Never enough....

All my life I have been far from pretty...being one of six girls I was always the "ugly duckling" in the family...everybody else was so much more beautiful then me. I use to wish I looked more like them and wonder how come having the same parents that I ended up being so unattractive. I always wanted to be one of them instead of me...it just didn't seem fair. I know looks aren't everything and they always say its whats inside that counts but in my case nobodygave me a second glance it seems because I was not physically attractive. They didn't even want to get to know me it seemed. When the man I would marry came around I couldn't believe that somebody was actually attracted to me. I was 22 years old at the time and figured if I didn't grab him up that I would never find anybody else. He seemed to really love me.He would tell me how beautiful I was..he couldn't get enough of me. It was such a wonderful feeling to have somebody who thought I was attractive. It was short lived though..it was shortly after we got married that he began to tell me how ugly I was, how fat I was (even though I was a size 5). No matter how thin I got I was never thin enough. He would constantly call me fat names. He would remind me daily that I was lucky to have him because no other man would want an ugly bitch like me. It hurt because I realized then that not even to the person who supposably loved me was I pretty enough. I have had much the same experince on line..I have talked to many people over the years. It seems whenever I would talk to a guy we would get along great and have good conversation. It was always just as friends but as soon as I would send them a picture or they would see my picture in a profile they would instantly disappear. They were gone never to be heard from again. As I get older and the wrinkles set in I get even more unattractive. Men my age want younger women it seems. I have never judged people by their looks ... I know what it feels like to be judged solely on your looks. In my eyes everybody is beautiful, everybody has something to offer. I really don't know what this journal entry is really all about..I guess I just got hit with reality again and once again I wasn't enough.... :(