Never Enough......
As I am picking myself back up and dusting off.....I have to wonder how it is that I can still continue to fall back into old, unhealthy habits? I retreat and wallow in the fear and sadness...As far as I have come.... I have to wonder why I still give so much power to some hateful, negative words from another so very long ago?
I get to the point where I believe I do deserve this chance to actually be free to live MY life finally and do some things I have avoided all my life for one reason or another. None of us knows how much time we are blessed with. I have spent alot of time believing I was being punished or slighted because I was unworthy. I have gotten beyond that and do realize the fact I am still here should tell me something. I have time and am finally mustering the strength and courage to go on and take this next step.
I did just have a struggle because I was surrounded by other family (many f whom are also married very unhappily ) who still stay together and "try to make the best of things" Of course, most of these did have kids to consider (but I see the pattern in our own side of the famiy and wonder if they realize just what they have shown their kids???)
I have to wonder if I will ever feel completeky able to feel love... or at this point even wanted or desired again? Will I always wonder ... because I too have my flaws... if I will ever be enough???
Replies
Have you ever looked into one of the Buddhist Philosophies? Not trying to change or influence your belief system, but I believe it might help you see a clearer picture of your current self in this present moment. How you view others and thier actions will come into true focus. Hugs.
Not really.familiar with their beliefs
. I have tried very hard to be more understanding and lenient with others because of things in my past though. (Maybe I have bent too far backwards?)
Hugs my friend. You are being very hard on yourself as usual. Please be gentle. You went through so much and it will take time. It will take a lot of hard work to take yourself off the back burner and into the front of life. But you can do it. Really, it has taken me years to learn to smile again and more years to put myself first. One day at a time, my friend. One smile, one nice thing you do for yourself and soon you will find that you are smiling more, laughing more and happy. When I started out on this road through hell and back, I cried so much that I thought my eyes would be permanently swollen and the Kimberly Clark would not keep up production. Now my favourite words are "I will have to think about it, let me see if I am free or plain NO." very powerful words.
APM....you have stated it so eloquently..... Amen
yorman1, life is an ongoing work in progress. Each day you try your best and that is all we can do. We never know when our time is up, so why are we so worried about tomorrow.
You got use to the fear and the sadness and it became your identity so if given the chance to have a happy life, you tend to run away from it because you don't know who you will become, if you can't be sad and fearful anymore. I went through the same thing but it didn't last very long. Having no chains to hold me down, having nobody to answer to, only myself and my dog, made me get use to the happiness pretty quickly. :-)
Super hugs vq!
You've come a very, very long way than when you first started writing on here and you should be very, very proud of yourself as that is an awesome/amazing accomplishment!!
We all have flaws as these are what makes us humans. I tell myself my imperfections make me perfect for myself and my lil man and the hubz to be :) Of course me being me and my crazy wired brain of depression/anxiety put myself down much too much and he just told me to stop doing that.
You can't continue to worry about what the stbx and his people (or even your people) say/think about you. You can't get letting them guilt trip you into staying in that rut of a "marriage" because you'll never get to experience the happiness/love that you DO deserve! F**k them! I know I'm probably sounding real mean, but really I'm not.
Continue on leaving all the toxicity of your old life behind so you can heal and start fresh and new to begin the next chapter that you ARE worthy of!!
gregsbaby, you said it. way to go. What people think of us is none of our business. I got to the point when someone tells me someone is gossiping about me, I said tell them, good because I do not care.
Thank you so much everybody. your kind words, support, hugs and prayers have helped me so much. While I am feeling kind of like a misfit... unable to really open up with friends or family because they don't understand ..... I am reminded that we all can find that here.... if we just hold out a hand. Thank you again. :)
veggiequeen, hugs my friend. I know what you are saying. But you need to reach out. Do you have a therapist. I went to one for years and it does help.
Girl we're all on the land of misfits lol! But remember how Santa found them, someone will find you too :)
Yes totally agree with what mary said about finding a therapist! You know I swear by my happy pills :P Not saying you need them but it does help A LOT having therapy weekly/monthly!
LOL... @ gregsbaby.... I did picture us all together there (you were the "couple fries short" and I was the "confused old chatty blonde".... bahaha) I do have "happy pills" but apparently, they're not quite happy enough. To you and APMary.... I have had bouts of therapy and , counseling over the years.... been there done that... I should be "FIXED" by now... wth??? It is ;like i have the pieces to the puzzle and the positive messages I keep getting reinforced...... but yet I sometimes still hear the hateful negative words of a very f*^d up family member so long ago.
I have found the cheapest and best therapy has been to get a few of us girls together to have an old fashioned gab and bitchfest.. lol
My friend just having bouts of therapy is not enough at times. I went twice a week for a year and then it tapered off to once a week and then twice a month. That went on for 6 years. You need to look after yourself. Those self doubts will always be there but it is what you do with them that counts. Sit down, feel it and then you just have to move on It will get easier with time. When someone pisses me off, I just smile, turn around and walk away. Anyway, life is a work in progress. We really need to focus on our well being. Because sometimes the only person you can depend on is yourself.
Hi I think you are enough but you have to think so. What you think about yourself is what matters. I went through a lot in my past and it left me with some low self - esteem issues to deal with. There are times when I question myself to. It doesn't help that I live with mental illness and abuse issues. It can all be a recipe for disaster. I have to reprogram myself and my way of thinking and remember to speak kindly to myself and ditch the negative self talk.
You have to do the same thing and remember how amazing you are. You have to give yourself credit for the things you do right and the accomplishments that you make, even for the little triumphs. I made up my mind that I was going to go visit my husband in August yesterday I booked a ticket online and I am proud of myself.
I bought a one way ticket because I don't have all the money for a round trip ticket right now but at least I know I am going and that I can pay for my return trip later. I find it can be cheaper to buy a one way ticket and then turn around and buy another this way you are not stuck with one airline and you can shop around for the best fares. I thought the round trip tickets were expensive and I shopped around and purchased my ticket for only 55 dollars and 20 cents. I purchased my ticket directly from the airline. I found the best deal with United Airlines so that is the airline I am flying going there I will probably fly with another airline coming back.
But I will purchase both tickets and pay for my bags if i Have to before I leave I'm not going to wait until I get there to purchase my ticket home. You know I stopped to tell you my story because I think it is relevent to your life right now. You got to where you are going one way to where you ended up but just like shopping around for the best deal on a ticket you are not stuck leaving where life has taken you . You have the option of getting yourself another ticket to where you want to go and you don't have to go back to where you came from the same way that you got there.
If that makes sense do you understand that you have lots of options in life you are not stuck where you are or with the negative things that people have said to you in the past. You can choose not to listen to them and to find your way to a new destination. Maybe that person told you something bad it doesn't mean it is true or that someone else will see you the same way. For example maybe your ex thought you were too fat that doesn't mean that if you find a new person to share your life with that they will think you are fat to.
That could just be your ex's opinion. There was a time that I thought I might not find love again or date again and that wasn't true I just started to think maybe I'm not this enough or that enough until I caught the eye of someone new and they let me know that those things that I thought about myself that weren't good enough were not true.
Hugs, we seen to be quite alike. I wonder too. But hope!