what finallyawake, Bob and Resful have said. They are right on. You are so unhappy and it’s not right. Marriage is a 100%/100% relationship., but your husband is barely giving 10%. You are not a cook, maid or servant. Like I told you before, it's time to move on. You have so much to live for. You’re young, healthy, and attractive woman with a great sense of humor. You won’t have trouble finding someone who will accept you for you and treat you with love and respect. It’s time to start thinking about you and your happiness. I know it’s a big scary move, but you deserve better.. Hugs, Bruce
Hugs my friend, they are dead on with You have to deprogram yourself. I was in the same situation. For 25 years. It was not just him, but his mother and sister too. He gave o% and expected me to carry the full load for everyone. You cannot do it. You need to tell him to whistle dixie until he is blue in the face. It will be hard at first but with practice you can do it. I still do it. Whenever I see the ex, I smile turn around and walk away. I do not engage in any chit chat with him. That bothers him more than anything I can say or do. Learn to love yourself. Be your own best friend. Take as much "me" time as you need. Gee, after almost 12 years, I am still taking "me" time and loving it. Go out and enjoy a nice long walk, I love doing that. But most of all be gentle with yourself. You deserve it.
Hate to know you are being taken advantage of like this. He doesn't deserve all the stuff you are doing for him. It makes me mad. you've gotten a lot of good comments here so I won't say much except to put yourself first... whatever that means or whatever that takes for you. we could do this together because I struggle with the same thing you are talking about except for me it's not a husband but being put in the role of my mom's caretaker when I have two other able bodied siblings who don't want to be involved in helping. I think it's a process of turning our thinking around to looking out for ourselves and all that involves vs. looking our for someone else. it's a big change. hugs!!!!
Thank you all.
I am feeling better today. Thanks to all of you for your kind words of support that i seem to need so often to hear these days. Forgive me for being so needy. I am again pulling myself up by my bootstraps and trudging along. I have to take things one day and one obstacle at a time right now. I suppose small steps are better than none (I look forward to the day when I am making long strides though. )
Getting some minor things accomplished is helping. In my perfect world, our spouse (or SO) should be there to help support and encourage us on our journey toward health and happiness and it should be a common goal for the two of us together... to want to improve our lives and time together. Sadly, stbx has been content just existing and going through the motions for so long. I have tried it and it is no way to live (which is why it is so hard for me to move forward with , what I perceive as resistance) I have been fortunate to find some of that support from you all. Thank you. Love,Kim
This might explain why we do the things we do even when we don't want to:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v7KQsS2kLM4