Never Ends

Got taxes done today (for last year) taken care of--- we owed $$$ in, but not as severe as I anticipated. We owe from year before, but have no total amount due for that . (Last record was 4K but tacking on an additional 2K in penalties for time not paid-- that we never knew were owed) Then govt shutdown---noone to give us exact amt or whether we could please have forgiveness for that extra amt. So it goes unpaid--- now various reasons--- have to wait for a mailed document to open an acct with the IRS. So this still  hangs over our head.  Still have to haggle with a couple creditors to reduce rates (but he was doing auto pymts for mins. so they don't wanna budge).... 

So here I am ---everything still dangling over my head. That huge tax bill needs first attention--- then I know what is left to try to get other debt down, but it probably still won't get it all erased. I will need to borrow against my 401k to try to get a cheaper used vehicle for myself and will need a chunk  for additional attorney funds and initial start up for myself .  i can do this if I calculate the amount of loan payment with my expenses and can muddle through. It is very disheartening though to know that much more time must pass before this can go further.

I actually did have money aside for myself awhile back, but, inevitably--- I kept feeding that to our endless expenses that exceed what was coming in. So now I have a few hundred left to go to my next attorney fee... but the costs will add up because of things unsettled. 

I am a little leary. My attorney did tell me very long ago that if I had exact amts I could offer to haggle, she would do it for me . She (and another financial advisor) did say they settle for far less than full amts. When I did settle with one, they took no less than 60 %. If all do that, we will not get caught up. (and I have this sunken feeling that I will be stuck forever.)  I realize there is no law that says all should be settled before I go, but realistically, i will have  a hard enough time with just my income to survive on my own and pay that loan back to my own acct (avoiding interest ... to someone else)   Still want this, but so tired of waiting--- and worrying.

I also wanted to try to take a short, much needed break and venture to see someone special who did start me on this journey (even though we will probably not wind up together, I owe him alot. He was the one who did remind me that I deserve so much better than I have settled for.Also the first to accept me for me exactly as I am.)   I am afraid this may also be put by the wayside. I am a bit tired of having to readjust and sacrifice the things I want and need to first settle for everything (and everyone) else.

Please forgive my whining. I realize all are tired of hearing me go on and on , but still not out of this .  I guess this is more for me to get this off my chest--- What still keeps me here.  (And I am having a hard time feeling so lost, forgotten and alone. That is not helping)